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A few weeks ago I went on vacation with my family to California and we had the opportunity to visit Sequoia National Park as well as some other sights that were simply breathtaking.  From all the sites we saw, I was most taken back by the Sequoia trees.  The General Grant Sequoia tree (third largest in the world) was so large, it would take 20 adults holding hands to be able to surround it.  Since I grew up as an East Coast boy, these trees simply fascinated me.

We happened to see a cross section of one of the fallen sequoias, which had numerous scars on it that showed it survived 9 fires in the course of its life.  Apparently, fires were good for the sequoia because it cleared the land of the other trees (allowing more sunlight & rain) and the heat allowed the seeds to expand and to be released in the area.  This provided optimal surroundings for the sequoias to flourish in the area.  Without the fires, the trees would not have grown so large.

Life certainly has its own fires, struggles, griefs, pains, conflicts, and traumas.  Some are minor inconveniences while others are real-life nightmares.  All cause enough grief to know that to experience the fires means getting burned, something to avoid at all costs.

Physical pain is something we try to avoid, but if we know it is for the better, we will be willing to endure it.  We’ll endure a dental filling so we can eat without further pain, surgery to repair our bodies so we can live or function better, or even endure strenuous exercise so we can look better.

Emotional pain, however, is a different story.  Emotional pain cuts to the heart of who we are.  To feel the emotional pain of rejection and worthlessness, or grieve losing someone so close…or to feel the emotional pain of guilt, shame, fear or loneliness…these are the parts of ourselves that we either hate to feel or fear to feel.  So we avoid it.  Perhaps we fear being fully exposed to others or fear that we truly are worthless.  If others truly knew what went on inside of us, we believe we would die.  Perhaps we are afraid of being down so low that we will never recover.  Maybe we are fearful that we will lose everything or believe that to feel such feelings make us less manly (for men) or even human.  These feelings are uncomfortable and we hate to feel them.  So what do we do?  How do we deal with them?

Everyone has their own way, but typically, we deal with our feelings by not directly dealing with them.  Rather than acknowledging what we feel and addressing them based on the circumstances, we act on them. Instead of telling someone we are hurt because of what they said or did, perhaps we will take it out on others or ignore them.  Rather than admit we are depressed and work on the why’s, we will eat ice cream or chocolate, drink alcohol, look at pornography, watch TV, play games, sex, listen to music, anger, etc. etc.  Rather than turn to a loving and actively interested God, we turn to other things to deal with our emotional struggles, and often those things become our go-to vices, some of which are addictive.

The Psalms are excellent examples of men who felt the frustrations of this life who struggled with the difficult emotions amidst the trails of their lives.  In dealing with emotions, David (and other Psalmists) wrote their anguish and struggles down and how they were able to get to the other side of the struggle emotionally.  The emotions written in the Psalms were not considered only positive emotions, such as joy and contentment, but also emotions of frustration and anger, of sadness and distress (22, 1-2; 55:4-8), and of sorrow and guilt (51, 38).  He was willing to talk to God about his complaints (64:1-6), to seek God when life seemed unfair (41:1-2), and even let out some anger and some unwholesome desires for God to smite those who have done evil (58:6-8).  He sought the Lord crying out for mercy (51:1) and sought the Lord when crying out for a savior (69, 70).

In the Psalms, all emotions that are present are worked through, but they are dealt with in relation to God.  As Christians (and an encouragement to those seeking), our emotions (positive and negative) are best dealt with in relation to God.  As we read through the Psalms, we see that ultimately it wasn’t simply the expressions of the emotions to God (though that is the first step), but the promise of His character – His strength, justice, love, mercy, and patience – is what brought the Psalmists through the fires.  As a result, they grew stronger in their lives and in relationship with the Lord, thus being able to “deal” with life’s fires emotionally and physically.

Like the sequoia, life’s fires have the opportunity to help us better grow as we learn how to deal with these fires in relation to God.  If we were to deal with the fires without Him at the center, we may miss valuable opportunities to flourish in Him and in life…and the seeds of our life-changing witness may not take root into other’s lives.  How do you deal with all of life’s fires?  How do you deal with your negative emotions (sadness, anger, guilt, frustrations, shame, grief, anxiousness, distress, and sorrows)?  Don’t simply avoid them, drown them, silence them, or ignore them, but process them…and remind yourself who God is…He is love.  He is good.  He is strong.  He is just.  He is faithful.  He is trustworthy.  He is God.

