Have you been in an argument with someone and they said something hurtful? And when you try to reconcile, they said they were sorry and they “didn’t mean it”? Or perhaps you said these words to them. If someone tells you “I didn’t mean it,” do you believe them? Do they think they believed you? While words can never be taken back, the phrase “I didn’t mean it” is often a veiled attempt to take back hurtful words. Other times “I didn’t mean it” can take on a different meaning.

“For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” – Matt 12:34

Scripture tells us “for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” So if this is true, and we know it is, what is really going on inside the heart of those who say, “I didn’t mean it”? Let me suggest a few possibilities:

I didn’t mean it in the way you perceived it.

In other words, while it could have been stated differently, the real issue is that the other person perceived it wrongly. Perhaps they even misinterpreted your motives. On the surface, communication is often about what is spoken and what is heard. But if we dug deeper, it is also about motives and perceptions. Honestly, we don’t always perceive words and statements correctly, and neither do others. It’s important to be humble in our perceptions and not ascribe motives of another.

I didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did.

This simply means, “I didn’t think through what I was going to say or how I should have said it.” There is a meaning behind the words, but perhaps it would have been best to have written it down first. We all do this at times and ought to be compassionate and caring in our word choices, choosing life giving words and speaking the truth in love. Listeners ought to listen in grace as well, giving the speaker the benefit of the doubt when possible.

I did mean to say what I wanted to say, but I didn’t anticipate the consequence of my words upon your feelings.

Sometimes we give statements and explanations simply to share our hearts and desires. Our intent is not to hurt others, but that is exactly what we did because we were being insensitive. Nevertheless, when this occurs, we ought to listen to others’ hurts and hearts so that we may learn and grow in compassion and grace. It also may be wise to search our own hearts to see if we had a self-centered motive.

I did mean it, but I’m backtracking to save my own hide.

Fear is a powerful motivator. If we backtrack our words, chances are we may be doing so out of fear of another’s wrath or consequences. Without any reasonable explanation, trust is likely to be damaged. To simply say, “I didn’t mean it” when you actually did mean it is a lie. Genuine humility and repentance is in order and are the only options for restoring trust in a relationship.

I did mean it because at the time that’s what I felt. But I know that’s not generally true.

Emotions can be pretty high when we are involved in arguments. We tend to exaggerate the more upset we are or the more something bothers us. In arguments, we say “you always” and “you never” because that is how it feels. The other person always does something we dislike or never does something we want. There are, however, typically exceptions to the ‘always’ and ‘nevers’, which the other person frequently points out when accused of always or never doing something.

I meant to hurt you with words I knew would hurt you, though I don’t believe the words I said were actually true (aka revenge).

This is often the case when arguments get really heated. When we are hurt we may purposely try to hurt others in order to get revenge. We say the hurtful words not because we believe them to be true, but to enact vengeance and emotionally hurt the other person. So, the explanation of “we didn’t mean it” is only partially true. To admit that the words spoken were out of a revengeful heart is important to confess, even when explaining they are not believed. Such words can never be taken back, but to identify your heart and work on personal anger is a step in a good direction.

The phrase, “I didn’t mean it” doesn’t seem to be a trustworthy or believable statement. If the statement comes “out of the heart,” then it is important to discern what was really in the heart when the statement was made. Sometimes it may involve poor word choices, but other times it can be as sinister as the heart being filled with anger and revenge. As sinners, there will be times we speak before thinking and say hurtful words. We will want to take them back. But since we can’t, there is no sense minimizing what was said, but to search our hearts and minds to determine what was inside and seek forgiveness for any sinful action and motive. If we do not humble ourselves and do these steps, any words or apologies will be shallow, at best.

What other explanations for “I didn’t mean it” are at the heart? List your thoughts in the comments below.

Wash your hands frequently. Wipe unclean surfaces. Wear a facial mask. Wear gloves and replace them often. Immediately take a shower when you get home and wash your clothes right away! Use hand sanitizer when you cannot wash your hands. Don’t touch your face. Remain at home. Stay at least 6 feet away from people. Did I miss anything?

For the first time for many of us, we are living in a global crisis where the world has slowed down. People are staying at home as businesses and schools either shut down or go online. Fear is widespread and is showing itself to be just as contagious as the coronavirus. With these fears, rules are established to prevent the spread and protect ourselves from suffering, and even death. And because we love our lives and families so much, we become diligent in protecting ourselves and our families from such harm. Yet how do we remain diligent without it turning into Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)?

First, let’s define OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder which involves obsessing on a certain fear, followed by a compulsion (an intense urge/need) to quench the fear. An intense fear of germs can lead hand washing. Not once or twice, but excessively. For some, they feel the compulsion to wash their hands 10 times in order to feel that they are safe…until the fear intensifies again. Someone who fears for their lives by someone breaking into their home will lock, unlock, and re-lock their doors a number of times to make certain the door is locked. OCD is a battle of control and certainty. It is to make certain the fear does not come true by performing a ritual that brings peace.

So, how do we face our fears without them overtaking us? How do we not become OCD during this pandemic?

