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How to Hate the Sin We Love

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heart of stone-fleshSin is fun.  It is is exciting and may even be exhilarating.  Sin promises happiness, escape, and pleasure, and its promises are even true!  Well, just for a little while.  If sin was boring or didn’t offer any “rewards”, no one would want to do it.  And when we habitually sin, we do so because we love it (& ourselves).  We enjoy it.  We choose it over others, even God.  We may remember it in fondness and miss it when it is gone.  But we also know from God’s Word that sin is evil and to engage in it, even just once, brings death (“The wages of sin is death…”). Yet we can’t love God and love sin simultaneously, so how do we hate the sin what we love?

First, let’s consider a few verses in regards to hating sin:

Psalm 97:10  Let those who love the Lord hate evil…

Proverbs 8:13  To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.

 Amos 5:15  Hate evil, love good;

Isn’t it interesting that God needs to tell us to “hate evil“?  Our hearts are certainly “prone to wander, prone to leave the God I love.”  We are prone to love things we ought not to love, but to hate.  And we are prone to hate things we ought to love, or at least are better for us.

Recently I spoke to an addict who has been having a difficult time staying away from drugs.  He knows he needs to “say no” but he continuously says “yes” to them and he didn’t know why.  Besides the chemically addictive part in the drugs, there was also another reason why he went back.  He loved the drugs.  He loved what they did to his body and mind.  He believed its promises of escape and enjoyment.  He loved the drugs (and himself) more than he loved his family or God.  He asked me, “So how can I hate them and love my family more?

This leads us to the question, “How do we hate the sin we love?”  “How do we hate what we have affection for, what we strongly desire, and what we turn to in our struggles and stress?”  “How do we deny ourselves and love God and others more than ourselves?” At this point, I would love to come up with three proven strategies on how to do this.  I would love to share with certainty that it is a simple process of “just say no,” pray more or say certain prayers, and say “yes” more to God.  Although all these things may prove helpful at times, they won’t change your affections or desires, and they won’t permanently change your actions either.  Why?  Because outward actions will not change inside problems.  Our affections and desires (what we love and hate) stem from the heart, and our hearts can only be changed by the One who created our hearts.

In Ezekiel 11 and 36, God speaks to the Israelites and he tells them, “I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.”  Hearts of stone are hearts that neither love God, nor love the things He loves. Instead, hearts of stone loves the things he hates: sin.  In order to love God more and love the things he loves (and hate what he hates), we need hearts of flesh.  This is a surgical procedure only the Great Physician can do.  The changing of the heart is God’s domain.  We can’t change our hearts or remove our sins.  We can’t make moral decisions and actions and expect our affections and desires to turn 180 degrees.  We may have tried, but eventually, we are guaranteed to fail.

So, what can we do?

In changing our hearts…nothing.  But we can cooperate with the Holy Spirit in the process of our hearts changing.  We cooperate with Him by faith through 1) Acceptance of His love and mercy, 2) Brokenness over our sin, 3) Commitment to pursue what God loves (put off own sin and put on God’s law), and 4) recognize, believe, and see things from God’s perspective.

1) Acceptance of His love, truth, grace & mercy – Accepting is not an action, it is believing.  It is believing that His love is greater than our sins.  It is believing that His laws are motivated by His love and that they are good and for our benefit and His glory.  It is believing that God’s favor is upon us, not because of what we have done, but because of who He is.  It is believing that He forgives you and He will give you strength to carry on.  Our belief, however, is tested by our doing.  We will do what we believe.  So, since His laws are motivated by love and He wants the best for us, will you put this belief into actions by following them?
2) Brokenness over our sins – Unless we recognize and believe we are broken, we will not recognize our need to be fixed, and we will not see our daily need for a Savior.  Brokenness is not hanging on to guilt and shame, but a grieving period where we recognize our wandering hearts and actions (sins) have placed Christ on the cross (Ps 51 – “Against you alone have I sinned“).  Brokenness recognizes that we have caused sorrow to others and to God and essentially places ourselves in the hands of God to fix.  Without brokenness, we will still love what we ought to hate.
3) Commitment to pursue what God loves – Romans 8 speaks about making decisions that are in line with the Spirit of God as opposed to the flesh.  Whichever nature we feed will reap its own benefits or consequences.  If we continue to make decisions from the flesh (which is what God hates), then we often will reinforce further decisions of the flesh.  If we make decisions from the Spirit, we will reinforce further decisions of the Spirit.  Our commitments to pursue what God loves (in the Spirit) often involve accountability from others, limiting our opportunities to sin by recognizing times or places of weaknesses and taking action, and studying His Word.
4) See from God’s Perspective – Isa 5:20 states that many “see evil as good and good as evil, light as darkness and darkness as light, sweet as bitter and bitter as sweet.”  In other words, we’re seeing things all wrong.   One person I spoke to who had an affair saw the adulterous relationship as good and godly because they prayed together, felt better when they were with each other, and enjoyed their time together.  Yet this person was deceived because it was an adulterous relationship. Evil became good because it felt good and there was “good” in it, but the adulterous relationship was really evil.  The Truth (with a capital “T”) of God must always trump the truth of feelings.  It is easy to deceive ourselves, so we need to see from God;s perspective.

Hating the sin we love is an impossible task to do alone.  We truly need transformed hearts and minds, and such transformation cannot occur by our own actions or will, but instead by the love, grace, and mercy of our God.  Our hearts of stone need to be replaced with hearts of flesh by God himself.  Our minds need to be transformed by His Truth. Our affections and desires need to be transformed by His Spirit.  And all of this is done through His Son, Jesus Christ.  Hating the sin we love is possible only when we love the One who hates sin.  Therefore pursue Him with all your heart and mind, and let Him “who began a good work in you carry it out to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Php 1:6).



Insecurity and Black & White Thinkers

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in·se·cu·ri·ty  ˌinsəˈkyo͝orədē/
noun
 1.  uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.
  1. “she had a deep sense of insecurity”
    synonyms:  lack of confidence, self-  doubtdiffidence, unassertiveness,  timidityuncertaintynervousness,  inhibitionMore

Insecure _brett ellis

Insecurity is something most of us have faced at some time or another.  It doesn’t matter who you are, your personality, location, ethnicity, sex, etc.  Insecurity is feeling self-doubt and a lack of confidence in who we are (identity) and what we are worth (value). Typically, most of us have felt this in our teen years, or even earlier.  We first look to our parents for security (worth, etc.), then to peers and also to performance.  If our peers like and accept us, or our performance in school or sports or arts gets us recognition & praise, then we feel good and have value.  When considering parents, peers, and performance for our sense of security or worth, we can generally do without one, maybe two of them, but we have a hard time living without affirmation in all three.  We may even grow older continuing to seek worth and approval by continuing to perform well, please parents, or please peers, but eventually performance and people pleasing backfire in relationships.

For Black & White Thinkers who are insecure,  the “all or nothing” thinking plays a significant role in the interpretation of both words spoken to them and events surrounding them. As a result of the “all or nothing” / “right or wrong” thinking, they come to conclusions of negative self-worth.  (Note: As a negative self-worth is present in depression, I recommend reading Black & White Thinking in Depression to understand how some of the thinking occurs.)  Insecure individuals have a difficult time distinguishing between behaviors / actions and personhood.  If you do something bad (actions), this means you are bad (personhood).  And if you are bad, then your sense of worth decreases.

An insecure person generally takes things personally.  Words of instruction or direction may be taken as criticism.  Where Black & White Thinking may occur is when another person says they didn’t do something well, this is interpreted as meaning they did horrible.  If one says they did good, this means they either did great or horrible (if they are perfectionists).  It typically goes to either side of the extreme.  There is no middle ground for many Black & White Thinkers.  

Responsibility & Protection

For some Black & White Thinkers, to accept responsibility for wrong (actions) would mean to admit fault.  Admitting fault or guilt would mean they are bad, horrible, no good and worthless (personhood), and means they are entirely to blame for the issue (100% at fault).  In order to protect themselves, some use blame-shifting, justifying (“I yelled because you disrespected me!“), and may even attack others so as to keep their fragile personhood in tact (0% at fault).  For example, if you try to tell a Black & White Thinker that they did something wrong in a conflict, it is quite possible that they will think you are blaming them for the entire conflict.  Why? Because they are either all to blame or not at all to blame.  If they are all to blame, they are all bad or wrong. There may not be any middle ground.  To take responsibility (or admit guilt or wrongdoing) only for their part (25%, 50%. 75%, etc.) may be difficult to grasp.  So, they may either become down and depressed (feeling blamed for everything) or they may become more verbally aggressive (attacking others who they feel attacked them).  This does not occur in all Black & White Thinkers, only those who are more insecure.

Self-Protection & Preservation is one of key tasks of an insecure Black & White Thinker. Often, feelings of hurt, rejection, grief, abandonment, etc. are too difficult to bear.  Since Black & White Thinkers are more concrete, and feelings are abstract, working through such intangible feelings may seem an impossible task. Additionally, since such negative feelings of hurt, rejection, and abandonment are both difficult and painful to feel,  Black & White Thinking may increase in order to simplify life and nullify feelings.   It’s almost as if the protection mantra is this, “If the feelings aren’t acknowledged or felt, they are not there.  They don’t exist.”*  So life is simplified outside of emotions by refusing to feel, painful emotions are minimized, and the concrete words and actions become more of a focus.

Healing often begins when the negative emotions of hurt, rejection, and abandonment are acknowledged and worked through (felt), rather than ignored.  This is best done after the individual first recognizes that their emotional security (identity, self-worth & value) rests in God’s love and Christ’s actions on the cross, and not on what others have said or done to them, or in their own performance.  In order to work through such emotions, it would be wise to work through them with a trained Christ-centered counselor or a close, trusted friend or pastor.  Being anchored in the Truth of God’s love and grace for them is essential in working through insecurity, as our worth and value must be anchored in the Truth of God’s Word.  As God’s love and grace for us becomes more real, we are able to acknowledge guilt and responsibility because our sense of value and worth is based on the permanence of His love and grace, and not on our inconsistent selves or others varying words or actions.

If you are a Black & White Thinker, please consider how you have dealt with the negative emotions of rejection, hurt, grief or abandonment.  Have you allowed yourself to feel them and work through them, or have you simplified the emotions into anger or ignored them entirely?   Are you able to take responsibility for your actions alone and seek forgiveness for them, or do you blame-shift, justify, or refuse any guilt for words or actions you have expressed?  If so, please also consider that God made you to be both a physical being, spiritual being, and emotional being.  Working through painful emotions is a sign of maturity, and admitting fault or blame does not change your worth or value (it is actually acting in obedience to Christ!) and may even bring you closer to family members.

 

*At times, negative feelings of hurt, rejection, grief and abandonment filter into the one emotion that is acknowledged and deemed acceptable: anger.  Anger can be a lightning rod of emotions where the negative emotions are simplified in the expression of anger.  In such situations, physical confrontations or emotional abuse may not be far behind…

For More on Black & White Thinkers:

The Black & White Thinker: An Introduction

The Black & White Thinker: An Introduction (Part 2)

Black & White Thinking Through a Biblical Lens

Grace & the Black & White Thinker

The Black & White Thinking Christian

Is Black & White Thinking a Mental Illness?

Black & White Thinking in Depression

When Black & White Thinking is Ruled by Pride

Black & White Thinking in Anxiety

Black & White Thinking in Relationships: Men & Women

Black & White Thinking in Anger

Emotions & the Black & White Thinker


Is it Right or Wrong?

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JLUgraffiti

While driving down the highways, perhaps you’ve come across “Christian vandalism” that has sayings like, “Jesus Saves” or “Jesus Loves U” spray painted on the side of a bridge or a wall of rock.  I always wonder what they were thinking when they did that.  Why would someone break the law to share a message that, although important, shows people that Christians do not respect the law?  Does the end truly justify the means?  Perhaps the Christian vandals believed what was good (or better) was the message, therefore they declared their vandalism, which is legally wrong, was right.  This leads me to the passage of Scripture (Isa 5:20) that states, “Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; Who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter!”  How easy it is to excuse or justify actions and call them good when they have already been defined as bad (or evil).