As I have looked back at my counseling throughout the years, I have noticed that there has been a certain population I have a difficult time connecting with and counseling.  It’s not that the counsel was bad, per se, but that the counsel was not connecting to how they operate.  As I considered their characteristics and comments, and as I did more research, I would say the similarities of these clients would lead me to conclude that they tend to be black & white thinkers.

As I thought about my relationships, I also learned that there are those close to me who are more black & white thinkers.  As a parent of one such thinker, I also found it difficult to connect with him at times because we think so differently.  For me, well, I am more of a relational thinker.  My motives, desires, and hopeful outcomes are very different than the black & white thinker.  As I have done some research on black & white thinking, I have found it to be seen mostly as a negative thing (one article called it a cognitive disorder) and all I have seen in writings have been from a secular viewpoint.  So, let’s take a few blogs to explore the black & white thinking biblically.  But first things first, what is a Black & White thinker and how is it different than a relational thinker*?

Black & white thinkers are typically described as believing in “all or nothing,” “good or bad,” “right or wrong,” “strong or weak,” and “smart or stupid.”  In these extremes, events or people (including themselves) are judged to be one or the other.  There is no middle ground or gray area.  Black & White thinkers typically focus on the tangible, “out in the open” things.  These are things that can be seen, heard, or measured (the fruit).  The thoughts or emotional processes and motives in decisions (the heart) are practically irrelevant and are difficult to grasp.  You make a decision based on what is right or wrong.  Period. You see other’s actions as “either-or.”  Either they love me and will show it (the way it is right for me (self-defined)), or they don’t love me.  Either the kids do what I say when I say it or they are disobedient.  Black & White thinkers generally recognize their need for relationships, but have a harder time connecting emotionally in relationships (I find this to be more true for males than females, who seem to be more relational than males).

Relational Thinkers (I’m using this term to describe what is most important to this type of person – relationship) live in the gray. Hardly anything is black & white. Relational Thinkers tend to be more flexible in their judgment of actions and people for the sake of the relationship. Relational thinkers tend to be more empathetic to others, placing themselves in the other’s shoes as much as they can, and sympathetic, identifying with the emotional struggles of others.  They will focus more on the “behind the scenes” stuff, such as emotions, thoughts, motives and desires.

In an argument, relational thinkers will tend to give in to others for the relationships’ sake while black and white thinkers tend to stand more on the absolute truths.  In other words, relational thinkers will focus on the relationship of those engaged in the exchange, while the black & white thinkers will focus on the content of the exchange.  Each one focuses on what is most important to them.

As humans created in the Image of God, I believe it is important to see how both of these type of thinkers can reflect Him.  You see, God is both moral and relational.  There is absolute Truth because it is His universe.  There is absolute right and absolute wrong.  In His Word, He explains what wrong is (sin) throughout every 66 books of the Scriptures.  Yet as His Word explains what is wrong and sinful, these wrongs are also explained in the greater context of relationship between us and Him, the Bride (church) and the bridegroom (Christ).  Former Pastor and Speaker, Paul Tripp said, “Sin is not simply a breaking of the rules, it is a breaking in the relationship.”  In declaring what is wrong, God seeks the greater good for us, to have a relationship with Him that comes through the repentance of sin (moral) and the reconciliation with Him through Christ (relational).

Yet, even though both type of thinkers come from being image-bearers of God, it is necessary that we recognize that our type of thinking has been stained by the sin in our hearts.

For the Black & White Thinker, consider this: You can see things as right and wrong, but in doing so, have you defined right or wrong, or does that come from God?  Does it take into account your relationship with God or others, or only yourself? Are you becoming like a Pharisee focusing on how others need to get in line while being blind to your own sins?

For the Relational Thinker, consider this: You can see things relationally, but in doing so, are you so focused on having a good relationship that you are refusing to deal with your sin or overlooking others’ sin?  Are you so focused on love and feeling good that you are making moral compromises?  Are you sidestepping discipline for the children so that you have a good relationship?