1. Recognize that we are spiritual beings. As such, how we interact, interpret, and respond to what is going on in our world will flow from our Christian worldview. Dr. Mike Emlet, counselor at CCEF states, “At our core (our heart) we choose to worship either the God who created us and thus organize our thoughts, emotions, and actions around Him or we choose to worship something or someone that He created and organize our lives around that (Romans 1:21-25).”  Therefore, we ought to address our fears in light of His Word, and not simply address it by actions alone.
2. Focus on facts over fears. Author and speaker Leslie Vernick states, “Fear gets a voice, but it doesn’t get a vote.” While recognizing that a virus can be scary, quarantine and hand washing is a fact-based response. Considering the contagiousness of the virus, we absolutely ought to follow these exercises. However, when fear takes control of our responses, we begin to tumble into the excessive. The “what if’s” that master those with OCD lead us to go beyond facts towards prophecies which rarely, if ever, come true. As an exercise, Foundations’ counselor Janet Lanton recommends we use colored crayons to draw a roadmap, or our safe zone based on facts. Using Philippians 4:8, we can write down whatever is true, noble, right, good, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent or praiseworthy inside the roadmap. Then, write all of the “what-ifs” outside. This will help to recognize the fears and focus on the facts. While we may not have control over the pandemic, we can control our thoughts and minimize our fears as we focus on Him.
3. Peace and certainty come from God, not from us. OCD is battle for having control over an outcome. Performing rituals to fulfill intense compulsions to bring certainty or peace is only temporary at best. Jeremiah 17:5-8 explains the conflict between one who trusts in man (oneself or others) and the one who trusts in God. The one who trusts in man (or rituals performed by man) does not produce good results or lasting fruit, yet the one who trusts in God will not give in to fear because their confidence is in God, not in rituals performed by us. Trusting in Him produces good fruit that lasts for eternity. As long as we look to ourselves to bring certainty and peace, we will continue to falter. However, the more we look to Him, to trust in His goodness (Ps 34:8), His love (1 Jn 4:16), His provision (Php 4:19), His plan (Jer 29:11), the greater the peace we have.

Whether you already struggle with OCD or OCD tendencies, or you are trying not to let your fears turn into OCD, building confidence in our God is the best path towards healing. Spiritual tasks such as meditating on the Psalms (one per day), declaring our trust in Him, asking God to help our unbelief, singing praises, and giving thanks are ways to help our spiritual walk and hearts. Physically, we may follow the exercise above (see #2 above), or we may write out our fears of suffering, sickness, or death on a separate piece of paper and put it in a “God box” (i.e. empty tissue box). This signifies that you are giving your fears to God and trust Him with them. 

Overall, the goal is to address our fears through our relationship with God, and not allow them to run amok or take control. We want to respond to the facts of the pandemic without fears taking center stage. Finally, we ought to look to His character of love, grace and mercy. Whether facing a pandemic or not, God’s love, faithfulness, sovereignty, and grace are the only certainties in this world. Therefore, let us focus on what is certain and the One who gives peace in uncertainty – Jesus, the Prince of Peace.

When I was in elementary school, I remember playing a game with some other guys called, “No Offense, But…” I really don’t think it’s a game, but the rules are this: You can say anything you want to someone else, as long as you say, “No offense, but…” beforehand. So it would go like this, “No offense, but you’re ugly.” “No offense, but you’re fat.” “No offense, but you’re an idiot.” Since the words “no offense” were said beforehand, the other person was not allowed to be offended and you could say whatever insult you wanted. I think the teachers put a stop to that game pretty quick, and rightfully so.

“Taking offense turns an emotional hurt into an intentional harm, a distaste into a disgust, and an insecurity into an insurrection.”

What does it mean to take offense or be offended at another’s words or actions? Being offended involves seeing or hearing another’s words or actions and allowing them to be amplified in your inner-most being. Taking offense turns an emotional hurt into an intentional harm, a distaste into a disgust, and an insecurity into an insurrection. At times when we are offended, we assume another’s motives and take pride in “knowing” that our own interpretations are correct. Other times we are correct in our understanding of their intent, and we become offended because what they did was morally wrong. Every time we take offense, however, we conclude we are in the right and they are in the wrong. Therefore, we often feel justified and entitled to be offended and to hold onto our shock and anger. Often, relationships become damaged because offense was either given or taken. But is this what God desires from us?

If you are someone who gets offended easily, is presently offended, knows someone who is offended, or helps people who get offended (in other words, if you are human), consider these points when dealing with offense:

Being offended is a heart and identity issue. Scripture is clear that all we say and do comes from our hearts. That includes taking offense. While others may do inappropriate things or say inappropriate words, taking offense is our response to such actions. If we are right in our interpretation of their actions being morally wrong, taking offense means we respond in shock and allow the other’s actions to marinate in our minds and hold on to feelings of anger or disgust. When you choose to hold onto an offense, ask yourself, what are you really feeling? What do you do with that anger? Avoidance? Irritation? Counter-attack? Snarky remarks? When we take offense at something, it means we take it personally. When we take things personally, we see comments or actions attacking the very core of our being or character. But if our identity is found in Christ and not in another’s words or actions, then any offense would likely not be taken. Our identity and worth found in Christ are at the very core of who we are. If we find our identity and worth in other people, we will be more likely to be offended.