How does evil become good and good become evil?  How does wrong become right, and right become wrong?  How does this exchange of morals happen in our lives?  Let me give a few thoughts as to how this happens:

  1. Acceptance of Rationalizing, Justifying & Blaming:  When we rationalize, we minimize the seriousness of ours and other’s actions.  “Oh, he was just tired,” “It’s no big deal.  Others have done worse,” “I wouldn’t have done it if you didn’t do that,” “She made me angry!”“He deserved it!”  “God wants me to be happy, so it’s OK that I leave my spouse.” All of these are rationalizations justifying ourselves or other’s actions, and we accept them as excuses.  When we rationalize, justify, blame, or excuse our actions, we proclaim our actions are “better than” others’ actions, or we declare our actions are acceptable.  As we believe our own rationalizations and justifications, we begin to declare our actions as morally good. It’s OK to break the law and spray paint “Jesus Loves You” on another’s property because maybe somebody will get saved.  It’s OK to personally tear down a public statue because it represented something I never believed in.  It’s right to be rude to people who don’t agree with me because they are dumb.  Sometimes it doesn’t take long to convince ourselves into doing something we know may be wrong for something we believe is right.  Eventually, however, we’ll actually believe our actions are right because our cause is right, too.
  2. Defining what is “Good” and “Evil”:  Who defines what is “good” or what is “evil”? If what is “good” and what is “evil” is simply defined by God, we have a starting point of discussion and interpretation.  If we define what “good” or “evil” is, not God, then our definition of “good” or “evil” must be suspect as we are imperfect & flawed beings due to our sinful or selfish natures.  Since we are not All-Knowing, our perspectives are based on our own experiences, perceptions, and assumptions. We may act on what seems to be right / best for us, but that may not be right / best for others or right / good according to God.  If we can’t agree on what is good, and defining good is subjective (we define our own good), then we will be more likely to stray and turn from what God has defined as evil as good, and vice versa.  Why? Because we’ll be guided by our seared consciences, selfish tendencies, misguided assumptions and interpretations, and personal experiences.  We call evil good and good evil because we’ve redefined these words and decided to trust ourselves and not Him.  In Mark 10:18, Jesus states that “no one is good, but God.”  If that is the case (and I believe it is), then only one who is truly Good can truly define good, not ones who are tainted by sin.
  3. Interpretive Lens: As stated in former blogs on Black & White Thinking: An Introduction (Part 1 and Part 2), our interpretive lenses play a significant role in defining what is right and wrong.  For example, in our political climate, we see how both Republicans and Democrats are guided by what they think is good and right. On one hand, many Republicans are presently guided by following the law, constitution, and following processes and procedures to make laws (consider DACA and immigration – illegal aliens are “illegal”, and congress must change laws, not the president).  Following the laws is what is good and right and best.  Many Democrats are presently guided by hearts of compassion for immigrants and their families. Compassion, love, and sympathy for the suffering is what is good and right and best.  Although this brief explanation is somewhat simplified, both parties (and individuals) act according to what they believe is good, right, or best.  Each side has strengths and weaknesses, but our interpretive lenses (law, black & white thinking, concrete issues/concepts vs compassion, empathy, abstract issues/concepts) play a significant role in what we determine is right or wrong.  Being created in His image means that we have the capacity for both (as He is both law-giver and merciful), but we tend to lean more towards one than the other.   Micah 6:8 gives us a great reminder of what we need to do that is good: He has shown you, O mortal, what is goodAnd what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”  Both are good, according to God, but we must tread humbly as we discern what is best.

How do you define what is “good and right” versus what is “bad and wrong”?  Would you stand on your own definitions, those of the culture or society, or on God’s definitions?  Do you personally lean towards following laws or standards as good and right or on following your feelings as good and right? Or perhaps being compassionate is right and following laws are therefore wrong?

Many of the conflicts in American society and politics, from kneeling or standing for the anthem or issues such as DACA and building walls, come down to how we align ourselves in determining what is good/right from what is bad/wrong.  As believers, we certainly do need humility and discernment to listen to opposing views and to treat one another with respect and dignity despite any differences.  And perhaps there will, at times, not be a choice between what is right & good versus what is wrong & bad, but instead about what is “better or best.”  One day, perhaps very near for us in America or here already in other countries, there will need to be a choice between obedience to the law (which is largely good) versus obedience to God (which is always good).  We will need to discern and choose the best option, which is to follow God over worldly authorities.  Until that time comes, let’s make sure that the good we believe and know is the good that comes from God alone, and is not defined by culture or by ourselves.

 


Black & White Thinking in Relationships: Help! I’m Married to a Black & White Thinker

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Couple after quarrel

Marriage is both a beautiful picture of the greater marriage between Christ and the Church, and it is a complicated mess because of our sins, differences and other struggles.  As most people would probably agree, we choose people who are a bit different than ourselves.  They possess traits we don’t possess and they can complement our weaknesses or strengths.  One of these differences include our interpretive lenses.  One person in the relationship tends to be more Relational, while the other person tends to be more black & white.  The thinking that once endeared a Relational person to the Black & White Thinker (i.e. concrete, thinking clearly and actual, straight talking, confident, etc.) soon becomes more of a weakness, as the Relational was looking for, well, a close relationship, something with whom some B&W Thinkers struggle.  The more Black & White Thinking that is present, the more difficult relationships will be.

FIRST THINGS FIRST:

Let’s start with a brief recap/summary of Black & White ThinkersBlack & White Thinkers interpret and think in “right and wrong,” often making judgments about something or someone.  Emotions exist, but they typically see feelings and emotions as either irrelevant to what is right or wrong (i.e. you are to obey the 10 Commandments, it is irrelevant how you feel about it) or, at minimum, subordinate to what is right or wrong.  Negative emotions are also difficult to process and feel because they are abstract concepts, so they are to be avoided (when it comes to all or nothing, nothing is preferred).  Black & White Thinkers typically operate on an action/works/fruit level and look at rewards and consequences as these are all concrete and tangible.  Relational concepts, such as mercy, grace, compassion, empathy, and sympathy are difficult to grasp.  Women who are Black & White Thinkers tend to be more open to emotions and give more credence to relational skills of sympathy and empathy than Black & White Thinking men.

So, in light of all these Black & White Thinking observations, here are some things to keep in mind when married to a Black & White Thinker:

EXPECTATIONS

If you’re more Relational, it’s important to know that Black & White Thinkers are not like you and nor should they be expected to be like you.  They will process things differently, and they may struggle with loving you, but not because of you.   The more black & white they are, the less they may be able to understand the nuances of relationship dynamics or emotions of their spouses or children (it’s a completely different operating system!). If they seek to do better in relationships, they may be able to understand relationship rules (if someone is doing A, you do B in response, but it is not natural).  Unfortunately, the Black & White Thinker may not see or understand the emotional impact of their actions upon their spouse or children, but those who are humble can learn what to do if they do wrong and work to improve relationships.

LOVE

Relational Thinkers tend to show their love for their spouse based on emotions and feelings.  Because they are feeling the love, or feel like loving, Relational Thinkers express love.  Love expressed by Black & White Thinkers tends to be less of the emotional heart connection, but is often expressed more tangibly.  The actions of love may be more like acts of service, such as taking care of your car, doing projects around the house you want done, taking you out to dinner, etc. Their loving actions may not be driven by the feelings of love, but by doing what spouses should do when they love someone.  This is similar to Black & White Thinkers loving God:  For Black & White Thinkers, loving God flows out of obedience (driven by what is right and good) and, I believe, it is accepted by God as love. For Relational Thinkers, loving God flows from a heart that is full of love and gratitude (emotionally driven).  Neither are bad nor is one better than the other.  They are different. If your spouse loves you because it is good, right, and it pleases you, then you can learn to accept it as expressed, and certainly it is OK to push and teach other ways as well. Also keep in mind that they may not speak your love language or be emotionally vulnerable with you or emotionally available to you.  This does not mean they don’t love you, but they may express it through doing things for you, as opposed to identifying with your emotions and connecting with you at the heart level as you desire.  You may need to draw nearer to God and find other people of the same sex to connect with emotionally.

CONFLICT

Conflict, in itself, is often difficult.  At times, conflict occurs when determining what is right and what is wrong.  But when there is conflict between a Relational Person & a Black & White Thinker, both people are looking at the conflict from different perspectives.  What is “right” for a Relational person means you should be considerate of the feelings and emotions of the person, placing the relationship as priority.  What is “right” in the Black & White Thinker’s mind may be what is according to the written law, rule, standard, or expectation (the letter of the law).  If you break the rule or don’t meet the expectation, punishment or consequences must be enforced.  In both situations, the presence of pride and selfishness may also mean that whatever is “right” may be defined by personal desires that have turned into demands.  A Relational person may argue, “You need to give the kids a break from doing their chores!  You’re a tyrant!”  A Black & White Thinker may argue, “You can’t let the kids off the hook from doing what they should be doing.  They need to be responsible and you’re too soft!”  Teaching responsibility is very important, and showing grace and mercy to them is also important in order to have a relationship that is not built solely on works.  At times it will be better to consider the relationship over being in the right.  At times we will need to be in the right and not be concerned with others’ feelings.  Working together to discern what to do when is of utmost importance as too much of either side will cause damage to the relationship and the outcome.

WARNINGS

When pride (self-centeredness) reigns in a Black & White Thinker’s life, the marriage cannot be healthy.  Genuine reconciliation becomes impossible (“I’m not perfect” is not an acknowledgement of wrong), genuine love is never given, and mutuality is non-existent. When the focus of the Black & White Thinker is on self and not on what is good for others, then they will likely try to control others with their anger, so that they do what he or she thinks is best.  This obviously ruins relationships. When this occurs, the marriage is emotionally destructive.  In this case, it would be wise to seek help from a wise Christian Counselor.

Pride (self-centeredness) is always present as long as we have a sin-nature inside of us. So we do not need to be afraid of the pride, only be humble enough to address it and seek after God’s heart so that He reigns in our hearts, and not our pride.

HOPE

There are many Relational Thinkers who married Black & White Thinkers. Yet as both recognize the differences and strengths in the other, you can humbly work together to work through them.  And even if one is not willing to work, help is not too far away.  IT IS POSSIBLE FOR SOMEONE TO CHANGE if they want to change.  For some, it means a crisis is necessary (I heard rock bottom is a good foundation to build on!).  For others, it is simply a sit down conversation stating that you are upset with the status quo and things need to change.  For those who are not at that point of crisis, the change may simply need to be minor changes in yourself, expectations, and educating yourself about the differences. Then accepting and appreciating what God has given you to help you become more like Him, a spouse who is a Black & White Thinker.

Remember, even though God is Relational, God is also Black & White.  While we are all created in His image, reflecting different aspects of Him is a good thing, and working together to reflect Him as one is also good…challenging…but good.  I hope this will help you understand your spouse just a little better and will challenge you to accept certain aspects of his or her interpretive lens & thinking as a strength, and not a weakness or incompetence.  🙂

For more on Black & White Thinking in Relationships, consider the following:

Black & White Thinkers vs Relational Thinkers (an Introduction)

Black & White vs Relational Thinkers: An Introduction (Part 2)

Black & White Thinking in Relationships: Differences in Men & Women

Insecurity and Black & White Thinkers

Emotions and the Black & White Thinker

When Black & White Thinking is Ruled by Pride


Hollywood & Harassment

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Image result for hollywood sign

Allegations of sexual harassment, rape, and molestation are being highlighted in Hollywood these past few weeks.  It seems like every day someone is coming out with an allegation against some director, actor, or writer.  Power and prestige have provided opportunities for some to take advantage of, manipulate, and force their wills upon others whom have trusted, admired or sought help.  Some actors and actresses are finally speaking up against such behaviors and it seems that previous tolerance to these behaviors has reached it’s limit (or has at least lowered).  It would seem that the best way many use to address such behaviors is to publicly out and shame the person for their alleged actions.  Perhaps they had once filed a complaint with supervisors or the police and it wasn’t taken seriously.  Yet once it reached the media, it becomes more serious and actions are finally made by the companies in order to save face.  Of course, this is not only is occurring in Hollywood, but we see it in the political world (Moore, Franken, etc.) and even in the church when church leaders  are caught taking advantage of parishioners or leading secret lives of sexual sin (Tchividjian, Haggard).  So what can we glean from such acts or accusations?  How do we process these biblically?  Let me give a few thoughts:

Consider the Heart

“For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matt 15:19 NIV).  These shameful acts from sexual harassment to rape show us the dangers of when we allow idols of power or sexual pleasure to reign in the hearts.  Our self-centerdness (sin-nature) and focus on our own personal pleasure lead to actions that de-value other human beings as being our servants or slaves to do our bidding.  This may start off as fantasy, but eventually it becomes reality as it marinates in our hearts, permeates in our thought lives, and penetrates into our actions.  This is the danger for all of us!  No one is exempt from this!  Considering how Hollywood films are filled with sexual scenes, innuendos, and themes, these accusations can’t really surprise us as many films and TV shows reflect the realities of people’s hearts. Since we live out of our hearts, we ought to reflect on our own hearts and what idols we are allowing to reign, so that we can seek His forgiveness and follow His reign.  When we do so, we do not look at others as our servants, but instead serve them.  Failure to do so may indeed result in a public embarrassment, and even worse, hurts the heart of God.  This is why God sent His Son for us, to free us from our ruling heart’s desires that lead to sin.