Throughout the next few weeks, we’ll consider these two types of thinking and how they play a role in our relationships.  We will also focus on some passages of Scripture to help us understand the strengths and weaknesses of each and how to grow in faith & love.

Q:  What more can you add about black & white thinkers vs relational thinkers?  What questions come to mind when reading this?

*Honestly, there may be more types of thinkers than the two I have written about (black & white vs relational).  Yet for simplicity sake, I have narrowed it down to these two types of thinkers.  Perhaps further research will allow for additional categories and more discussions.

As we continue to explore Black & White Thinking through the lens of Scripture (see 1st post here), we want to acknowledge a couple of things:

1) Black & White Thinking is a type of lens or filter a person naturally uses to interpret the world and make decisions (right or wrong, good or bad, etc).

2) It is a definitive moral characteristic of God (defining right & wrong) and as image-bearers, is possessed by many as a type of interpretive moral lens.

3) It is also tainted or stained by our inherent and personal sin/pride and is prone to lead to self-righteousness (Pharisaical), conflict and broken relationships (the more black & white thinking there is, the more difficult for relationships to be successful).

4) We are not solely Black & White Thinkers or Relational Thinkers.  It is not an either/or type of thinking (it would be Black & White for me to say so).  Yet the more Black & White Thinking we have, the more likely we are to live by the Law (standards & expectations, etc.).

In Luke 15, Luke shares a parable of Jesus that attempts to reach the heart of the black and white thinker (or the Pharisee).  In this Parable (Prodigal Son), Jesus speaks of the one son who did everything wrong.  He essentially told his father he wished he were dead, took his inheritance before the father passed, was greedy, selfish, and lived his life for himself.  Meanwhile, this whole time, the older brother chose to honor his father, remained with the father, worked for his father, etc.  He basically did everything right.  But when the younger brother returned and saw his father’s mercy and reinstatement into the family, the older brother was incensed and refused to come to the party to celebrate his return.

The older Brother mentality is the same as the Black & White Thinker, which is the same as the Pharisees.  Here is the thought process:  The older brother saw the actions of the younger brother and his father’s hurt, all while he himself is doing the good and right thing.  The interpretation is that the younger brother sinned by doing wrong, while the older brother did not.  What is concluded, therefore, is that the younger brother does not deserve what a good person (himself) deserves.  The Black & White Thinker’s abiding law is “If you serve well, you deserve well.  If you serve poorly, you deserve nothing.”  Tangible rewards and consequences are to be earned solely on merit, nothing more and nothing less.  The merit system has worked well for places of employment for bosses and employees, but falls short in deeper, personal relationships.

What the older brother needed to know, was that even though there is right and wrong, the relationship with the offending party is significant when considering one’s response to actions.  In other words, actions alone do not dictate rewards and consequences, but rewards & consequences are dictated by relationship, too.  The older brother did not consider the relationship as an important factor when considering a reward or consequence.  Anything given more or less than what was deserved, especially if compared to what he received (Lk 15:29), was seen as unfair.

What the older brother did not realize was that he himself had developed a self-righteous attitude.   He thought that he was better than the younger brother because of his loyal and dedicated works.  Yet he failed to see that he needed the father’s mercy and grace as much as the younger brother.

Even the younger brother had thoughts similar to the older brother (although we can’t say if he was a Relational or a Black & White Thinker, only a self-centered son who later repented).  As the younger brother returned, he thought he should be treated like one of his father’s servants.  He thought he did not deserve to be given anything more considering all he had done, yet he was most likely surprised by his father’s loving response that was not deserved.

At the end of the parable, the audience (Pharisees, Black & White Thinkers) are left with an invitation from the father (God) to celebrate that a broken relationship was restored (Lk 15:31-32).  The older son was invited to recognize and celebrate the importance of a person who comes to repent and to put aside resentments, self-righteousness, and slander towards an undeserving person.  Jesus was inviting all of his listeners to see our relationship with him and others as one not built on actions and rewards, but on forgiveness, love, mercy, and grace.  These are the essential ingredients of what close relationships are built upon.

The Black & White Thinker typically has an older brother mentality.  He will look at actions and rewards, he will probably compare himself and his actions to others and will probably have the tendency to see himself as better than others and even more deserving.  He may see things as fair or unfair and may even become angry when others get what they don’t deserve or when he doesn’t get what he thinks he deserves.