Being offended is a choice. Taking offense does not occur due to another’s words or actions because it is our response. It occurs in our hearts because we choose to be offended. If we choose to be offended, we typically blame the other person for us being offended. They need to apologize. They need to make it right. They need to stop their behaviors and actions. Whatever it is, it is their fault for our offense and we make it their responsibility for changing how we feel. We also conclude that we are in the right and they are in the wrong. While the words or actions of another may be inappropriate or sinful, or we may interpret their words or actions as inappropriate or sinful, it is our choice on whether we become offended or not. In his book, Unoffendable, radio personality and author Brant Hanson encourages believers to become people who are, as the title says, unoffendable. He states “unoffendability frees us to love people in risky and profound ways. You can’t find a single story in the Bible where [Jesus is] so disgusted, so scandalized by someone’s moral behavior, that He writes him off” (p.27). Choosing not to be offended protects your heart from resentment.

Being offended leads to resentment. Marinating anger in the heart becomes resentment fairly quickly. When we are angry, we see ourselves as completely right and others are totally wrong. We believe we have the right to be angry, but we must be careful because we are never entitled to our anger. Pastor Paul Bevere warns believers to flee from the trap of offense. In his book, The Bait of Satan, Bevere shares a personal story about how he took offense at another pastor’s unkind words. For years, he held onto this offense, but after receiving conviction from the Holy Spirit, he confessed his resentment to the other pastor and sought forgiveness from him. The other pastor followed his lead and also confessed sin as well. The two remained friends years later. If offense leads to anger and resentment, and believers are told to get rid of these, then offense is undoubtedly, the bait of Satan.

Sharing your offense with others is sin. Generally, when people are offended there is an internal need to tell others. Why? Perhaps it is to feel validated or perhaps because one thinks others should know.  Rarely is an offense shared with others to gauge one’s own heart and reactions. It is typically for the offended’s benefit and the offender’s shame. Power? Control? Revenge? Whatever the reason for the sharing, a shared offense becomes gossip. According to Pastor and Author Matt Mitchell (Resisting Gossip), sinful gossip is “bearing bad news behind someone’s back out of a bad heart.” Instead of lovingly confronting the offender, the offended may seek revenge on an offender by speaking bad about them behind their back, or they may seek favor from others so they feel validated and don’t feel alone. This helps them feel empowered in their offense by uniting others in their cause, but also helps others join in their offense against the other person. If you are offended, it is best to check your own heart and perhaps seek counsel from one wise, trusted and impartial source. We are called only to confess our own sins, not to confess another’s sins to other people. If there is a need to tell another, a trusted confidant or counselor who is willing to be honest with you would be acceptable, but sharing with anyone else would be gossip. If someone sins against you, “go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over” (Matthew 15:18). 

Taking offense at people’s words or actions is a matter of the heart. We can choose to take others’ words and actions personally, or we can recognize that whatever others say and do are simply words or actions from a sinful and fallible person. Their words and deeds are opinion and not truth. We must stand in our identity as Children of God, refuse to be moved by such words or actions of people, and instead stand firm in who we are in Christ. We also ought to remain humble in our interpretations and not assume we know another’s motives for their words or actions. While taking offense is a choice, how we deal with being offended is also a choice and reveals our hearts. If we are humble and need confidential counsel in how to deal with our offense, that would be alright. Yet if we tell others, we ought to check our hearts and gauge our actions to God’s Word (Mt 15:18). May God grant you wisdom and discernment as you seek not to be offended, but instead to respond in love.

“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”       2 Cor 12:9

We don’t like to feel weakness. Weakness, we conclude, is for those who are incapable of being independent. Weakness is for those who lack strength and clarity. Weakness is for those who don’t have it all together and who ought to have it all together. Weakness is for other people, but not for us.

We often have an internal need to be strong and present ourselves well to others. We want to show people we have it all together, can collect ourselves, and get through any situation because we’re strong. But the problem is…well, we’re not.

For many people, weakness is not simply a physical attribute, but is equal to emotional vulnerability. We are weak because we can’t deal with the stresses in life. We are weak because we feel the need to cry. We are weak if we show sadness, hurt, tears, dependence, and any need for help.

Why do we have issues showing weakness? Pride. Our pride wants to prove to ourselves that we can get through anything, that we are independent and not needing anyone. Pride tells us to stand on our feet and never to get on our knees in submission. Our pride leads us to believe that showing weakness is equal to being less than. Less than what? Less of an ideal man. Less of an ideal woman. Less than any ideal that is in the mind.

But here’s the kicker. If we are truly honest with ourselves, we ought to realize that we are less than the ideal in our minds. We are less than the ideal of our hearts. We are weak and needy. It’s OK for us to realize this, because without this acknowledgement, there would be no need for God.

Every so often I’m reminded of how frail I am. I was talking with my wife and simply didn’t realize how troubled I can be when considering a few health issues. I found myself fighting back a few tears when thinking about how things could become in the next ten to twenty years. Why did I fight the tears? Because I wanted to be strong, even though I know I can be vulnerable with my wife.