Darkness is Exposed by the Light

“But everything exposed by the light becomes visible”  (Eph 5:13 NIV).  When living in darkness, darkness becomes normal.  Yet darkness is deceiving because it doesn’t show what really is.  We are, in a sense, blind.  Spiritually speaking, we are even blind to our own blindness.  We can’t see that we can’t see.  We can’t see how we are ruled by our sin nature.  We fail to see how we our enslaved to our sin, but instead believe our enslavement is actually freedom.  Freedom to do as we wish. Freedom to experience pleasure.  Freedom to use others for our gratification.  Freedom to ____________ (fill in the blank).  Many believe that the Christian is enslaved to a dull and boring life, but it is they who may be enslaved to idols they must obey.  The darkness is deceiving, but when light is shed on it, we see things more for how they are.  And if we are humble, we may even see ourselves as slaves in need of real freedom through the light of Christ.  When darkness is exposed by light and truth, we need not be shocked at what the light and truth reveals, but only praise God for exposing the darkness.

Withhold Judgement

“The first to plead his case seems right, Until another comes and examines him” (Prov 18:17 NASB).  When accusations are made, we assume the accuser is right and just, and the accused is wrong and evil.  The accusations may indeed be true, but they may not be.  Obviously, the more who accuse the person of wrongful acts, the more we question the accused (Think Bill Cosby & Judge Moore).  Prov 18:17 tells us to be wary and withhold our judgment until we hear cross-examination.  Those who cross-examine are trained to find holes in stories and can bring doubt upon the accusations. Typically, this is done when there has been more research and question the motives of the accuser as well.    In today’s social media climate, public perception is the weapon used against people.  A simple accusation becoming public will likely have a significant effect on the person, because reputation is important.  Withholding judgment until there has been evidence, eye witness accounts, and additional investigation would be wise in all situations.

It’s important that Believers not believe everything that is put in front of us, especially if it includes unfounded accusations and negative press.  We are told in Scriptures to be wise in discerning, and also not to be involved in gossip, which is spreading such false information (even if that includes sharing it on facebook!).  Certainly we can be saddened about such accusations, whether they are true or not, and we can sympathize with those who have been harassed or abused, but we need to fall shy of declaring judgment upon them quickly.  Additionally, it is wise to consider our own hearts and our own need for a Savior.  Only when we live in light, will the light of Christ shine brightest in us.

What other Biblical advice would be appropriate in regards to accusations and Hollywood & Harassments?

Self-Control Starts Here…

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marshmallowtest

Watching the news (or scrolling online for news), we continue to see accusations about sexual harassment and impropriety by politicians, news icons, actors, and athletes.  I had previously written about some of those incidents and thoughts to ponder (Hollywood & Harassment), but today I wanted to focus at one other Scriptural insight that we ought to consider: self-control.

I’ve always been amused by Paul’s instructions to Titus in Titus 2.  He gives a list of what to teach the older and younger men and women.  To older women, teach them “to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good.”  To younger women, teach them to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands.”  Paul instructs Titus to teach older men “to be temperate, worthy of respect, self-controlled, and sound in faith, in love and in endurance.”  But to the young men, he simply says to teach them one thing: self-control.”  The older women, men, and younger women get a handful of things to learn, but young men only get one simple instruction. Young men need to learn how to be self-controlled.  Maybe Paul knows that is all young men can handle.  Keep it simple and focused.  Young men: Control yourselves. 

Leaky Hearts

To be fair, self-control isn’t simply what must be learned by young men alone, but by everyone (though not specifically mentioned with older women, it is implied).  Paul is sharing this instruction because he knows that when the ruling desires and insecurities in our hearts grow, we can be “out of control.”  When our passions and “needs” rule our hearts and become great, our self-control becomes small.  In other words, whatever we think about, fantasize about (acting upon our thoughts and desires in our thought lives), and dwell on will eventually leak out of our hearts and into words and actions.  Perhaps, at first, the out of our heart leaks consist of an occasional comment under our breaths or private actions, but eventually the dripping leak becomes a flowing stream or river, overflowing into every part of our lives.  If we want to be serious about self control, we must be serious about addressing our heart desires and demands.

Decisions, Decisions…

Self-control is not simply about what rules the heart, but also about making wise decisions.  Here are two simple considerations in decision making and self-control:

1) Self control is about choosing what is good, right, wise & best over what is pleasurable.  I’m reminded of a sermon by Andy Stanley who simply asked this question: “What would a wise person do?”  Others have asked, “What would Jesus do?”  Self-control is often about denying our wants and desires for what God wants…which is what is good, right, wise and best.  Not only do we need to choose what is good, right, wise and best, but we also must consider when to do so.

2) Self Control is about choosing to delay gratification rather than instant gratification. 

Are you a saver or a spender?  Do you make choices to buy things on impulse or do you think about things first?  Instant gratification is simply this: I want it and I’m either getting it or doing it right now.  There was a study done in the 1960’s & 1970’s on young children and they asked them to choose, they can eat one marshmallow now, or wait 15 minutes, and then they’ll be able to have a special treat.  The study, which followed the students many years, determined that those who delayed gratification were more successful than those who chose instant gratification (for more on the study, click here).  Denying ourselves often means to delay gratification, especially as our rewards are in heaven through Christ (He is our reward!).

You’re Not Alone & First Steps

We can’t talk about self-control without mentioning Galatians 5:23: “The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”  It is the Spirit’s work (fruit) inside of you that produces self-control.  The Spirit’s work is not simply in the decision-making process, but the Spirit helps to change self-guided, ruling heart’s desires into desires that honor God.  In cooperating and communicating with the Spirit, our prayers are best when they go beyond a statement of “God help me” (though we need that) as it is a bit too general, but we need to be more specific and address what really needs changing, the heart.  Here is an example: “God, please forgive me for following my own heart’s desires and not yours.  Please change my heart and help me to desire what you desire.”  Afterwards, plan your time with Him, pursuing Him, seeking counsel, reading His Word, and being involved in His community.  All of these are important as God used all of these in the process of changing hearts.

When Paul wrote to Titus about teaching self-control to, well, everyone, it is because this is an area in our lives where we all struggle.  From impulsive decisions of purchasing, to eating too much over the holidays, or to sexual perversions that we’ve recently been bombarded with in the media, self-control is necessary for all of us.  Yet when we seek after Him, and His help, guidance, and power, we grow in self-control as our hearts are changed through His Spirit.  And when we seek outside support through accountability groups or counseling, we are moving forward.

Let the news we hear be warnings to all of us to guard our hearts, for they are indeed the wellspring of life (Prov 4:23).

The Black & White Thinking Leader

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leader

Leaders come in all shapes, sizes, and personalities.  If you can think back through all the leaders you’ve been under, whether in church or in employment, or even instructing you as teachers, you’ll find that there are strengths and weaknesses with all of them.  Some leaders or teachers you liked.  Some you would like to forget.  Some are more personable and caring, while others were more concerned with production and processes.  Which type of leader did you respect the most?  Enjoy the most? Or was most effective as a leader?

Black & White Thinking Leaders are typically those who value processes and production over the individual concerns of the people.  That’s not to say people are not valued, but they are more valued because of what they do, not who they are as a person.  People are valued in that they are the workers who produce work and meet standards, though personal feelings and concerns may be ignored or dismissed.  Those who produce more are valued greater and respected more than those who produce less or do not produce at all.  If the concrete items of production, attendance, or other standard is subpar, they are seen as “doing the wrong thing,” failing, or they may be dismissed altogether.

I can recall that my 4th grade teacher greatly valued hard work, responsibility and follow-through.  Although I did my homework regularly, I sometimes forgot it at home.  As I did this a few times, she would be annoyed and took to calling me “Forgetful Fred” with a frown and a shake of the head showing her disappointment.  She obviously valued completed and turned in work over any hurt feelings.  Yet my 6th grade teacher was the opposite (a Relational Leader).  She would choose to give encouragement and showed that she valued the person more than she did the production.  The production, of course, was not ignored, but her concern was more for the person.  Any lack of production meant there was something wrong with the person, and she set out to encourage the person and get to know them better.  The result was often better production.  She was my favorite teacher (Thank you, Mrs. Crumb!).  To put it succinctly, Black & White Thinking Leaders value the production over the person, while Relational Thinking Leaders typically value the person over the production.

Black & White Thinking Leaders have several strengths.  One of the purposes of leading an organization or church is to accomplish the mission, or produce what is guided by the vision.  Since the Black & White Thinker focuses on the tangible, that is, what is produced, they are often driven to achieve success and to measure it accordingly.  If you produce items, success is measured by the item count and sales.  If the goal is to grow a larger church, success is measured in numbers and giving (though many would rightfully say growth of a church is measured in spiritual maturity, we can’t ignore the numbers either).  If the goal is to teach students, the measurement is getting the best grades.  It is healthy to have deadlines and goals to reach, and to have someone lead the charge in order to achieve these goals.  Black & White Thinking leaders are typically effective at achieving goals, though they may step on people’s toes and feelings in the process.

Black & White Thinking Leaders are also concerned with the processes.  Processes must be accomplished the right way (as opposed to the wrong way).  If it’s not done the right way, it is wrong and therefore must be considered wrong, unbiblical, or unethical.  For example, while counseling those in conflict within the church, I have seen situations where the Matthew 18 process of conflict resolution (first go to the individual, second, if unresolved bring a friend, then if still unresolved, tell it to the church) was not followed to the letter.  Maybe a step was skipped, or bringing a friend was really telling the pastor or a spouse, which may not “count” in some people’s eyes, etc.  Anyways it gets messy and it is not always as easy as following the Matthew 18 steps.  But because the letter of the word was not followed to a “T”, concerns were not being addressed, feelings hurt, and the Black & White Thinking leader is upset because the process was not correct.  To some Black & White Thinking Pastors, the issue became about the process and the actual issue that was brought up is secondary.  Sometimes, the first issue is never resolved because the Black & White Thinking Pastor is so stuck on doing things the right way that they are not able or willing to address the wronged.

Within an organization, the Black & White Thinking Leader overseeing processes will see the written processes as being the right way and any deviation from them need to be corrected.  Organizations love these types of leaders because they will help reduce lawsuits or workplace accidents, thus helping the organization to save money and reduce accidents.  However, if the focus is simply on the process being right, there may not be room to create new and better processes (“Old way is the way it should be done!”) and if not handled well, friction between the Black & White Thinking Leader and another employee may become frigid.

In summary, Black & White Thinking Leaders, Pastors, and Teachers are certainly needed in order to meet goals, achieve success, and get things done well.  Many have been successful in businesses, as teachers, and in churches as well.  However the more Black & White Thinking one may be, the less Relational they are, which means that many employees, students, or church members may have been hurt while under the tutelage of the Leader.  The most successful and well-liked Black & White Thinking Leaders are those that have demonstrated the relational skills of compassion, empathy, mercy and grace.

For more on Black & White Thinking Series, click below:

Black & White Thinkers vs Relational Thinkers (an Introduction)

Black & White vs Relational Thinkers: An Introduction (Part 2)

The Black & White Thinking Christian

When Black & White Thinking is Ruled by Pride

Emotions and the Black & White Thinker

Black & White Thinking – A Mental Illness?

Black & White Thinking Through a Biblical Lens

Grace & the Black & White Thinker

Black & White Thinking in Anger

Black & White Thinking in Depression

Black & White Thinking in Anxiety

Black & White Thinking in Relationships: Help! I’m Married to a Black & White Thinker

Insecurity and Black & White Thinkers

Black & White Thinking in Relationships: Differences in Men & Women

 

 

 

Help! I’m a Black & White Thinker and My Marriage is In Trouble!

