One of the greatest plagues in the world today is not COVID or any other physical disease, but one that effects body, soul, heart, and mind. The plague of pornography has impacted millions of lives across the globe. There are many who believe that pornography is not a big deal, arguing that it is normal, natural, healthy, and possibly helpful. While I would disagree with this, the problems that arise within people and relationships from viewing it increase exponentially as it becomes an addiction. Viewing pornography hinders a deeper and personal relationship with God and others.
Let me outline 5 reasons why I believe this is the case. Pornography:
1. Causes Discontentment – “That’s something I don’t have.”
I would define discontentment as an unhappiness or displeasure with God’s merciful and gracious gifts to you. Often stemming from ingratitude, discontentment focuses on what a person does not have, rather than what they do have.
Does discontentment in the heart lead to viewing pornography, or does viewing pornography lead to discontentment? I think the answer is YES! It a cycle that often continues until contentment is found through 1) Christ and 2) gratitude for all he has given us. To look beyond what he has given is to say, “Lord, you have not given me all I want. I want more. I want something else in addition to what you’ve given or haven’t given me. If you haven’t given me what I want, I will go get what I want.” In doing so, we thumb our noses at God.
If we wish to keep ourselves from viewing pornography and remain close to our loved ones and God, we must learn to become content. Paul addresses this by stating “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength” (Phil 4:12-13).
We grow in contentment through trusting in his love and wisdom of Christ – that what He has given is enough for us, and what He has not given has not been given for our benefit – for a time. Additionally, growing in gratitude for what Christ has done for us and all he has given to us on a daily basis will help us remain content in Christ. To look elsewhere is to betray our spouses and grieve God.
“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Prov 5:18).
2. Changes Desires – “That’s something I want to experience.”
Have you ever been scrolling Facebook or been in a store and saw something that caught your eye, and you immediately thought, “I want that.” It happens to me all the time when I scroll Facebook and see pictures of a chocolate and peanut butter dessert.
While desires don’t define us, they certainly can lead us in various directions. As we have seen through advertisements, our desires can be influenced and manipulated easily. Simply showing a picture or presenting the case of why you should have the product and how it will make you happy often moves a person to buy-in to the sales pitch.
Pornography has a product – sex, orgasm, happiness. Pornography has a sales pitch – “This will make you happy and sexually fulfilled,” or perhaps, “This will occupy your mind so that you don’t have to deal with the stresses of life.” The excitement and chemical release that accompanies the viewing of naked bodies, sexual acts, and accompanying masturbation is a reward in itself – giving a moment or two where the promise of satisfaction is fulfilled. It also reinforces the belief that pornography is your refuge – but it never truly satisfies the soul.
Whatever is viewed on the internet often becomes desired in real life. Did you view a certain position that looked interesting? Did you see a certain sexual act, tool, or other item that caught your eye? You will likely spend time fantasizing about it and want to use it or do it in person. This may cause conflicts in relationships if it is demanded or if there are negative responses.
Many have shared that viewing pornography started with a simple curiosity in childhood, or an innocent internet search that lead to pornographic sites. Yet in time and with continued viewing, looking at naked pictures turns into observing sexual acts, which later turns into deviant sexual behavior and acting out, which can lead to illegal or immoral activities. While not all sexual acts will become illegal, it is obvious that sexual desires change over time with the viewing of pornography. New desires are created and these desires often turn into demands – and demands need to be satisfied. As they become one’s focus, they become one’s idols, placing this action higher in importance, and reducing the spouse from a valued person to an object used for self-satisfaction.
“I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart” (Psalm 40:8).
3. Creates Dependency – “That’s something I need.”
Pornography, like alcohol and drugs, can become an addiction. In his book, Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave, Ed Welch defined addiction as a “voluntary slavery.” While there is a personal choice aspect in addictions (voluntary), the substance or behavior that is consumed ultimately enslaves the person through chemical responses in the body, thus creating a need or appetite for more. In pornography, the endorphins released through viewing and the reward through release (orgasm) create a unquenching need to view more pictures, movies, or acts.
Like many addictions, the physical dependency is often associated with an emotional need within the individual. Anxiousness, loneliness, and stress are three common internal and emotional struggles that lead to addictions. When these emotional struggles are relieved through the addictive behavior or substance, it reinforces the need to return to what has temporarily helped in the past.
Dependence on any person, substance, or behavior for relief of emotional or relational needs is placing these things above God. We are saying that we can handle our own problems without Him, and therefore are being our own saviors, or at minimum, turning to these substances or behaviors as our saviors. Scripture calls this idolatry.