When we fight back our emotions, we are preventing our weakness from showing itself. Yet, it is this vulnerability that brings people closer to one another and actually strengthens the bond between two people. It is only after we share our hearts that we actually grow stronger.

In the verse above, Paul shares that he has gotten to the point to boast about his weaknesses so that God’s grace (favor) may empower him. God’s power became most evident in his life when he humbled himself before God and others. Admitting any weakness and vulnerability to them showed God’s power was at work. 

Emptying ourselves of our pride means God’s power will prevail.

Friends, many of us are doing our best to hold things together and to be strong for everyone around us. We are doing life as best as we can considering what is going on outside our control. While doing what you can, I encourage you to remember to get down on your knees (if you physically can) and go before the Lord to seek Him.

Share your thoughts and feelings with Him. If you can talk out loud, I recommend doing this as it makes it “more real” than just thoughts. Sometimes it helps even to hear ourselves talk. Share with a spouse or friend what you are working through and be totally vulnerable if they are safe people. If not, then perhaps see a counselor or talk to a trusted pastor.

Do you have the strength to be weak? Allow yourself to be weak. Only then will you grow stronger by His grace. Need additional help, check out this blog, Coping with Christ. Blessings!

Note: This blog is written by Foundations’ Counselor Zack Rollison, MS, LPC. Zack is sharing the “Steps in Identity” model he uses in counseling.

Identity is a powerful thing. It is how we define ourselves, it clarifies our purpose. It can also be pretty hard to nail down. Think about it. We all have thousands of identities at any given moment. Sometimes that makes it difficult to answer basic, vital questions, like, ‘Who am I?’

We’re going to walk through a simple visualization technique that might make it a little easier to sort all of that out. Let’s start by imagining a bunch of steps (as in the image above). Think of each step as just one facet of your identity. For example: student, brother, mechanic, mother, stamp collector, priest, knitting enthusiast, and so on. Write a few down, see how many you can come up with in your life. For our purposes, lets put the most important ones lower down on the diagram – closest to our foundation.

At any time, we might be living out one facet of our identity more prominently than others. For the woman in the example above, today she’s feeling really good about her identity as a teacher – maybe a student learned a difficult concept, or she got a sweet thank-you note from a family for her hard work. When this happens, we are ‘standing on’ that particular step of our identity. It supports us and it makes us feel secure.

The problem is, most of our identities are based on things that are subject to change. Generally, we identity in two ways: in terms of something we do, or in terms of how we relate to someone or something else. Most of those things can change rapidly. They usually depend upon ourselves or on another person, and thus, those steps are only as secure as people are – which is to say, not very secure at all.

In this example, the woman suddenly hit a snag in her teaching day, which caused ‘cracks’ in that step beneath her. Perhaps a student made her feel defeated, or her boss gave her a bad report. Whatever the case, the ‘Teacher’ step became cracked and unstable, and so she was forced to step down onto another, deeper facet of her identity to try and regroup.

For our example, let’s say she tried to step to a few other levels – first ‘Caregiver,’ and then ‘Wife,’ but she found that it was just a bad day all around. Maybe after school she got into an argument with the person she took care of, and when she tried to confide in her husband, he just tried to fix it instead of really listening. So now, she has stepped down to the very deepest layer of her identity – her foundation –looking for solace and stability. In this woman’s case, she identifies at the deepest level as a ‘Mother.’

Now, this is the foundation we’re talking about. This is the facet of our identity that we’ve decided is the most important part of who we are. And when we, like this woman, take a piece of our identity that is dependent upon other people and make it foundational, we base our entire stability on flawed, imperfect humans who are subject to mood swings and bad days. In other words, we set ourselves up to fall every time things don’t go as we want them to. For our example, we’ll say this woman’s kids refused to listen and made her feel like a terrible mom. It was the last straw of her terrible day, and now she’s lost all sense of stability and is questioning everything about her life. She needs a firmer foundation – one that won’t crack under pressure.

The nifty thing is that God built our minds with a superpower called ‘metacognition.’ That’s a fancy word that means we have the ability to think about how we think. In other words, we can step outside our thoughts, observe them, and move things around when they’re not working out for us. We can re-prioritize and reorganize them. As this woman is doing, we have the ability to decide, at any given moment, which part of our identity we’re going to make foundational – which one we’re going to stand on when everything else in our lives falls apart.

Take a moment and think back through the list of your identities. Is there anything on there that is not based on how you relate to another person? Is there anything that is not dependent upon yourself or your own skills or talents? In essence – is there anything on that list that isn’t subject to cracking and breaking under pressure?

I’ll be honest: there’s only one foundation I’ve ever found that is completely impervious to the pressures of life – our identity as children of God. Because, unlike humans, God doesn’t have bad days. He doesn’t falter. He doesn’t change. His love for us isn’t based on our ability to do things perfectly – it’s based in His character, which, as we mentioned, never changes.