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Help!  I’m a Black & White Thinker and my marriage is in trouble!  Those who are more severe in their Black & White Thinking often struggle in relationships.  They have a significant desire for successful relationships, but struggle due to the difficulty to understand and speak “relationally.”  A successful marriage, in many Black & White Thinkers’ minds, is where both partners do what they’re supposed to be doing.  Yet, many Black & White Thinkers marry someone who has a different idea of what a successful marriage looks like.  If you’re a Black & White Thinker married to Relational Thinker, here are a few tips to help you in your marriage:

Get Rid of Anger

Anger, which often is a secondary emotion, is the emotion that many Black & White Thinkers are most comfortable expressing, yet it is also the # 1 intimacy buster in a relationship.  Expectations and standards for the other person often provide the fuel for such anger when they are unmet.  Harsh words, criticisms, complaints, and verbally and physically expressed anger will harm a person so much emotionally that relationships often succumb to anger’s oppression.  If you want your marriage to improve, the anger expressed has to be significantly less, and the anger inside has to be put to death (click here for more on anger).  In order to get rid of the anger, the primary emotions under the anger need to be explored and addressed, and the expectations and standards need to be challenged.

Intimacy Over Actions

Emotions and feelings are abstract and therefore difficult to grasp for many Black & White Thinkers, yet they are absolutely necessary to acknowledge and even feel.  To have a better relationship with your Relational spouse, emotions of sadness or hurt cannot be covered up or funneled into anger, but ought to be worked through and talked about.  Your Relational spouse most likely will not connect with you through your works, but through knowing your emotions and feelings, and you knowing theirs.  Relational spouses desire couple intimacy (into-me-see) over couple efficiency (working well together).  If you want a better marriage with a relational spouse, you’ll need to understand yourself better so that you can share this part of yourself with your spouse.  Of course, in order to do this, it will require weakness and vulnerability (2 very attractive qualities to a Relational spouse).

Shift Tactics: Be Vulnerable

Since the Operating System of the Black & White Thinker is “All or Nothing”, “Right or Wrong”, etc., Black & White Thinkers ought to acknowledge that their thinking does not work well for the intimacy that is needed by their spouse.  They will often love their spouses by doing things around the house, chores, or other projects to make their spouse happy.  Even though these things may be appreciated, they often miss the mark.  Additionally, Black & White Thinkers will complain or criticize the Relational person for being a perfectionist or unable to please.  He  may think, “If my spouse is annoyed, they’re annoyed at me because I did something wrong.  I try to do what she wants, but she is still annoyed.  I can’t do anything right in her eyes.”  If this is the case, your love may be expressed in actions, but the intimacy that is desired by a Relational spouse is hardly ever achieved through acts of service, but more through heart connection.  And the heart connection is made when you are vulnerable.  Self-reflect and identify your fears, sorrows, and desires. Then share them.  Equally important is this: seek to know and understand theirs to the best of your ability and acknowledge them.  If the Black & White Thinker can recognize that this shift  in approach is needed, and that the acts of service is ineffective for intimacy (but good to show love, so don’t stop!), then a good step towards a better relationship with your spouse is being made.

SEEK WISDOM ABOVE ALL ELSE

Black & White Thinkers often think moralistically, meaning they see things as right and wrong or good and bad.  They generally interpret actions, words and situations as right or wrong.  My challenge to Black & White Thinkers is this, challenge your own thinking.  Instead of declaring or judging actions and words as “right or wrong,” or “good or bad,” try taking a step back and asking yourself this:  What is wise? What would a wise person do or say?  How would a wise person respond?  Ultimately, this is another way of asking the cliché question, “What would Jesus do?” as Jesus is the wisdom of God (I Cor 1:24).  When considering how Jesus responded to the adulterous woman (John 8), Jesus did not respond immediately declaring what was right and wrong, but instead pondered his reply.  Without condemning the woman, Jesus responded mercifully to her while acknowledging right and wrong at the same time.  Additionally, he helped communicate to everyone ready to judge that they have their own sins to worry about.  True wisdom is not simply declaring right or wrong, but considers the relational qualities of mercy and grace for the person as well.  

BECOMING LIKE JESUS

As Black & White Thinkers think mostly in “right & wrong” and “good & bad,” the importance of meeting laws, standards, and expectations are paramount.  Yet without the addition of Relational components, such as grace, mercy, compassion, kindness, and empathy… relationships will suffer.  Jesus, who also knew of right and wrong and good and bad, was also full of grace.  He did not come to “abolish the law” (what was right and wrong), but to fulfill it.  He fulfilled the law by being perfectly obedient to the law, yet he loved and valued people fully also.  Jesus in the Gospels is not only the model for Black & White Thinkers, but he is the Savior of Black & White Thinkers.  God desires to conform us to the likeness of Christ (Rom 8:29), and for Black & White Thinkers, this is the goal that is necessary for us to join.  In order to become like Christ, we must confess our sinfulness, recognize our need for Christ, and cooperate with the Holy Spirit to grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ (2 Pet 3:18).  In other words, the process of becoming more Relational (and therefore to have successful relationships) is to become more like Jesus, to love like Jesus, and to value others like Jesus.  As we do so, our marriages change.

The definition of insanity is to repeat the same thing while expecting different results.  Not all marriages will not change if we simply try harder, but many change when we try differently.  If you are a Black & White Thinker, seriously consider getting rid of your anger, seeking heart connection (intimacy) over actions, being humble and vulnerable, and cooperating with the Holy Spirit to gain the Relational qualities of Jesus.  If you strive in doing these things, your marriages are bound to improve.  And if you need help, give us a call (877-414-HOPE)!

Help! I’m Married to a Black & White Thinker

Insecurity and Black & White Thinkers

Emotions and the Black & White Thinker

Black & White Thinking in Relationships: Differences in Men & Women

The Black & White Thinking Christian

When Black & White Thinking is Ruled by Pride

Black & White vs Relational Thinkers: An Introduction (Part 2)

Black & White Thinkers vs Relational Thinkers (an Introduction)


For Christ’s Sake!

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“For Christ’s Sake!”

This phrase is often said in disgust, anger, or is used almost meaninglessly in discussions.  Christ’s name is used, but isn’t really considered because if it were, this phrase wouldn’t be used.  Not too long ago I was meditating on Philippians 3 and simply needed to stop at verse 7.

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.

There is so much in this verse and in the few verses that follow, I wanted to share some thoughts about gains and losses for the sake of Christ.

GAINS

What do we consider gains?  I’ve narrowed down “gains” to three types: physical gains, pleasure gains, and people gains.

  1. Physical Gains

    Physical Gains are essentially any thing (item or object) that is primarily for our benefit.  Others may get some form of benefit, too, but it is primarily for us.  These can include financial gains (income) or property gains (items or actual property), etc.  Physical gains includes things that are tangible or physical.

  2. Pleasure Gains

    Pleasure Gains are more about receiving personal pleasure or “highs” from something.  This can include getting highs from drugs, viewing pornography or other sexual acts, or at minimum, receiving escape (as opposed to highs) from either substances or through entertainment (TV, web, games, Netflix, etc.).  Overall, one would receive an emotional gain or feeling from the pleasure.

  3. People Gains

    People Gains are about receiving praise, glory, acceptance, etc. from other people.  This has more to do with how others see us, and eventually how we feel about ourselves, our worth and identity.

All of these “gains” are things that are for our benefit in one way or another, even if in the end they bite us.  Some may be sinful gains, but other gains may be things we simply enjoy.  At times, these “gains” can act as escapes from emotional hurt or rejection or fuel to move more forward until they need the next high.  But whatever the gain is, we often place it in higher in importance (possibly as an idol) than what God desires.  Whatever the gain, as Paul states, we now ought to consider them “loss.”

LOSS / GARBAGE

What does it mean to lose something?  Not just a temporary loss, but a permanent loss?  Typically, if we lose something, we do so accidentally and then do our best to find it.  We hope it is only a temporary loss.  To consider something loss, however, is to lose it permanently, never to be found or picked up again.  Since it is “considered” loss, this means that although it may be around us, we are to no longer think, dwell, or desire them in our hearts, heads, or hands.  It is to be considered gone forever.  Paul continues in his letter to the Philippians 3 to not only “consider it loss”, but to “consider it garbage.”  What is garbage but waste we no longer have use for.  Whatever was once treasured is to be devalued in the heart and mind to the level of garbage or rubbish, while Christ is to be raised in value and importance.  And why do we do this?  For Christ’s sake!

FOR THE SAKE OF CHRIST

This phrase answers the questions “why?” and “who?”.  Why would we possibly consider a gain a loss?  Who do we do this for?  Both are answered, “For Christ’s sake.”  When we gain, we gain for us.  When we lose what was formally a gain, we do it for Christ.  We do it for him because He is greater than me (He>me).  This is similar to the verse that we must “deny ourselves, pick up your cross and follow him” (Mt 16:24).

One of the popular songs in the early 90’s was “Everything I Do, I’d Do It For You” by Bryan Adams.  Though I would doubt that everything we do is for someone else, the sentiment of doing something for someone else’s sake is what love entails.  Doing something for another’s sake is to place a high value on them, essentially stating that they are worth our energy, efforts, and time.  When tempted for personal gains, we may very well need to remind ourselves to do the right thing for the right reason: for Christ’s sake.  We may need to remind ourselves because doing things for ourselves (for my sake) is so natural, yet being conscious of Christ and valuing Christ in our everyday decision to gain for self or lose for Christ is essential in overcoming sin.

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.

Not all gains are bad.  Many gains are actually blessings from God, such as jobs, income, relationships, etc.  Paul is referring to the things of this life (personal, pleasure, people gains) that we either turn to, spend time in, or sinfully do that gets in the way of our relationship with Christ.  If we are to truly love the Lord with all our hearts, mind, and strength and love our neighbors as ourselves (Lk 10:27), we need undivided hearts (Ps 86:11).  In our natural sinful state, our hearts are bent toward selfish gains.  In our spiritual state through Christ, our hearts are bent toward Him.  Yet as both exist, there is a continuous war waging in our hearts and souls (Rom 7, 8), and we need the constant reminders, challenges, and insights to help us rid ourselves of sin and turn ourselves over fully to Christ, for Christ’s sake! 

Coping with Christ

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I am convinced that we, as Americans, have a coping problem.  We don’t cope well with the difficult situations, problems, and feelings we have. We simply don’t want to feel them because they are unpleasant and painful.  Ask yourself, What do you do when you are hurt, depressed, sad, angry, guilty, or ashamed?  For me, my typical coping mechanism is to withdraw, eat sweets, and have some screen time.

A few months ago, I had the opportunity to speak at the Honey Lake Clinic, a Christian rehab center outside Tallahassee, Florida.  While I presented information, I also had the opportunity to witness another speaker perform an exercise with the patients that simply allowed them to feel the pain they’ve been feeling for many years.  The patients were given instructions and had support and encouragement of the other patients.  Counselors were available throughout their stay to help process the difficult emotions as well. This exercise, I believe, helped to lead some through the path of healing.  They were encouraged to feel the pain felt from the past and to express it in a safe environment.    These individuals were people who had deep emotions, but found ways to cope with them in life that led to more hurts and problems (i.e. cutting, drugs, alcohol, control, etc.).

I’ve also witnessed in clients (and in myself) the inherent desire to avoid difficult problems and emotions.  Grief. Sorrow. Rejection. Sadness. Fear.  Guilt. Shame. Anger.  All of these emotions are painful to work through because they are emotions that bring us down or they may involve past memories we try to forget.  So how do we deal with such painful and difficult emotions?

The two most common way we deal with things are avoidance (ignoring) and mood regulation.

  • Avoidance: If we can avoid the bad feelings by being busy with work or other tasks, we will be successful in getting through the day without feeling those hard feelings.  In today’s screen obsessed society, the increase in avoidance through social media, video gaming, binge watching, and web surfing allow us to keep busy doing well,  nothing.  At times, sleeping can be one of the most used ways to avoid difficult feelings and people, too!  Drinking or using substances can be a means to dull the feelings or distract oneself as well.  In doing any or all of these things, our minds and attention are occupied so we don’t have to think about the bad memories, painful feelings, or difficult people.  And they work!  At least temporarily or until the consequences of such activities become too great.
  •  Mood Regulation: Mood regulation is simply this – regulating our moods.  If we are feeling down, sad, anxious, or simply in a lull, we will do something or ingest something that makes us feel momentarily better.  Typically, this is done to get a high when one is feeling low or perhaps even bored.  Mood Regulation can occur through outside chemicals such as medications, drugs or alcohol, or through increasing the body’s natural chemicals (endorphins) in both healthy and harmful ways.  Healthy activities like running and helping people naturally produce the “feel good” chemicals inside of us, whereas harmful activities such as viewing pornography and cutting may enable people to feel better.  These are more harmful due to the accompanying guilt or shame that typically leaves one in a worse state, adding to the “need” to regulate mood or distract from the guilt or shame (can turn into a cycle).  

