Marriage is both a beautiful picture of the greater marriage between Christ and the Church, and it is a complicated mess because of our sins, differences and other struggles. As most people would probably agree, we choose people who are a bit different than ourselves. They possess traits we don’t possess and they can complement our weaknesses or strengths. One of these differences include our interpretive lenses. One person in the relationship tends to be more Relational, while the other person tends to be more black & white. The thinking that once endeared a Relational person to the Black & White Thinker (i.e. concrete, thinking clearly and actual, straight talking, confident, etc.) soon becomes more of a weakness, as the Relational was looking for, well, a close relationship, something with whom some B&W Thinkers struggle. The more Black & White Thinking that is present, the more difficult relationships will be.
FIRST THINGS FIRST:
Let’s start with a brief recap/summary of Black & White Thinkers: Black & White Thinkers interpret and think in “right and wrong,” often making judgments about something or someone. Emotions exist, but they typically see feelings and emotions as either irrelevant to what is right or wrong (i.e. you are to obey the 10 Commandments, it is irrelevant how you feel about it) or, at minimum, subordinate to what is right or wrong. Negative emotions are also difficult to process and feel because they are abstract concepts, so they are to be avoided (when it comes to all or nothing, nothing is preferred). Black & White Thinkers typically operate on an action/works/fruit level and look at rewards and consequences as these are all concrete and tangible. Relational concepts, such as mercy, grace, compassion, empathy, and sympathy are difficult to grasp. Women who are Black & White Thinkers tend to be more open to emotions and give more credence to relational skills of sympathy and empathy than Black & White Thinking men.
So, in light of all these Black & White Thinking observations, here are some things to keep in mind when married to a Black & White Thinker:
EXPECTATIONS
If you’re more Relational, it’s important to know that Black & White Thinkers are not like you and nor should they be expected to be like you. They will process things differently, and they may struggle with loving you, but not because of you. The more black & white they are, the less they may be able to understand the nuances of relationship dynamics or emotions of their spouses or children (it’s a completely different operating system!). If they seek to do better in relationships, they may be able to understand relationship rules (if someone is doing A, you do B in response, but it is not natural). Unfortunately, the Black & White Thinker may not see or understand the emotional impact of their actions upon their spouse or children, but those who are humble can learn what to do if they do wrong and work to improve relationships.
LOVE
Relational Thinkers tend to show their love for their spouse based on emotions and feelings. Because they are feeling the love, or feel like loving, Relational Thinkers express love. Love expressed by Black & White Thinkers tends to be less of the emotional heart connection, but is often expressed more tangibly. The actions of love may be more like acts of service, such as taking care of your car, doing projects around the house you want done, taking you out to dinner, etc. Their loving actions may not be driven by the feelings of love, but by doing what spouses should do when they love someone. This is similar to Black & White Thinkers loving God: For Black & White Thinkers, loving God flows out of obedience (driven by what is right and good) and, I believe, it is accepted by God as love. For Relational Thinkers, loving God flows from a heart that is full of love and gratitude (emotionally driven). Neither are bad nor is one better than the other. They are different. If your spouse loves you because it is good, right, and it pleases you, then you can learn to accept it as expressed, and certainly it is OK to push and teach other ways as well. Also keep in mind that they may not speak your love language or be emotionally vulnerable with you or emotionally available to you. This does not mean they don’t love you, but they may express it through doing things for you, as opposed to identifying with your emotions and connecting with you at the heart level as you desire. You may need to draw nearer to God and find other people of the same sex to connect with emotionally.
CONFLICT
Conflict, in itself, is often difficult. At times, conflict occurs when determining what is right and what is wrong. But when there is conflict between a Relational Person & a Black & White Thinker, both people are looking at the conflict from different perspectives. What is “right” for a Relational person means you should be considerate of the feelings and emotions of the person, placing the relationship as priority. What is “right” in the Black & White Thinker’s mind may be what is according to the written law, rule, standard, or expectation (the letter of the law). If you break the rule or don’t meet the expectation, punishment or consequences must be enforced. In both situations, the presence of pride and selfishness may also mean that whatever is “right” may be defined by personal desires that have turned into demands. A Relational person may argue, “You need to give the kids a break from doing their chores! You’re a tyrant!” A Black & White Thinker may argue, “You can’t let the kids off the hook from doing what they should be doing. They need to be responsible and you’re too soft!” Teaching responsibility is very important, and showing grace and mercy to them is also important in order to have a relationship that is not built solely on works. At times it will be better to consider the relationship over being in the right. At times we will need to be in the right and not be concerned with others’ feelings. Working together to discern what to do when is of utmost importance as too much of either side will cause damage to the relationship and the outcome.
WARNINGS
When pride (self-centeredness) reigns in a Black & White Thinker’s life, the marriage cannot be healthy. Genuine reconciliation becomes impossible (“I’m not perfect” is not an acknowledgement of wrong), genuine love is never given, and mutuality is non-existent. When the focus of the Black & White Thinker is on self and not on what is good for others, then they will likely try to control others with their anger, so that they do what he or she thinks is best. This obviously ruins relationships. When this occurs, the marriage is emotionally destructive. In this case, it would be wise to seek help from a wise Christian Counselor.
Pride (self-centeredness) is always present as long as we have a sin-nature inside of us. So we do not need to be afraid of the pride, only be humble enough to address it and seek after God’s heart so that He reigns in our hearts, and not our pride.
HOPE
There are many Relational Thinkers who married Black & White Thinkers. Yet as both recognize the differences and strengths in the other, you can humbly work together to work through them. And even if one is not willing to work, help is not too far away. IT IS POSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE TO CHANGE if they want to change. For some, it means a crisis is necessary (I heard rock bottom is a good foundation to build on!). For others, it is simply a sit down conversation stating that you are upset with the status quo and things need to change. For those who are not at that point of crisis, the change may simply need to be minor changes in yourself, expectations, and educating yourself about the differences. Then accepting and appreciating what God has given you to help you become more like Him, a spouse who is a Black & White Thinker.
Remember, even though God is Relational, God is also Black & White. While we are all created in His image, reflecting different aspects of Him is a good thing, and working together to reflect Him as one is also good…challenging…but good. I hope this will help you understand your spouse just a little better and will challenge you to accept certain aspects of his or her interpretive lens & thinking as a strength, and not a weakness or incompetence. 
For more on Black & White Thinking in Relationships, consider the following:
Black & White Thinkers vs Relational Thinkers (an Introduction)
Black & White vs Relational Thinkers: An Introduction (Part 2)
Black & White Thinking in Relationships: Differences in Men & Women
Insecurity and Black & White Thinkers
Emotions and the Black & White Thinker
When Black & White Thinking is Ruled by Pride