Jesus’ message to the Pharisees in this passage is for them to recognize that the Father’s response to sinners is not simply about actions and the law of works (you get what you deserve).   No, Jesus’ message is for them to recognize that when a sinner repents from their ways, the Father is ready and willing to accept them and give what they don’t deserve…a full relationship with the Father that is not built upon works, but upon the Father’s grace.  Without grace, relationships often fail or are shallow, at best.

Grace is a difficult concept to accept for hard-core Black & White Thinkers (it is even for Relational Thinkers!), yet it is essential for us to understand and believe.  This will be the topic for the next blog: Grace and the Black & White Thinker.

This is part three of the Black & White Thinker Series.  Click for The Introduction (Part 1) or Black & White Thinking Through a Biblical Lens (Part 2).

Today, I wanted to look at the most important truth that all Black & White Thinkers ought to consider, and that is the necessity for Grace.  Grace is a difficult truth to comprehend for anyone, let alone the Black & White Thinker.  Due to the intangibleness of grace, meaning that it is not in itself observable or measurable (though the effects in a person’s life are more so), it remains elusive to many who have been enslaved to the Black and White Thinking.

As I read Paul’s letters in the New Testament, I would label him as the most Influential Black & White Thinker of the Bible.  Since we see Black & White Thinking amidst the Pharisees (based on the strict adherence to the Law) and Paul labelled himself as “pharisee” (Php 3:5, Acts 23:6), it would seem that he leaned towards this type of thinking. Also, we are told of his actions (prior to conversion – as Saul) and his zealousness for the law, how he was trained in the law and supported himself by giving “consequences” for those who disobeyed the law (persecuting Christians), so we can probably conclude that he was a Black & White Thinker, but with the added passion for justice (as defined by the Pharisees).

As Saul was living by the law and persecuting the Christians, he had a life-changing experience on the Road to Damascus.  He was stopped and approached in a miraculous way by a Relational Jesus.  Jesus simply asked him this, “Saul, why do you persecute me?” (Acts 9:4).  This question has profound implications for Saul.  Though he was blinded by the light, he began to see for the first time that his understanding and actions, ones that he thought were right, were actually wrong.  Not only wrong, but his thinking and subsequent actions had personally impacted Jesus Christ.  Now, Saul wasn’t a believer at this point, but after such a supernatural experience with Jesus, he certainly became one.

After considering his horrible actions and the Lord’s call for him to be an instrument for Christ, and after receiving gospel training, Saul (now named Paul) became aware of  a different law at work.  He moved from living by the law of works, to living by the law of grace.  Grace became a topic he wrote about frequently and included in his letters to the churches.  Most of Paul’s letters started with the following exhortation: “Grace and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.”  Paul spoke about grace regularly so that the people of God would know that “it is by grace you are saved, not by works.”  Paul’s recognition of the grace of God would move him from being a person who thinks in black and white to one who thinks more relationally through grace.  That is, our relationship with God is not one that is earned by us, but one that occurs only by the grace and mercy of God through Christ.

Now, does this mean that Paul ceased all black and white thinking?  I don’t think so entirely, but I do think the Black and White Thinking decreased significantly with the inclusion of Grace in his life.  Paul still called for strict consequences for those who sinned, but he also was willing to show grace and mercy to those who asked for forgiveness (see 1 Cor 5:11-12, Titus 3:9-11, 2 Cor 2:5-11).

If you are a Black & White Thinker longing to grow in your faith and relationships with those around you, I would strongly recommend growing in your understanding and application of grace.  One great book on Grace is called Transforming Grace by Jerry Bridges. This resource will help you to see how we set up laws in our hearts for ourselves and people and how we can live by grace.  (For another blog on this, click here.)  Don’t simply read a book on grace and be done, but surround yourself with godly men or women to comprehend grace and apply it to your lives and relationships.  It was meeting Jesus and his grace that transformed Saul and set him on a new course for his life and relationships with God and others, and it is the understanding and application of grace that will transform our lives, too.

This is Part 4 in the Black & White Series.  Click here for Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3.