When our relationships are on the rocks, when our kids drive us crazy, when we fail at the jobs we’ve trained so hard for – or when our health declines and our strength is all spent, when everything we’ve stood on for so long is shaken and cracked and unsteady – there, at the foundation of all we are, we must learn to identify ourselves with the one thing that will never leave us or forsake us – the love of our beautiful, incredible God. This is the one, true, firm foundation upon which we may successfully build our lives.

The cool thing about that is that having God as our foundation infuses every other part of our lives with His strength. We can move past threats to our stability in our jobs or relationships because we know that beneath it all we’re firmly secure in who we are as God’s beloved, valued children. We can teach better, love better, work better, play harder, rest more soundly – because who we are in Christ cannot ever be taken away from us.

It also grants us the really necessary gift of perspective. When we know that our souls are secure and we are truly loved, we can always step off of shaky identities and onto the truth of who we are in Christ. And when we take pressure off of a cracked identity to make us feel secure, we can actually see much more clearly how to address the problems and fix the cracks. For example, if I’m looking to my marriage to provide my security (standing on the ‘Wife’ or ‘Husband’ step), I’m so fearful of losing it that I’m putting all my weight on it – and that is too much pressure for me to be able to objectively work on it. The more I try, I will only keep getting frustrated – like trying to fix a step on the staircase while I’m standing directly on it. However, when I stand on who I am in Christ, I can draw strength from Him to calmly communicate, identify concerns, and bring His love and grace into the mix to heal and restore.

So that’s the question: Which one of your many identities are you standing on right now? Which one has been foundational in your life lately? And when are you going to decide to let the unshakeable love of our great God be the one thing that truly defines who you are when all else cracks and crumbles?

“Therefore whoever hears these sayings of mine, and does them, I will liken him to a wise man who built his house on the rock: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it did not fall, for it was founded on the rock.

“But everyone who hears these sayings of mine, and does not do them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand: and the rain descended, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house; and it fell. And great was its fall.”

Matthew 7:24-27

Listen. Value. Love.

#listenvaluelove

One of the greatest plagues in the world today is not COVID or any other physical disease, but one that effects body, soul, heart, and mind. The plague of pornography has impacted millions of lives across the globe. There are many who believe that pornography is not a big deal, arguing that it is normal, natural, healthy, and possibly helpful. While I would disagree with this, the problems that arise within people and relationships from viewing it increase exponentially as it becomes an addiction. Viewing pornography hinders a deeper and personal relationship with God and others.

Let me outline 5 reasons why I believe this is the case. Pornography:

1. Causes Discontentment – “That’s something I don’t have.”

I would define discontentment as an unhappiness or displeasure with God’s merciful and gracious gifts to you. Often stemming from ingratitude, discontentment focuses on what a person does not have, rather than what they do have.

Does discontentment in the heart lead to viewing pornography, or does viewing pornography lead to discontentment? I think the answer is YES! It a cycle that often continues until contentment is found through 1) Christ and 2) gratitude for all he has given us. To look beyond what he has given is to say, “Lord, you have not given me all I want. I want more. I want something else in addition to what you’ve given or haven’t given me. If you haven’t given me what I want, I will go get what I want.” In doing so, we thumb our noses at God.

If we wish to keep ourselves from viewing pornography and remain close to our loved ones and God, we must learn to become content. Paul addresses this by stating “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.  I can do all this through him who gives me strength” (Phil 4:12-13).

We grow in contentment through trusting in his love and wisdom of Christ – that what He has given is enough for us, and what He has not given has not been given for our benefit – for a time. Additionally, growing in gratitude for what Christ has done for us and all he has given to us on a daily basis will help us remain content in Christ. To look elsewhere is to betray our spouses and grieve God.

“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth” (Prov 5:18).

2. Changes Desires – “That’s something I want to experience.”

Have you ever been scrolling Facebook or been in a store and saw something that caught your eye, and you immediately thought, “I want that.” It happens to me all the time when I scroll Facebook and see pictures of a chocolate and peanut butter dessert.

While desires don’t define us, they certainly can lead us in various directions. As we have seen through advertisements, our desires can be influenced and manipulated easily. Simply showing a picture or presenting the case of why you should have the product and how it will make you happy often moves a person to buy-in to the sales pitch.

Pornography has a product – sex, orgasm, happiness. Pornography has a sales pitch – “This will make you happy and sexually fulfilled,” or perhaps, “This will occupy your mind so that you don’t have to deal with the stresses of life.” The excitement and chemical release that accompanies the viewing of naked bodies, sexual acts, and accompanying masturbation is a reward in itself – giving a moment or two where the promise of satisfaction is fulfilled. It also reinforces the belief that pornography is your refuge – but it never truly satisfies the soul.

Whatever is viewed on the internet often becomes desired in real life. Did you view a certain position that looked interesting? Did you see a certain sexual act, tool, or other item that caught your eye? You will likely spend time fantasizing about it and want to use it or do it in person. This may cause conflicts in relationships if it is demanded or if there are negative responses.