Avoiding or regulating our moods only provide temporary relief.  Often, a failure to deal with the difficult emotions result in frequent personal or relational crises and enslavement to substances or activities.  Failure to deal with them will always mean that the individual will remain emotionally stunted in maturity.  The ability to mature emotionally is specifically tied into the ability to work through the difficult emotions.

So what do we need to do with those unpleasant feelings?  We need to “deal with the real and feel so we can heal.”  Emotional pain ought to be taken as serious as physical pain.  When either physical or emotional pain are ignored, there can be serious consequences.  After surgery, we often have to go through the pain of healing and the pain of physical therapy to get to the place where we want to be.  As we go through emotional healing, the path is similar.  We often have to go through the pain in order to get to a better tomorrow.  How do we go through the pain?  We allow it, feel it, and work to understand it. We ask questions of ourselves, others, and God to understand and process past and feelings differently.  We question our perspective of past events and understand events through a biblical and mature lens (often our feelings are determined by how we perceive events, which may not reflect reality).  We often cannot go through this process alone and we may need outside help with this.  Like Physical Therapy, Counseling Therapy may be needed to move forward.

Most people choose not to work through this pain due to two reasons: 1) as discussed, it’s painful and difficult, and 2) fear.  We are afraid that if we begin to feel the pain, we will not be able to come back to “normal” and we will get worse, spinning off into “crazyland.”  In order to prevent this, we often need support and a plan to work through the emotions and experiences of the past.  First, have healthy outlets for your emotions, such as art, exercise, writing, music, poetry, sports, etc. Be ready to use these methods as tools to express feelings, cope, and bring the God-given “feel good” bodily chemicals into action. Second, develop a plan with a friend or counselor how you will work through the emotions as they get more intense.  Can you call them if needed? De-escalating the emotions, instead of turning to a former coping mechanism (like drugs, cutting, entertainment, etc.), will be necessary.  Third, understand that this is not all or nothing.  You can allow yourself to feel the difficult feelings for a time (say 15- 30 minutes), but you can also close yourself off to those feelings until you’re ready to process again. You can actually give yourself permission to feel and permission to stop.

Lastly, and yet most important, understand that your relationship with Christ during this time is important.  He will lead you, guide you, and draw near to you as you draw near to Him.  If we are to “seek Him first” and “cast our cares on him”, we need to place Christ at the center of our coping or recovery.  Instead of coping with a substance or activity, it’s important to “Cope with Christ.”  I know a man who struggles with addictions who uses the slogan, “Turn to the cross, not the crutch.”  When feeling down, tempted, guilty, ashamed, turn to our Loving Savior where there is no condemnation (Rom 8:1), only love.  Interact with Him.  Ask Him difficult questions.  Read Scriptures or books on suffering, and most of all, grow in trust with Him.  The more we understand our own feelings and dedicate our time, focus, and trust in seeking Him, the more we grow and heal.

By continuously using the coping mechanisms we use, we are essentially creating a lifestyle of self-sufficiency apart from Christ.  Yet as we turn to Him in faith continuously, we are developing a new lifestyle by faith.  Emotions have been given by God not to ignore, bury, or take control, but to feel, process, and express.  When we do so wisely, we better reflect the Image of God in us.  My friends, “Deal with the real and feel to heal.”  and do this with help and with Christ.

Happy Wife = Happy Life??

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“Happy wife, happy life.”  This is the common wisdom given to husbands, sometimes by other husbands, and sometime by their wives.  We’ve said it.  Joked about it.  And maybe even tried to live by it.

On the surface, this would seem like good conventional wisdom.  When husbands live to please their wives, their lives will go better due to lower amounts of conflict and having a wife who is “happier.”  Yet when thinking about this more closely, we can find holes in this common wisdom.  If a wife’s happiness is solely decided by her husband’s actions, then there is trouble brewing.  Hearts are never satisfied and selfishness often reigns.

Thankfully, Scripture adds some clarity to the “Happy Wife. Happy Life” counsel.  As a matter of fact, Paul’s instruction to husbands is not to make their wives happy, only to love them well.  Let me give two passages in Ephesians 5 that can help shed some light and direction.

Ephesians 5:25 – “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”  This passage by Paul gives specific instructions for husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church.  Easy peasy (right!).  We can read more about what it means to love our wives this way here, but for now, let’s look at what love is not.  Love is not about the other person’s happiness, but love is what is in the best interest of the other person.  As Jesus loves us (the bride), I think we can all agree that Jesus’ purpose is not to make us happy, but often the result of His love for us is joy.  He does not exist to make us happy and give us all that we want, but Jesus loves us by giving us all we truly need, himself.  If you are caught up on giving your wife everything she wants, you are spoiling her, raising her expectations, and setting yourself up for failure.  Love her well by helping to provide for her, understanding her heart, treating her well, encouraging her, and serving when you are able.  Certainly it is loving to give her things she may want, but her heart is like ours:  Never satisfied unless it’s satisfied in Christ.  If you can’t say “no” to her, then there is an issue in your marriage (in her end, your end, or both) which needs to be addressed.

Ephesians 5:28 – “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”  On the surface, this passage may seem like it’s saying “Happy Wife. Happy Life.”  Yet happiness is never mentioned.  Love is.  Paul, the author, is not stating that the goal for husbands is to love himself (or make himself happy).  He is saying that we ought to love our spouses like we love ourselves (which we automatically do when we take care of our own interests and physical needs). When we love our spouses in this way, we are taking care of, or loving ourselves, because we are one flesh with our spouses.  A mutuality and oneness exists between a husband and wife.  Her body belongs to you and yours to her.  In other words, because you are one, when you love her the result (not the goal) is that you are also loving yourself.

I think most men who live by the common wisdom, “Happy Wife. Happy Life” are good-natured, everyday husbands who are reminding themselves to pay attention and love their wives better.  This is good.  However it is better to remember Paul’s words to love our spouses as Christ loves the church and gave himself up for her.  This is a better picture to follow and leads us to becoming like Christ.  Making our wives happy is too shallow a goal for godly men because happiness is temporary and fleeting.  Loving them as Christ, however, reaches to the innermost needs of our spouses, bringing greater intimacy by reflecting the love of Christ and yourself.  The result of this kind of love can last longer and feel better than happiness.  It will also save a marriage…

 

For more on Similar Topics, click on the links below:

The Happiness Trap

Mawage. Mawage is what bwings us together…today…

Respect in A Godly Marriage

The Foundation of a Godly Marriage

The Blueprints of a Godly Marriage

The Plumbing of a Godly Marriage: Just Say “No” to Poop-Slinging!

The Power of a Godly Marriage

The Heating and Cooling of a Godly Marriage

 

 

Foundations Christian Counseling Services is a 501(c)3 Non-Profit Organization with counseling offices all throughout Northeast, PA and Binghamton, NY.

Click here to check us out online!

 

 

 

The Prodigal Son – An Alternate Ending

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What would have happened had the prodigal son refused his father’s forgiveness?

A Lesson in Accepting Forgiveness

The Parable of the Prodigal Son (Luke 15:11-32) is referred to often in sermons and messages. Tim Keller does a wonderful job in his book titled “Prodigal God,” explaining how the parable was spoken to the Pharisees who were portrayed by the older brother.  The parable ends with the unspoken questions, “What is the older brother going to do when the Father offers both mercy and grace on the undeserving prodigal brother?  Will he join the celebration and rejoice at a repentant brother, or will he remain indignant and feel justified that he is deserving more?  What will the older brother’s response be?”  These questions are left unanswered as it is a challenge Jesus leaves with the Pharisees explaining how God sees the ministry of Jesus.

For the remainder of this blog, I’d like to focus on the younger brother’s response.  When the younger brother came to his senses and returned to the father, the father was eager to restore his relationship to his son.  In love and grace, the father put the ring on the son’s hand, gave him a cloak and sandals, and was going to celebrate by killing the fattened calf.  The son was willing to accept the father’s gifts and we don’t really hear a peep from him after his father interrupts his confession.  My question is this: “What would have happened if the prodigal son decided not to accept his father’s grace and gifts?  What would have happened if the son continued with his initial thoughts, refused his father’s grace and said, ‘No.  I’m not worthy to be your son and the only thing I will accept from you is to be a hired hand'”?  

Let me suggest a few things the returning son would be struggling through:

  1. He would have known he was forgiven by his father, but would not have embraced it.
  2. He would have lived life in the lowness of a servant, instead of freedom as a son; 
  3. There would therefore be a distance between him and the father based on his guilt and shame; and
  4. He would have been like his older brother, living by the law of works (what is deserved) instead of living by grace (what is not deserved).

This “alternate ending” is one that frequently comes up in counseling, because many people live this alternate ending in their lives.  They KNOW God forgives them, yet refuse to embrace the forgiveness and the restoration of the relationship with God because they “don’t deserve it.”  So, instead of forgiveness and freedom, there is constant self-beratement, shame, and guilt that is carried throughout life.  They may say, “I know I am forgiven by God, but I need to forgive myself.”  They think, “I don’t deserve to be forgiven,” so they continue to punish themselves as that is what is deserved, and living the deserved life is living a life of works  where you get what you deserve.

While focusing on the alternative ending, I typically ask, “what would it be like for the younger son to live like a servant versus living as a full son and heir?” Typical responses reflect that the younger son would be more miserable, unhappy, and distant from the father if he did not accept the father’s forgiveness and remained a servant.  But as the young man accepted the forgiveness and reconciliation offered by the dad, the son would more likely be filled with joy, be free of burdens, and have a better relationship with the father. “So,” I ask, “which situation would you rather be in?”  Every person would answer the second option.

Our inability to accept God’s forgiveness leads us to living the Alternate Ending of “The  Prodigal Son.”  Our living by the law of works and punishing ourselves for what we deserve is the reason we remain stuck.  We take our sins seriously (which we ought to do), but fail to take seriously Christ’s death for our sins or the Father’s deep love for us.  Forgiving ourselves is not the answer, yet humbling ourselves to receive and accept His gift of forgiveness and punishment on the cross for the penalty of our sins is.  What about you? Are you stuck in condemnation living the alternate ending of the prodigal son, or will you embrace the forgiveness he offers to you and accept it, even though you, like me, are unworthy of it?

We need the Father’s love and grace.  The path to receiving it is through accepting it.  We can never earn it.  We can not buy it.  We don’t deserve it.  But it is offered for us free of charge, yet costly for Him (Jesus’ death on the cross).  Will you accept that which is offered?  Will you accept the ring, the coat, the sandals from your Heavenly Father who wants to be close to you and free you from guilt and shame? Or will you decline and remain distant as a hired hand?  The choice is yours, and there’s a fattened calf waiting for the better answer.

Gaming Disorder?

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Recently, the World Health Organization (WHO) declared a new diagnosis for the ICD-11 Diagnosis Manual (International Classification of Diseases). he new diagnosis is called “Gaming Disorder.”  According to WHO, a Gaming Disorder is a “pattern of gaming behavior (“digital-gaming” or “video-gaming”) characterized by impaired control over gaming, increasing priority given to gaming over other activities to the extent that gaming takes precedence over other interests and daily activities, and continuation or escalation of gaming despite the occurrence of negative consequences.  For gaming disorder to be diagnosed, the behaviour pattern must be of sufficient severity to result in significant impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning and would normally have been evident for at least 12 months.” 

We’ve all pretty much known that video game use has been on the rise the past 20 years, and occasionally we hear stories in the news or listen to friends and family members complain that their kids play too long.  All of them say the same things.  “I wish my kid would get outside more.” “He needs to get a job.” “She needs to read a book.” “They need less time on video games and more time in the real world.”  All of these are said, yet parents don’t always do a great job limiting screen time, and often contribute by purchasing more games.  I confess I enjoy playing video games and played often, to the chagrin of my family, but had learned to place my time and priorities in other places.  I am also one of those parents who wished their kids played less and spent more time outdoors, all the while being an indoor dad myself.

As a counselor, I have also spoken with teens who play a lot of video games (or who constantly watch videos, movies, etc.).  I’ve also spoken to married couples who complain that one of them is spending too much time online, watching TV, videos, on social media, or playing video games.  Gaming Addiction is real, yet with the increase and portability of screens, I would want to lump all of these into a “Screen Addiction.”  How long can you go without checking your e-mail, social media account, or watching a video or show?  How long in a 24 hour period do you spend on a screen versus with people, tasks, work, devotions or other things?  My guess is that a safe answer would be, “longer than I used to” or “more than I should.”  I know I would answer this way.