Christ’s immense love for us and death on the cross for our sins set us free from obeying our sin nature and sinful desires. As he has loved us, he desires that we choose to walk with him intimately, because when we do, we are able to work through anything. Our emotional and relational needs are met through a deeper relationship with Christ. Our goal, as believers is to walk closer to Christ, yet when sin is present in our lives, we remain distant from Him.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Gal 5:1).
4. Cultivates Dishonesty – “That’s something I need to hide.”
If we are hiding something, we intrinsically know we are doing something wrong. We are keeping it in the dark because we know that if it came to the light, we would be exposed and have to deal with the guilt and shame we may already feel. If you’re married, your spouse will feel betrayed. If you’re a child or young adult, you’d fear that parents or others would look down upon you and see you as sick. These are a few reasons many choose to stay in the darkness and keep it hidden. To bring sin into the light takes courage, and being honest with yourself is the first step.
Before we lie to others, we typically lie to ourselves. Being honest with ourselves can often be scary and painful. When we justify, minimize, or explain away our behaviors, we lie to ourselves and believe we are better than we actually are. To be honest with ourselves means that we realize we are not as good as we think, that we are liars, adulterers, and idolaters, and we can’t deal with that.
Except we can. This is why the gospel is so important for us, because our sin is the reason God sent His Son for us. To live in the light not only means to deal with the truth of our sinful state (that we are in darkness), but also to live in the grace of our Lord. This means Christ took our shame and guilt so that we can live under His favor as free children of God. It is to understand that our worth is not dependent upon what we have done, but upon what Christ has done for us. Our identity is not defined by our sinful desires, but by faith in Christ and His resurrection. We can acknowledge that we are idolaters and beyond cure because our sins don’t have the final word about us, Jesus does.
Dishonesty and living in darkness are characteristics of those who are following the deceiver. As believers and followers of Christ, we are called to live in the light, because he is the light of the world.
“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” John 8:12 (ESV)
“I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” John 12:46.
5. Conceives Self-Centeredness – “That something I want for me.”
Viewing pornography is all about me. It’s about satisfying one’s own desires for personal pleasure. It is bypassing the relationship with God (and spouse, if married), therefore making a declaration that I can handle my emotions and desires apart from God. It places ourselves as not only the ones who have a problem, but also as the savior who can solve our own problems.
Additionally, the consistent use of pornography trains the heart and mind to view one’s partner or people of the opposite sex as an ends to a means. They exist to serve you and give you pleasure. Other people are reduced in value from being a person with their own desires and worth, to being seen as sexual objects who are essentially used for personal satisfaction. While they are created in the Image of God and have inherent worth in God’s eyes, their worth is reduced to whether or not they will perform for you. And in fantasies, they always perform for you – often causing unrealistic expectations in reality.
How do we know if we are objectifying and devaluing others? Here’s five signs: 1) Anger or rage when a partner rejects sexual advances or doesn’t do what you want; 2) Eyes are constantly glancing or fixated on people’s private parts; 3) Fantasies of others doing what you want occupy the mind; 4) Your thoughts about others mainly involve what they can do for you (not what you can do for them); 5) You have a double-standard where you can do what you want (or spend money on what you desire) but they cannot get what they desire (perhaps you tell them we don’t have the money, but you just bought a TV).
Pornography viewing is all about the me, myself, and I. Some may argue that they view it to get aroused and add spice to their marriage and is therefore “for” the other person or “for” the marriage rather than being selfish. However I believe this is a self-deception. Porn viewing may feel like it is needed because of past viewing and “pornographic tolerance” – that is, it takes more to be aroused because one is already accustomed to lesser stimuli. If a person were to cut pornography viewing altogether, arousal will come back with lesser visual stimuli and a heart devoted to God and spouse.
“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people” (2 Tim 3:1-5).
While this list does not remain a comprehensive list of how pornography viewing hinders our relationships with God and others, my hope is that it may lead some on the path towards healing. Though pornography is known as a behavioral addiction, changing behaviors will not cause a lasting change. It is only when our hearts are changed that the viewing of pornography will also change.
Our hearts need to be changed from discontent to contentedness; from desiring to fulfill sinful pleasure to desiring to honor God; from being deceived or deceiving ourselves to being honest, from being dependent on ourselves or pornography to being dependent on God; and from being self-centered to being other-focused.
Ultimately we cannot change ourselves. Such heart work can only be done by God when we repent and submit our hearts, will, and desires to Him. Then we partner with the Spirit’s work in us and go all out nuclear war against this sin, bringing our deeds of darkness into the light through confession and accountability. As we pursue Him and purity, He changes us from the inside out.
If you would like counseling for this struggle, marriage, or any other reason, please contact us and you will be in touch with one of our counselors!
I also recommend Sexual Sanity for Men by David White and Sexual Sanity for Women, by Ellen Dykas.
Fred Jacoby, MA