Many have shared that viewing pornography started with a simple curiosity in childhood, or an innocent internet search that lead to pornographic sites. Yet in time and with continued viewing, looking at naked pictures turns into observing sexual acts, which later turns into deviant sexual behavior and acting out, which can lead to illegal or immoral activities. While not all sexual acts will become illegal, it is obvious that sexual desires change over time with the viewing of pornography. New desires are created and these desires often turn into demands – and demands need to be satisfied. As they become one’s focus, they become one’s idols, placing this action higher in importance, and reducing the spouse from a valued person to an object used for self-satisfaction.

“I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart” (Psalm 40:8).

3. Creates Dependency – “That’s something I need.”

Pornography, like alcohol and drugs, can become an addiction. In his book, Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave, Ed Welch defined addiction as a “voluntary slavery.” While there is a personal choice aspect in addictions (voluntary), the substance or behavior that is consumed ultimately enslaves the person through chemical responses in the body, thus creating a need or appetite for more. In pornography, the endorphins released through viewing and the reward through release (orgasm) create a unquenching need to view more pictures, movies, or acts.

Like many addictions, the physical dependency is often associated with an emotional need within the individual. Anxiousness, loneliness, and stress are three common internal and emotional struggles that lead to addictions. When these emotional struggles are relieved through the addictive behavior or substance, it reinforces the need to return to what has temporarily helped in the past.

Dependence on any person, substance, or behavior for relief of emotional or relational needs is placing these things above God. We are saying that we can handle our own problems without Him, and therefore are being our own saviors, or at minimum, turning to these substances or behaviors as our saviors. Scripture calls this idolatry.

Christ’s immense love for us and death on the cross for our sins set us free from obeying our sin nature and sinful desires. As he has loved us, he desires that we choose to walk with him intimately, because when we do, we are able to work through anything. Our emotional and relational needs are met through a deeper relationship with Christ. Our goal, as believers is to walk closer to Christ, yet when sin is present in our lives, we remain distant from Him.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery” (Gal 5:1).

4. Cultivates Dishonesty – “That’s something I need to hide.”

If we are hiding something, we intrinsically know we are doing something wrong. We are keeping it in the dark because we know that if it came to the light, we would be exposed and have to deal with the guilt and shame we may already feel. If you’re married, your spouse will feel betrayed. If you’re a child or young adult, you’d fear that parents or others would look down upon you and see you as sick. These are a few reasons many choose to stay in the darkness and keep it hidden. To bring sin into the light takes courage, and being honest with yourself is the first step.

Before we lie to others, we typically lie to ourselves. Being honest with ourselves can often be scary and painful. When we justify, minimize, or explain away our behaviors, we lie to ourselves and believe we are better than we actually are. To be honest with ourselves means that we realize we are not as good as we think, that we are liars, adulterers, and idolaters, and we can’t deal with that.

Except we can. This is why the gospel is so important for us, because our sin is the reason God sent His Son for us. To live in the light not only means to deal with the truth of our sinful state (that we are in darkness), but also to live in the grace of our Lord. This means Christ took our shame and guilt so that we can live under His favor as free children of God. It is to understand that our worth is not dependent upon what we have done, but upon what Christ has done for us. Our identity is not defined by our sinful desires, but by faith in Christ and His resurrection. We can acknowledge that we are idolaters and beyond cure because our sins don’t have the final word about us, Jesus does.

Dishonesty and living in darkness are characteristics of those who are following the deceiver. As believers and followers of Christ, we are called to live in the light, because he is the light of the world.

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” John 8:12 (ESV)

“I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” John 12:46.

5. Conceives Self-Centeredness – “That something I want for me.”

Viewing pornography is all about me. It’s about satisfying one’s own desires for personal pleasure. It is bypassing the relationship with God (and spouse, if married), therefore making a declaration that I can handle my emotions and desires apart from God. It places ourselves as not only the ones who have a problem, but also as the savior who can solve our own problems.

Additionally, the consistent use of pornography trains the heart and mind to view one’s partner or people of the opposite sex as an ends to a means. They exist to serve you and give you pleasure. Other people are reduced in value from being a person with their own desires and worth, to being seen as sexual objects who are essentially used for personal satisfaction. While they are created in the Image of God and have inherent worth in God’s eyes, their worth is reduced to whether or not they will perform for you. And in fantasies, they always perform for you – often causing unrealistic expectations in reality.

How do we know if we are objectifying and devaluing others? Here’s five signs: 1) Anger or rage when a partner rejects sexual advances or doesn’t do what you want; 2) Eyes are constantly glancing or fixated on people’s private parts; 3) Fantasies of others doing what you want occupy the mind; 4) Your thoughts about others mainly involve what they can do for you (not what you can do for them); 5) You have a double-standard where you can do what you want (or spend money on what you desire) but they cannot get what they desire (perhaps you tell them we don’t have the money, but you just bought a TV).

Pornography viewing is all about the me, myself, and I. Some may argue that they view it to get aroused and add spice to their marriage and is therefore “for” the other person or “for” the marriage rather than being selfish. However I believe this is a self-deception. Porn viewing may feel like it is needed because of past viewing and “pornographic tolerance” – that is, it takes more to be aroused because one is already accustomed to lesser stimuli. If a person were to cut pornography viewing altogether, arousal will come back with lesser visual stimuli and a heart devoted to God and spouse.