Let me point out a few concerns with too much screen time (gaming, social, TV, etc.).  I’m sure there are many more (and feel free to add some in  the comments section), but I’ll start with just a few:

Focus on Self:  While one’s attention is focused on the screen, family and relationships become less important.  People become so entrenched in what they are doing, that any request or interruption by a family member is often met with moodiness and rudeness by the offending party.  The only thing that matters when one is entrenched in screen time is self.   The only things that matter is how far I get in a game, what others say about ME, giving MY input into online debates, finishing a TV series I need to watch, etc. For the Christ-follower, self is to be denied, yet when there is a focus on the screen, love for neighbors or family members does not happen (or happens little).  When our constant focus is on self, we actually harm ourselves more than help.  This love of self is really the heart behind the addiction and the need to submit to and engage with Christ becomes paramount in recovery.  As long as love of self reigns, we will lose the fight with addictions.

Reality Shifted:  While entrenched in screen time, one’s tasks, relationships, and responsibilities are often ignored, while the screen interests increase exponentially.  Thoughts are constantly turning to game strategies, research (there are so many YouTube gamers with their own channels!), passion for politics, new on-line pseudo-relationships, fictional characters, life and death situations, etc.  The here and now relationships, problems, responsibilities, and everyday life experiences are pushed aside.  Whatever is on the screen becomes of greater importance and “reality” than experiencing real life, made up of real relationship joys and problems, real experiences filled with laughter and concerns.  As a result, people have a hard time maturing, which happens through life experiences and relationships.  Like drug & alcohol addicts, those addicted to screen time are stunted in their emotional maturity and coping skills learned through experience, trial and error.

Coping Skills Decrease:  Since emotional maturity is stunted, people who are addicted struggle with coping in difficult situations.  The only coping mechanism for hurt feelings, stress, problems in relationships, etc. is their addictions.  Avoidance and escape are the coping mechanisms for screen addicts. People who cannot cope with life tend to get angrier often, get stressed easier, have more struggles in relationships, and overall have greater anxiety.  According to the APA study on Stress in America, those who check their e-mails and phones regularly have a higher amount of stress in their lives than those who do not.  The inability to cope well often leads to other mental health struggles (depression, anger, suicidal thinking), anxiety, etc.) and may eventually lead to some sort of crises in people’s lives.

While I would disagree with the WHO and the ICD in calling “Gaming Disorder” a “disease,” I would, however, apply Ed Welch’s definition of addiction and call it a “voluntary slavery.”  While admitting that a chemical component is typically present in all addictions, and that addictions are difficult to change, there will always be a voluntary aspect as we all have a choice (even if it doesn’t feel that way).  Even though there remains a “pull” towards returning to the screen (many of us have felt that in some way or another), we must take responsibility for changing.  I like the term used in the “Stress in America” article calling for a “Digital Detox” for individuals and families when it comes to screen time.    Unless we make some changes, we’ll continue to remain focused on ourselves, our realities will be “screen realities”, and we will not mature in our emotional health and coping skills.

Make the first step and reduce your time on the screen, take steps to love others and pay attention to their needs, and learn new ways of coping through life.  You won’t regret it!

 

 

Fred Jacoby is the Founder and Director of Foundations Christian Counseling Services in Northeast, PA and Binghamton NY.  For speaking services or to set up an appointment, contact us at info@ foundchristcounsel.org.

3 Ways to Communicate Better with Your Spouse

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Marriage counseling can be one of the most difficult and rewarding experiences in the office.  Many couples know they can get better, but they have a hard time resolving conflicts and becoming closer because they can’t communicate.  On the surface, communicating with one’s spouse doesn’t seem like it should be difficult. She speaks. He listens. He speaks. She listens. Communication has happened. Correct? Many who seek counseling complain they can’t communicate with each other. They complain the other person is not listening, not understanding, misinterpreting, forgetting, not informing, or not even talking at all. Couples want to become closer, but they can’t get through the communication issues.  Does this sound familiar to you?

I’d like to summarize 3 common problems and solutions to communicate better with your spouse.  To be current with the slang of my teen sons, these communication tips are LIT.

1.  Listening.  Someone once said God gave us two ears and one mouth so we’ll listen twice as much as we speak.  Listening is one of the most important skills of communication, but a skill we rarely do well.  When someone else speaks and you are listening, what are you listening to / for?  Some listen for errors in the other’s words for factual errors and then try to correct them (shutting the other person down).  Others appear they are listening, but they are thinking about a comeback or paying attention to something else (like the TV).  While others refuse to listen.  When others don’t understand, interrupt, or aren’t listening, we get frustrated. We raise our voices to be heard (because people can understand us better when we raise our voices, even if they’re right next to us, right?).  When this occurs, retaliation or withdrawal often follows.

I heard (I wish I could give credit to the author, but don’t recall where I it came from) that “Communication is more than an exchange of words, it’s an exchange of the heart.” Listening to another person isn’t about listening to the words alone, but to the meaning behind them.  In his book, Love & Respect, Dr. Eggerich gives examples of what he calls the “Crazy Cycle.”   In one situation, the “Crazy Cycle”occurs when a wife desires more time with her husband.  She criticizes him for working too much and not spending enough time at home.  The husband, feeling criticized, disrespected and hurt, then retaliates in unloving ways.  While the wife needed to express her heart better in non-critical ways, the husband also ought to listen beyond her words and into her heart.  What does the wife want?  More time with her husband because she loves him and wants to spend time with him.  Listening to the heart requires that we pay close attention to the other person’s feelings and desires.  What do they fear?  What do they want?  What do they love? Desire?  Oh and don’t assume you know what is in their heart or you can misinterpret their heart.  Ask.

2. Interpreting.  Over ten years ago I became upset with my wife at a church Baptism.  As an elder, I knew I needed to attend, but I was exhausted and didn’t want to go.  I mentioned this to my wife and said if I go I only want to hang out with friends.  We attended the event, and I did just that.  It was great until my wife came beside me and asked me if I was having a good time.  I said yes.  She responded, “Good, because I’m watching the kids.”  At this, I became angry with her because she was saying I was being selfish (which I was) and a bad dad (which I was).  But she said this in front of my friends, which I felt was disrespectful.  So, in good Christian fashion, I became indignant and refused to talk to her the rest of the night.  Then it occurred to me, “Fred. You’re a counselor.  What would you tell your client?”  I’d tell my client to make sure you interpreted your wife’s intentions correctly.  So, after I finished stewing, I asked her what she meant when she said what she said.  She replied that she hoped I was having a good time and not to worry about the kids because she was watching them.  So, my wife was ministering to me and I was offended because I misinterpreted her words.

We need to be humble in our interpretations and communication. 

We need to be humble in our interpretations and communication.  If we think we are right at reading the other person’s intentions, then we are not listening to their hearts, we are writing intentions onto their hearts.  We ascribe motives to another person and we could be completely wrong.  The more right we suspect we are, despite the other person arguing differently, the less we care to communicate.  Our pride has already dictated how poorly communication will be.  If we are to be humble in our own interpretations, we ought to trust the other person’s response.

3. Trust.  What would have happened if I believed my opinion instead of my wife’s response?  It would have gone something like this:  “You didn’t say you’re watching the kids so I’d have a good time.  You wanted to embarrass me in front of my friends and put me down as a dad!”  Ascribing one’s own feelings to another’s intentions does not work.  If we don’t or can’t trust the other person, communication will break down.  Yet many don’t speak truthfully.  Why?  Often it’s because of fear.  They may be afraid to say anything so the other person doesn’t think less of them (people pleasing).  They may be afraid to speak the truth because they are afraid of any consequences.  Or maybe it’s for a very different reason.  If trust has been broken in the relationship, such as with infidelity or hidden purchases, the brokenness in communication had already begun when the deceit began.  If we will trust another person, they need to be trustworthy, and we need the courage to trust them.  Without truth, trust will not grow in any relationship. Make sure you are being truthful in all communication and when you speak truth, speak it in love (Eph 4:15).

Most couples struggle with communication at some level.  Areas to improve are in Listening, Interpreting, and Trust.  While communication ought to involve both spouses, don’t wait for the other person to improve first.  If you start it, your spouse will adjust or respond in some manner.  When you speak, do it in humility, choosing to listen to the other person’s heart and not ascribing meaning to their words or actions.  Be truthful in your speech and look for areas where you may not be speaking truthfully.  Emphasize your desires (I’d like to spend more time with you) over the other person’s behaviors (you work too much).

If you struggle in marriage with communication, these tips can help you develop more intimacy and resolve conflicts with your spouse.

What are some other helpful tips?  Write them below!

Here are some other blogs to help you in your marriage…

Happy Wife = Happy Life??

Help! I’m a Black & White Thinker and My Marriage is In Trouble!

When You Are Disappointed in Your Spouse

Praying With Your Spouse

A Grace-Based Marriage

The Foundation of a Godly Marriage

The Blueprints of a Godly Marriage

The Plumbing of a Godly Marriage: Just Say “No” to Poop-Slinging!

The Power of a Godly Marriage

The Heating and Cooling of a Godly Marriage

Loving Your Wife in a Godly Marriage

Respect in A Godly Marriage

 

 

http://www.foundchristcounsel.org

http://www.christlinecounseling.com

The Log & Speck in Marriage

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The Hidden Agenda

Most people have agendas, many of which are hidden.  The most frequent hidden agenda in marriage counseling is a simple two word phrase that we are convinced will make marriage counseling successful: “Fix him” or “Fix her.”  After all, our issues are smaller and theirs are bigger.  If the spouse’s bigger issues are addressed, my little issues will go away.

Marriage counseling, at best, has a 50% success rate with the best of counselors.  Although there may be many reasons for this, marriage counseling is often not successful because husbands or wives find it difficult to see beyond their hurt.  They look at the hurtful actions of their spouse while having a difficult time seeing or understanding how their own actions are impacting the marriage.  In other words, we see ourselves more as the victims of our spouses, rather than active participants in a bad marriage.  If we do recognize our own actions, we understate how our actions impact the other person.  Or to put it another way, we see our own actions as the speck, and our spouse’s actions as the log.

Matthew 7:3-5

“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.”

Why is it important that we see our actions as the log

If we see these verses in context, Matthew begins the chapter about the importance of not judging others.  It seems natural for us to look at other’s actions, doesn’t it? We like what they do or we don’t.  We think they’re right or wrong.  Yet Jesus is calling us to focus on our own actions before even looking at the other person’s actions. Why? Because we won’t see clearly unless we deal with our own issues (logs) first.

Seeing our actions as “the log” is to recognize that we are 100% responsible for our own actions, inactions, responses, interpretations, heart desires and expectations.  The more you see yourselves as having specks and your spouse as having logs, the more likely you’ll be the victim, and likely grow in anger and resentment.  Marriages will not improve if we see ourselves as the victims of our spouses (I am not speaking about those who are being abused, yet there is a personal responsibility in abuse cases to act to protect self and children),  but can improve if we first work on ourselves.

Removing the Log

If we don’t remove the log, we won’t see clearly.  Jesus emphasizes the need to remove the log from our own eyes so that we may see clearly (have the right perspective) to help remove the speck in another’s eye.  Removing logs is not as complicated as surgery, yet it requires both humility and endurance.  The removal process starts with acceptance that there is a log (not a speck).  It continues with asking the Lord to reveal what is in the heart. Prayerfully consider these questions: What are my behaviors (fruit)?  What do I want when I act that way (heart)? What do I feel as though I need?  Why do I need this?  Does God provide this? What do I expect from my spouse? Why do I expect this? Often, husbands or wives become upset at their spouses because they are not loving them to the extent that is needed.  This may be due to insecurity and looking to the spouse to meet this need for security, yet such security can only be found in a relationship with Christ.

After you prayerfully consider these things, ask for forgiveness from God for your sins.  Then ask your spouse for forgiveness for how you’ve sinned against them.  With God’s help, keep the log out of your eye through daily renewal with Him, refusing to return to past behaviors, and getting what you need (security, worth, etc.) through your relationship with Christ.

Don’t Play The Blame Game

Recognizing that we own up to 100% of what we do does not mean that we take 100% of the blame for a bad marriage. In fact, the “blame” may be 30% you and 70% them.  You are not to blame for your spouses actions or inactions.  They are not to blame for your actions or inactions.  Yet you both will influence one another for the better or for worse. By removing the log from your own eye, you will see more clearly to share your concerns with your spouse, and you’ll be able to influence your spouse for the better with your positive responses.

We may have certain agendas, desires, and wishes, yet God calls us to look at ourselves and our own actions before we even look at our spouse’s actions.  Are we loving our spouses?  Are we enabling our spouses? Are we sinning against our spouses? Are we respecting our spouses?  Improving your marriage will always start with the one you can change.  You.

Here are some other Blogs on marriage:

3 Ways to Communicate Better with Your Spouse

Happy Wife = Happy Life??

Help! I’m a Black & White Thinker and My Marriage is In Trouble!

When You Are Disappointed in Your Spouse

A Grace-Based Marriage

The Foundation of a Godly Marriage


I’m Just Not Motivated: 6 Categories of Motivation

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I have to be honest with you.  I really struggle with motivation, so much so I think it will be a struggle for a very long time.  I don’t know if it’s the mild depression inside of me or my laziness (or both), but I often find myself not wanting to do anything.  I sometimes feel like going places and doing things.  I sometimes feel like being productive and getting things done.  But I struggle.  I know I’m not alone because one of the top 10 blogs I’ve written is “I’m Just Not Motivated” Part 1 and Part 2.  We probably can even call this Part 3.

As I’ve reflected on my motivations, my heart desires, and what motivates me, I’ve discovered 6 Categories of Motivation that exists in the heart.  Why only 6?  I don’t know, there are probably more, but these are the ones that seem to reign my heart, and I think may be present in your heart as well.  These categories are important because they show us a little of why we do what we do.  I’ve found when we place tasks into certain categories, this help us become more motivated to do these tasks and stay on track.

Let’s take a closer look at these categories of motivation…

6 Categories of Motivation:

(1) Want To: We do what we do because we either want to or don’t want to do it.  The “Want to” stems from the heart’s desires, wants or feelings.  As you read in the statements above, when I “feel like” doing something is often when I do something.  If there is no urgency, there is no need to do it (see #5).  This is where I and many others get stuck.  The “Want To” can be can be equally positive as it can be negative.  Why do I show love to my wife?  Because I want to show her love.  I love her (positive).  Why don’t I show love to my wife? I don’t feel like it at times.  I feel like doing what I want to do (negative).

Procrastinators don’t want to or don’t feel like doing work.  There is no need or urgency to do things now.  So, we obey our feelings until we can no longer wait and either have to (#6) or need to (#5) do the task.  Procrastination creates the urgency to get things done.  It is shifting a task to a different category.

(2) Willing To: We do what we do because we’re willing to do things.  The task is not necessarily in the want to category, but these two can work together simultaneously. If a person is willing to do something, the task is not a desire, per se, but perhaps due to the relationship, they are willing to do something for the other person.  They may be willing to do a requested task out of love or respect for the person, or perhaps out of fear of conflict.  But since they are willing to do it, there is a purposeful act of the will and typically does not have any resentments brewing beneath the surface.

One common example occurs in marriage when one partner desires love and affection from their spouse.  Let’s say that a wife wants her husband to want her and pursue her affectionately, but affection may not come as natural to him.  Yet, if he is willing to show her such affection, than that is an act of love.  She would be wise to accept his willingness to show love, and not let her need to be wanted control her emotions.

(3) Ought To: The “Ought To’s” in life has to do with doing what is right (as opposed to what is wrong).  If we have a decision to make and one of the decisions is morally right, we would say that we ought to do it.  Let’s be honest, we don’t always want to do what is right. We don’t always want to help someone in need.  It’s not convenient and we may sacrifice time, money or resources we don’t want to give away.  We are inherently self-centered.  But there are times we make decisions because it is the right thing to do.  We move past our self-centered feelings and decide to do a task which we ought to do.  Maybe the ought to involves helping someone, but maybe it is simply going to church, completing a chore, or obeying a traffic rule.  If we choose not to do what we ought to do, we might say we feel “bad,” but typically we won’t feel too bad.

(4) Should Do: A close cousin to the ought to’s is the should do’s.  The should do’s are like the ought to’s in that it is typically the right thing to do, but it has an expectation attached to it.  I should do something because it is expected by me or someone else.  If I don’t do it, there is typically a consequence associated with it, whether it is from another person or from oneself.  Typically this comes in the form of guilt or punishment.  One not only feels bad for doing what they should have done, but they feel guilty about not doing it.  This guilt is felt because another person may be “shaming them” for failing to meet their expectation, or it is guilt from oneself where shame is felt as a form of punishment and unmet expectation of self.

(5) Need To:  We do what we do out of necessity.  There is a need to do it.  I find that this is one of the most productive motivators of people.  We are typically motivated to eat and drink because there is a need to eat and drink.  We are motivated to sleep because we need sleep.  We are motivated out of necessity.  While Maslow has his hierarchy of needs, many people have moved their wants into the category of needs.  My teen sons are motivated to work so that they can earn money to purchase a new phone (which seems like a need in today’s society).  They are motivated to come home by curfew because they know the consequence is to lose driving privileges (a need for a teen).  Dinner needs to be served. The house needs to be cleaned before the guests arrive.  When we see things as needs, we find motivation to get things done.  Though we may become stressed if there are too many tasks in the need to category.

(6) Have To: We do what we do because we have to do it.  When we have to do something, choice is removed.  We have to do it.  When we don’t have a choice, or believe we don’t have a choice, we will most likely do it.  The have to’s and the need to’s are similar in that the urgency to do something is fairly high.  However, when we have to do something, there is an “or else” component that overshadows the tasks.  I have to clean the house or else people will think I’m a slob.  I have to study or else I’ll fail.  I have to get this project done or else I’ll get fired.  After a short time, one can become enslaved to the have to’s of life.  If we have to do things over and over again, there will be a lack of joy, satisfaction, and peace.  Having to do things, or feeling like you have to do things for others, is an issue in many marriages.  If you have to keep a clean house, get dinner on time, or do something out of fear, you will likely lose your identity and feel enslaved to another’s moods.

On the positive side, however, the sense of urgency when things are in the have to category is enough motivation for tasks to be completed.

For some individuals who struggle with motivation, it would be good to move the task to another category in your mind.  If you move a want to task to a need to or a have to task, the sense of urgency changes and you take away your choice.  Creating a sense of urgency is one of the most important methods to motivating oneself into action.  If there is no urgency, there will always be the choice not to do something…and we won’t do it.  We’ll be overcome by distraction or other things we like to do.

I believe that those who are most successful in fighting addictions or other sinful habits, those who are successful in lifestyle changes and diets, and those who are closest to the Lord, have created a sense of urgency in their hearts and minds.  It’s not a choice to live in sin anymore.  It’s not a choice to be a lukewarm Christian, but to seek after Him with all one’s heart.  It’s not a choice anymore to be enslaved by addictions.  By taking away the choices to serve self, they instead are choosing God, better health, or family and relationships.  They choosing to love others by taking care of oneself.

Whatever your struggle is with motivation, make the task urgent. Creating a sense of urgency by removing the bad choices, followed by setting up rewards, consequences and accountability for yourself will more than likely move you in a positive direction.  

My prayers for you (and myself) will be that we make our relationship with Him more urgent.

 

Foundations’ Top 10 Posts of 2018

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It’s been a pleasure writing this blog the past year.  I’ve been encouraged by the growth of the blog  as we have doubled the amount of views from 2017.  Our views went from 7100 to over 15,000!  Or to put it another way, from 3800 visitors to 7800 visitors (representing 128 different countries!).  Now, this is not huge numbers for the blogging world, but it is growth for a small organization such as Foundations.  This increase could not have been accomplished without God’s wisdom and your likes and shares on social media.  So THANK YOU for sharing Foundations’ blogs!

So, without further ado…

Foundations’ Top 10 Posts of 2018:

  1. The Black & White Thinking Christian
  2. Black & White Thinkers vs Relational Thinkers (An Introduction)
  3. When You Are Disappointed with Your Spouse
  4. I’m Just Not Motivated
  5. Black & White Thinking in Relationships: The Differences Between Men & Women
  6. Black & White Thinkers vs Relational Thinkers (An Introduction: Part 2)
  7. When You Are Disappointed in Your Life
  8. When You Are Disappointed in Yourself
  9. How to Hate the Sin We Love
  10. Grace & the Black & White Thinker

 

One of the greatest sources of encouragement for me is that 5 of the top 10 posts are blogs in the Black & White Thinking Series.  Since these posts have been written, I have been developing a new model called The Image Model that developed from these blogs.  Presenting this model to pastors and couples has been equally as encouraging.  Hopefully by the summer of 2019, these blogs, which evolved into The Image Model, will evolve further into a published book.

If you would like to find out more about The Image Model, you can go to www.theimagemodel.com and click on the SUBSCRIBE button to stay up to date .

Thanks for reading and hope to hear from you soon!

Creating a Church Culture of Helping People

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Tim Madden is the Pastor of Cornerstone Bible Church in Northeast, PA.  Over the past 10 years, I’ve noticed how he encourages his church to get trained in ministry, even if the training is over ten hours away!  And get this, his congregation is both willing and wanting to get trained to help people!  I’ve asked Pastor Tim to be our guest Blogger and share his thoughts on Creating a Counseling Culture in the Church:

     The pastor is not supposed to minister to everyone, but is supposed to equip believers within the church to minister to others. In order to equip believers to help others, we need to train them.

Fred recently contacted me and asked me to blog on “creating a counseling culture a church.” First, if I could step around Fred’s question, by saying I’m not going to use the word counseling. I do think it is the appropriate word. To counsel someone is simply to give them advice in an area of life they are struggling through.

   At the same time “counseling” has certain implications that hinder people in our churches ministering to others going through trials. The idea of “counseling” in our modern culture has the idea of someone needing to be a professional, and properly educated in that area. There are many times people need a professional counselor, but often, people need another basic Christian to help them walk through how to see things through the eyes of God. It also has legal ramifications that I think that we need to be aware of.

     So, with Fred’s permission, I am going to reword the question to “how do we create a church culture of helping people through trials.” The first word I want to focus on is the word culture. I appreciate Fred using that word. Culture is different than program. It has the idea of who we are more than what we do. If we are a church who is willing to help people through trials, programs are not enough.  We need to have any programs be a part of the culture of the church, that is, who we are more than what we do. We are a people who look out for each other, help each other, guide each other, and attempt to point each other to Christ and God with the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

     Second is the word create. In order to have a culture of helping others through trials, we need to create that culture. It is not something that naturally happens on its own. We are more interested in helping ourselves than others. So how do we create it? We need leaders who own this task personally. They are living example of people who help people through trials. They are people who take time to listen and speak the truths of Scripture and point people to Christ.

     We also need leaders who are willing to lead others in this area. While we believe that all Christians should be equipped to minister the gospel to others, this has to be planned out and intentional. How have I attempted to do that throughout the years?

    I’ve taken many in my church with me to “counseling” conferences. Our church has invested in people who want to invest in people. They are not all seasoned Christians. They aren’t people who have it all together. They are just people who love Jesus and love others. The training at a conference helps give years worth of information to groups of leaders and parishioners in my church in a day or several day period of time.

     I also connect people to each other. Part of what I do is network within my church. Sometimes I connect hurting people with those who have been trained in these areas. Other times I connect hurting people with people who have gone through the same type of suffering they have. I set up meetings, build trust between parties, and coach as we go.

     The question becomes, as a pastor, aren’t you the best person trained to do the job. The answer is complex, but if I could simplify it for the time being. Yes, I am the one who is trained most academically. But if we are going to continue to expand the ministry at our church, we need more than just the pastor ministering. Also consider the fact that while I have academic knowledge, someone with experiential knowledge of how someone is suffering will better be able to empathize with that person. I believe if, like Scripture says, we are faithful in a few things, God will make us faithful in many things. So as the leader of minister instead of the only minister, I believe God will continue to send us His children who need His healing.

     What does overseeing people who are ministering to each other in our church look like? Practically I set up meetings where I coach from the sidelines. I often meet with someone the first time who is struggling through something and just do some triage work. Then we talk about who in the church they trust and think can help them. I always try to find two people, that way if one person is busy or doesn’t follow through, the other person will be there for them.

     I then attempt to meet with the sufferer and two ministers. I try to provide a level of what the root problems are, the struggles, and practically how those two people can minister to the other person. I give books they can study through together, walk them through how to listen, pray with, guide, and speak truth into that persons life. I talk to them about how to provide accountability, and how I will be available if the players need the coach to guide them.

   I attempt, as time allows, to do quick check-ins on those who are both helping and being helped. It could be a simple text like, “give me a one paragraph update on how things are going with x.” Depending on the severity of the problem, I then meet with them either a couple days our weeks later. This is to have a group gathering with all four of us to see the progress. I ask the suffering and the helpers how they are growing through this time. It provides a good time to look at progress, that’s often overlooked on a daily basis. I then reassess what that person needs and if the helpers need any more guidance in helping.