“But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days.  People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy,  without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good,  treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God—  having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people” (2 Tim 3:1-5).

While this list does not remain a comprehensive list of how pornography viewing hinders our relationships with God and others, my hope is that it may lead some on the path towards healing. Though pornography is known as a behavioral addiction, changing behaviors will not cause a lasting change. It is only when our hearts are changed that the viewing of pornography will also change.

Our hearts need to be changed from discontent to contentedness; from desiring to fulfill sinful pleasure to desiring to honor God; from being deceived or deceiving ourselves to being honest, from being dependent on ourselves or pornography to being dependent on God; and from being self-centered to being other-focused.

Ultimately we cannot change ourselves. Such heart work can only be done by God when we repent and submit our hearts, will, and desires to Him. Then we partner with the Spirit’s work in us and go all out nuclear war against this sin, bringing our deeds of darkness into the light through confession and accountability. As we pursue Him and purity, He changes us from the inside out.

If you would like counseling for this struggle, marriage, or any other reason, please contact us and you will be in touch with one of our counselors!

I also recommend Sexual Sanity for Men by David White and Sexual Sanity for Women, by Ellen Dykas.

Fred Jacoby, MA

Social media sites, such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tik Tok, Snapchat and the like have risen in popularity over the last fifteen years. If we were to keep track of the time we have spent on these sites, many of us would be fairly embarrassed, including myself. Personally, as I have scrolled down my feed and have read a number of posts and comments by other believers, I have been sometimes shocked, but mostly saddened by many. Our carefulness, kindness, love, and respect for others – all of which are core components of our Christianity – have taken a back seat, while personal opinions, self-centeredness, fear and thoughtlessness take center stage. 

If we were to keep track of the time we have spent on these sites, many of us would be fairly embarrassed, including myself. Personally, as I have scrolled down my feed and have read a number of posts and comments by other believers, I have been sometimes shocked, but mostly saddened by many. Our carefulness, kindness, love, and respect for others – all of which are core components of our Christianity – have taken a back seat, while personal opinions, self-centeredness, fear and thoughtlessness take center stage.

While I don’t have numbers to back this statement up, I believe our witness to others is becoming greater with our online presence now than face-to-face. While face-to face will always be important, people have grown comfortable and careless with an online presence, often expressing more than we ought. But what do our posts tell us (and others) about what is in our hearts?

“A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” (Luke 6:35)

Ask yourself, “Why are you posting what you are posting?” This question ought to be asked before every post because the answer may surprise us. There is a purpose behind our social media posts, and we must be careful our posts honor God and are used as platforms for peace, rather than platforms for one’s opinion or to receive praise from others. 

Below are three platforms commonly used by people posting in social media that reflect what is in the heart: The platform of opinions, the platform for praise, and the platform of God’s purposes.

PLATFORM FOR OPINIONS (I want to share my opinion) – The wisest man in the world gives us great wisdom for our social media posts. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice” (Prov 12:5). “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion” (Prov 18:2). Let’s be real here. We often believe we are right, especially when it comes to politics, and we may be right. We also like to express those opinions, possibly in the hope that others will listen, be flexible, and come to our way of thinking. I’m not sure how often that happens, as I have seen more arguments than productive dialogue. Gaining understanding rather than getting your point across is a key to communication, both in relationships and online interactions. Now if you hear their thoughts and opinions and the other person is also interested in understanding your thoughts, you can have a great dialogue. If not, perhaps they are the ones being foolish.

When a person believes they are in the right, many seem to be empowered to not just look down upon another’s views, but also upon the other person or the representative of the opposite position. For example, how many of you have seen or taken part in personal attack posts about Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Shumer, and Former President Obama? How about personal attacks on President Trump, Mike Pence, or Rush Limbaugh? It is necessary to disagree with people and policies, but it is unnecessary to post derogatory comments or posts that insult them by calling names, curse words, or wishing disaster on them. CHRISTIAN, are you listening?!

“With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be.” I firmly believe that everything the scriptures talk about regarding speaking and the tongue also applies to what is written, and even what is shared or posted.  I plead with you, Christian, do not praise God and curse or insult others who are created in the image of God. Disagree with them. Vote for their opponent. Stand up for what is right in the eyes of God, but do not let your insults cross over from their performance to their personhood. As Paul said, “brothers and sisters, this should not be.”

Furthermore, since it is used as a platform of opinions, we also must ask ourselves if what we are posted is even true. How many posts online are filled with half-truths or according to party lines to sway public opinions towards one side or the other? When we post opinions, we not only assume we are right, but what we post is also true.

As we continue to check our hearts, we may not use our social media outlets as a platform for our opinions, but we may be using them as a platform for praise.

PLATFORM FOR PRAISE (I want or need other’s positive responses) – I have to constantly check my heart on this one as I sadly fall short. I enjoy making people laugh, saying witty things and writing words of insight and God’s wisdom in short posts or blogs. It can be disappointing when stats aren’t high and comments are either negative or nonexistent. I have to continually check my heart on this as I admittedly enjoy the praise of humanity a little too much. Yet, I also have a ministry to help people and share the insights he gives.