     This is really a short overview of how I have created a church culture of helping others at our church. It has it’s flaws, and many bumps in the road. But by the grace of God he has helped grow and see fruit with both those looking for help and those giving help within our church. God has blessed it, and we are happy to serve him. The culture is created that we are all sufferers growing together. That we are not just here to be served but to serve. That programs are great and helpful, but the organic ministry that is happening in the trenches often have longer lasting significance.

Pastor Tim,
Cornerstone Bible Church,
Forest City, PA

maddeningtheology.com

 

Do you want to get your congregation trained in helping people with Addictions?  Come to Foundations 2019 Conference on Addictions on April 6th in Stroudsburg, PA!

Bad Advice From Well-Meaning Christians: Part 1 – Love Yourself

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We’ve all heard someone say, “If I had a dollar for every time someone said ____________, I’d be rich!”  Maybe we’ve said it ourselves.  Honestly, this is how I feel every time I hear a Christian give advice that sounds biblical, but is rooted in psychology.  The advice has a “form of godliness, but denies it’s power.”  In other words, it sounds good, spiritual and wise, but in the end it is empty.  People mean well when they help others.  We want to help people experience happiness and peace, yet our counsel may fall short because we’ve been duped into believing the counsel is true and accurate.  There are 3 common pieces of bad advice Christians give one another, all which fall short of the Gospel.  Let’s take a look at the first most common piece of advice well-meaning Christians give, but is not Biblical.  The other 2 will be mentioned in future blogs.

“You need to love yourself more” or

“You need to love yourself before you can love others.”

If you’ve been in an airplane and paid attention to the flight attendants, you heard them instruct parents to place the oxygen mask on before a child in an emergency situation.  This increases your chances that both of you will survive and have enough oxygen.  In other words, if you take care of yourself first, you can then take care of others.

The above illustration is often used with the slogan, “you need to love yourself before you can love others.”  The idea is that we need to learn to love ourselves first before we can love others.  In fact, we can’t really love others unless we first love ourselves.  There was even a song written about “The Greatest Love of All” is the love of yourself.  This would make sense using the oxygen mask illustration, and in some cases, would seem to make sense for us.  But is it true?

As a child of the 70’s and 80’s, the self-esteem movement was in full swing.  Yet I wonder how much of this has really helped people.  I do like one aspect of this movement, which is about accepting ourselves, even amidst our daily screw ups.  But loving yourself falls short of the Truths in the Word of God.  Now some people say “Loving Yourself” is actually in the Bible.  After all, the Bible says, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” therefore we should love ourselves.  However, this verse is not a command or instruction to love ourselves, it is an assumption made that we already do love ourselves.  In other words, we take care of our wants and our needs.  We feed ourselves, clothe ourselves, shelter ourselves, do what we need to do to live and enjoy life.  The verse is stating, “since we already take care of ourselves (love ourselves), we ought to love others as well,” thus “Love your neighbor as (you already) love yourself.”  Yet nowhere in this verse does it say that loving one’s neighbor is dependent upon loving oneself first.

“OK,” you say.  “So Scripture does not say we need to love ourselves first, but isn’t it saying we need to love ourselves more?”  And that would be a “No.” As we read the Scriptures, they actually point out that we love ourselves too much, which is why Jesus states that we must “deny ourselves” and follow him (Lk 9:23).  Additionally, Paul states that in the end times, people will become lovers of selves (2 Tim 3:1-2).  These statements of Jesus and Paul insist that we actually love ourselves too much.  In fact, we need to love ourselves less!  This is like fingernails on a chalkboard for some in the self-esteem movement who argue that low self-esteem is a result of low levels of self-love.  This conclusion is common because people berate themselves, hate the things they’ve done, what they look like, how they speak, and as a result, have low self-worth.  So, they argue, if you love yourself more, you won’t berate yourself and you will accept your failings and give yourself a break.

So how do we respond to others when they don’t appear to “love themselves” or have positive self-esteem?  I’m glad you ask!  First, define the problem!  Is the issue truly that they don’t love themselves, or they love themselves too much?  When people have a low self-esteem, they are valuing their own opinion (or other’s opinions of them) over God’s opinions.  One may call themselves unworthy, or a failure, or whatever negative name comes to mind.  These conclusions are reached when people compare themselves with others, fail at various activities or relationships, or are treated poorly by others (rejected, bullied, etc.).

Yet God’s Word states that since they are created in God’s Image, wholly loved by Him who sent His Son to die for them, their worth is immense.  God’s Word points us to a worth that is greater than our failures, greater than other’s opinions, and greater than our own opinions or feelings.  His grace (unmerited favor) triumphs over our failures.  His grace offers acceptance of us as we are and empowers us to be free from negativity.   Low self-esteem, therefore, is not a result of low self-love, but it is valuing our own personal feelings and thoughts more than God’s determined truth.  Believing our own thoughts and opinions over God’s opinions and actions for them through Christ is the process of self-denial the Scriptures call us towards.  

What is the truth?  Not “you need to love yourself more,” but to accept and believe God’s grace and love for you, which is not determined by your feelings or thoughts (or other’s opinions of you), but is determined by the never changing character, love, and grace of God.  Since Jesus is TRUTH, his death for us on the cross is the WAY for one to have a renewed and esteemed LIFE.

There are 2 other pieces of advice Christians give but are not grounded in His Word.  They are “You need to forgive yourself” and “You need to be Happy (or God wants you to be happy).”  These will be addressed in future blogs.

Bad Advice From Well-Meaning Christians: Part 2 – Forgive Yourself

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We all need help. If we are humble enough, we will ask for it.  Who we turn to for advice is important since following their advice may lead us on a rewarding path. But it also may lead us on a destructive one.  Though even the wisest of people tend to get led astray from time to time.  In light of this, here is the second part in the series, Bad Advice from Well-Meaning Christians.  To read Part 1 (Loving Yourself), click here.

Nearly every Christian and non-Christian resource written on the subject of forgiveness contains the advice to forgive ourselves.  There are several reasons for this:

The Destructive Emotions of Guilt, Shame & Anger has got to go!

Personal sin is a self-inflicted wound in our hearts and in other’s lives.  The guilt we feel is a deep, penetrating stain left behind, which can marinate in our souls for years.  Lingering guilt can ruin people’s lives and relationships, making its removal a necessary step to be healed from sin. Shame is a close cousin of guilt.  In shame, we personally attack ourselves, declaring us worthless because of what we have done, or what others have done to us.  Anger is another emotion displayed when moral laws have been broken.  If we have sinned, we may become angry at ourselves for doing wrong.  We failed at meeting our expectations, so we get angry at ourselves.  Both Christians and non-Christians alike understand the effects of guilt, shame, and anger on a person’s life and relationships, and both recognize the need to “let go” and be free from these self-destructive emotions.

Forgiveness is the Path to Freedom

Guilt, shame, and anger are not only common emotions, but enslaving emotions as well.  While there may be times where feeling these emotions are appropriate, these emotions can capture us and rule our hearts for extended periods of times.  We need to be free from emotional captivity and most would agree that forgiveness plays an important role in becoming free from guilt, shame and anger. Quotes about forgiveness, such as “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that prisoner was you” (Lewis Smedes) and “Forgive others. Not because they deserve forgiveness, but you deserve peace” (author unknown) demonstrate the freeing effects of forgiveness on the one who forgives.  These quotes focus on forgiving someone (not self) who hurt you in some manner resulting in freedom or peace.

While forgiving others can bring freedom for self, forgiveness from others does not always bring the same promise.  If our freedom from these emotions is dependent on another granting forgiveness and the other person does not forgive us, then we can never be free.  Yet even if we are forgiven by the other person, we often still feel the guilt, shame, and personal anger at ourselves.  Therefore, many Christians and non-Christians conclude that freedom from the emotions of guilt, shame, and anger can only be achieved through self-forgiveness.  They argue, “If you are angry at yourself, then forgive yourself and you will be free.”

Christians, however, would argue that forgiveness from God, in addition to self-forgiveness, is also necessary for real freedom.  Sadly, Many have not experienced the freedom from God’s forgiveness alone, therefore they argue self-forgiveness is a necessary step for freedom.

A BIBLICAL RESPONSE

Most of us agree that freedom from compounding guilt, shame, and anger are essential for healing for self and for relationships.  The path to such healing is where we may differ.  While forgiving yourself is a popular teaching, we must first ask if this teaching is taught in Scriptures.  Then, we need to determine if this teaching is either in accordance with Scripture or contrary to it.

Is Forgiving Yourself Taught In Scripture?

If you study the context of the words forgive or forgiveness in the Scriptures, you will find both vertical and horizontal forgiveness.  Vertical forgiveness is when we ask for forgiveness from God.  God’s forgiveness is requested because we have sinned.  Horizontal forgiveness, however, is either seeking or granting forgiveness to others.  Yet there is no place in Scripture where self-forgiveness is taught.  If self-forgiveness is necessary and required like vertical or horizontal forgiveness, why is this left out of the Scriptures?  I would argue it is not in the Scriptures because it is not only unnecessary, but forgiving yourself diminishes the forgiveness of Christ.

Is Forgiving Yourself in Accordance to or Contrary to Scripture?

Forgiveness is taught throughout the Scriptures.  With all the teachings about forgiveness, why would God leave out self-forgiveness if it so important for healing?  I believe there are several reasons:

  • God’s Forgiveness Through Christ is Sufficient – While books have been written on this topic, I’ll give an extremely brief explanation.  Scripture teaches us that Jesus Christ has set us free from sin and the effects of sin, such as guilt and shame (Gal 5:1, Rom 6:18, 6;22, 8:2, Ps 32:5, etc.). If we hold onto sin, guilt and shame, it is because we either have not accepted his complete forgiveness of our sins through Christ, or we don’t believe it is enough.  When we say, “I know God forgives me, but I can’t forgive myself,” we are saying, “Christ’s death for my sins, and his resurrection, was insufficient to set me free, I need to forgive myself.  Only I can set me free.”  In other words, salvation or freedom from our sins, guilt and shame is by my works (the act of forgiving self), and not by God’s love, grace, and death on the cross.  Scripture repeatedly states salvation and redemption come from God through Christ, and not by ourselves (Jn 8:36, Eph 1:7, 2:8-9, I Jn 1:9, etc.). I like Rick Thomas’ explanation: “If sinner-man could forgive himself, he would not need a perfect sacrifice. If an imperfect sacrifice would do, who needs Christ? How convenient: I can sin, forgive myself of my sin, and be free from my sin. I can live in a hermetically sealed self-made redemptive world.”  If we can forgive ourselves, then God’s forgiveness becomes unnecessary or insufficient.
  • Practicing and Applying Grace brings Freedom – I have had conversations with people who have “forgiven themselves” and who felt completely healed from these emotions.  My assumption is that such freedom is because they learned more about grace, God’s unmerited favor.  They’ve admitted they have sinned / failed, accepted that it is in their nature to do so, and understood that they are still loved, have value and worth beyond their wrongful actions.  When we understand that we are not defined by our sins, but by God’s grace, we experience healing. Such understandings, especially in light of the cross of Christ, will bring freedom from guilt, shame, and anger.

Concluding the Matter

All of us recognize it is a problem to hold onto guilt, shame, and anger.  While we all wish to help others become free from these harmful emotions, or we may need to be free ourselves, the Scriptures always point to freedom through Christ alone.  When people say “I know that it my head, but not in my heart,” they are telling you that they don’t yet believe it.  They know and believe it to be true, but they have not incorporated that belief into their life, which is why one isn’t free from guilt, shame, or anger.  When we wish to help people with these emotions, point them to Christ alone.  If we need this healing ourselves, read and study more about His redeeming grace and love.  For “if the Son has set you free, you are free indeed” (Jn 8:36).  Do you truly believe this? Then you are free.

Other Related Blogs:

Bad Advice From Well-Meaning Christians: Part 1 – Love Yourself

Bad Advice From Well-Meaning Christians: Part 3 – God Wants You To Be Happy

When You are Disappointed in Yourself

The Prodigal Son – An Alternate Ending

Meeting the Standard

 

About the AuthorFred Jacoby, MA is the Director of Foundations Christian Counseling Services in Northeast, PA.  Fred also serves as the Pastor of Counseling at Cornerstone Community Church and is the author of a mini-book King of the Road: Overcoming Road Rage.”  

 

 

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