With these things in mind, it would be wise to check our hearts, and ask ourselves the following questions:

1) Are you the subject of your posts? If most of your pictures are of you, well, that’s a problem. In Greek mythology, Narcissus the hunter saw his reflection in water and fell in love with it. Continuous selfies wearing various outfits, showing different poses and facial expressions are not very different. While there is nothing wrong with a few selfies, the regular use of them on posts reflect a heart that is geared towards self, and the need for praise often feeds the desire to do more. 

2) Are you the hero of your post? If you list your accomplishments for all to read or state the good things you do for others, you might be using social media as a platform for praise.

3) What is your response when others don’t respond or don’t respond as you think they ought?  If you notice you are disappointed, upset, or angry, chances are you wanted something and you didn’t get it. What did you want? Possibly it was praise.

4) How often do you check your Facebook to see whether people responded? Not knowing whether anyone will comment, there is often a reward when people check and they see a positive comment. This reinforces the need to keep checking so they can get additional rewards. A Behaviorist would call this “unpredictable rewards.” If you find yourself feeling the need to keep checking, it is likely that the need that is present is a need for praise (worth, identity, love).

I would suspect that social media being used as a platform for praise is fairly common. While spending less time on social media is helpful, ultimately we need to find ourselves confident and secure in who we are through Christ, rather than seek the approval or praise of others. Consider Paul’s words: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Gal 1:10). We can only change from being people pleasers to God pleasers by accepting the pleasure He has in us by His grace. 

PLATFORM FOR GOD’S PURPOSES (I want to please God) – According to the Westminster Confession, the purpose of life (our “chief end”) is “to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.” I like this definition because it involves the word “enjoy.” God has given us so much. Our relationships, finances, and experiences can bless us or teach us so much. But above all else, He has given us His love, grace, and even Himself; and through Christ, He has given us salvation and eternal life. There is really so much to enjoy in life, whether we see it or are unable to. I believe it is good to share with others how wonderful He is, what He has given us (including relationships and experiences of joy), as well as to share the insights and wisdom He has given as well. I believe He wants us to share ourselves with the world, because we are uniquely made and gifted. Yet our purposes in glorifying Him also include being a light to reflect His love and to reveal truth to the world in love. So by all means, share family pictures and experiences, share your love for Christ and encourage others to do the same. Yet when we lose sight of our purposes to glorify Him and enjoy Him, we will often be misguided by our own thoughts, opinions, and desires. I believe this is what happens when we use the social media platforms for praise or to give our opinions.

If you’ve read this far, you’ve read more than most. And I thank you for doing so. My hope is that we, as believers in Jesus Christ do not lose sight of our duty to love others and be a light for His Kingdom. Instead, many dim the light by losing sight of Christ and His purposes for us on Social Media. Instead, let’s seek Him, ask Him to search our hearts, and request Him to change our hearts while we use social media to influence the World for His kingdom and not our own. 

Fred Jacoby, MA

Director, Foundations Christian Counseling Services

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The year 2020 has come to a close, and many of us are glad about that. We have new hopes for 2021. We hope this will be a better year. We hope the pandemic will no longer have an effect on our everyday lives, businesses, and health. We hope and that keeps us going.

To help us get through, many have also read blogs and sought wisdom from outside sources, including myself. We (at Foundations Christian Counseling) are pleased to be able to be one of the many resources that help people who are simply trying to understand better, improve their lives and relationships, and grow closer to God. So, in light of this, we thought we’d share some of this year’s most read blogs we have written. So, without further ado, here we go:

#5 – Black-and-White Thinkers vs Relational Thinkers (an Introduction)

This was my (Fred) first blog that led to a series of Black-and-White thinking blogs, which eventually became a book, The Black-and-White Thinking Christian.

#4 – When You are Disappointed in Yourself

I think we can all relate to this! Who doesn’t get disappointed in themselves from time to time? We all do! Yet, if that disappointment turns into condemnation, we can get severely depressed. With Christ we can overcome our disappointment in ourselves to embrace his grace and become free from self-condemnation!

#3 – I’m Just Not Motivated!

If you’re a student or a parent of a student in 2020, motivation was a big issue. So many distractions at home and on the computer keep us from doing we we ought to do. This blog was the first in a series on motivation. Click to learn more!

#2 – Black-and-White vs Relational Thinkers: An Introduction (Part 2)

What better way to continue the first blog in the Black-and-White Thinking series than with a sequel?

#1 – The Black & White Thinking Quiz

This quiz was taken directly from my book, the Black-and-White Thinking Christian. I had a hard time finding a black-and-white thinking quiz online, so I just developed one. Are you a black-and-white thinker, or do you think you might know one? Take the free quiz and find out!

Thanks for reading our blog and trusting us as a resource! We hope your 2021 is filled with many blessings, but the greatest blessing of all is His Son, Jesus Christ. May the Lord enrich you by His grace and love, and may you draw nearer to Him with each passing day.

Blessings!

Fred Jacoby