So far, I have been viewing Black & White Thinking as a type of thinking that, like Relational Thinking, and in its purest form, reflects God the Father.  Meaning that God the Father, as our creator and creator of this world, defines right and wrong, good and bad, light and darkness, etc.  He is the One who defines what is Holy and what is not.  He is able to judge the actions and motives of humanity justly and right. And God is the one who stands on truth because He is the Truth.  Yet, God is also Relational, as we see throughout His constant interactions with us and His Son being sent to reconcile us to Himself.

I have also stated that there are weaknesses in Black & White Thinking inside of us, that it is often legalistic (Pharisaical) and that faith in Christ and an understanding of grace can help move someone from being Black & White to being more Relational.  Yet we have only touched the surface of Black & White Thinking.  If you were to google Black & White Thinking, most of the articles will show the worst parts of this “cognitive disorder” and will take you on a journey thinking that maybe you, too (if you’re a Black & White Thinker), have Borderline Personality Disorder,  or Dissociative Identity Disorder, or are narcissistic.  So perhaps now is a good time to differentiate between Black & White Thinking vs a “Mental Illness.”

Black & White Thinking is present in many (if not all) of us in different areas and different times in our lives.  Most of us have areas in our lives which we see as right or wrong, good or bad, either – or, etc. These are moral judgments we make about actions, people (including ourselves), and things that are important to us.  One such area that we have seen recently is in the polarizing of politics.  If you’re not a Conservative Republican, you must be a Liberal Democrat.  Isn’t there any other option or only the two?  Yet, the Black & White Thinking may not apply to all areas in our lives.  Often, as people mature and are involved in relationships, some of the black & white thinking begins to erode and relationships are able to function better.

According to NAMI (National Institute for Mental Illness), a mental illness/disorder is defined as “a condition that affects a person’s thinking, feeling or mood.”  Black & White Thinking would be considered a mental disorder if it is a pattern that causes suffering or a poor ability to function in life.  Meaning that if the Black & White Thinking negatively effects success in relationships, jobs, or other activities, most Psychiatrists or Psychologists would consider this extremely harmful (and I would agree).  Black & White Thinking is not listed as a Mental Disorder or Illness, yet this type of thinking is found in Mental Illnesses such as narcissism, depression, anxiety, etc (more on these in a  later blog).  It is also found in those struggling with disabilities such as Autism Spectrum Disorders.  I think it is fair to conclude that Black & White Thinking is not a Mental Illness in itself, but it is a common trait found in mental illnesses.  I believe we can also conclude that not all people who think in Black & White have a Mental Illness. The differentiating aspect is whether it effects and to what extent it effects everyday relationships and employment.  This is one of the reasons it is so important to tackle this type of thinking, and for Christians, to tackle it Biblically.

The term Mental Illness or Mental Disorder is not used in Scripture, but that does not mean that the Scriptures are silent or cannot speak to those diagnosed with Mental Illnesses. And it certainly doesn’t mean that only Psychotherapy can speak into Mental Health issues.  No, the Bible is relevant for all of our struggles and suffering and for those who think Relationally or Black & White.  In the next few blogs, we will be looking at Black & White Thinking in Depression, Anxiety, and in relationships.  In addition, we’ll take a closer look at how Black & White Thinking combined with pride can even lead to Narcissism and abuse.

The following blog is Part 5 in the Black & White Thinking Series.  Click on the links for Part 1 (Introduction), Part 2 (Biblical Lens), Part 3 (Grace), and Part 4 (Mental Illness?).

According to the Mayo Clinic, depression is “a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.”  It is characterized by low energy or fatigue, change in appetite and sleep, low self-esteem, poor concentration or inability to make decisions, and feelings of hopelessness.  Feelings of guilt, shame, being unloved, and numb feelings can be oppressive and lead to inactivity and loneliness.  The more severe the depression is, the more likely the oppression seems to control you (thoughts, actions, mood, etc.), which means the more you feel powerless to control yourself.

Some of the writings about depression state that the depression itself causes thought patterns.  Though I am unsure as to whether depression itself causes negative thought patterns, I can certainly say that they are present in depression.  One of the common thought patterns found in depression is Black & White Thinking.

If we take a look at the diagram on the left, we see the green ball which represents the actions or words of another, or events that take place.  The Black & White Thinker hears the words (green ball) and they are interpreted (fall all the way down the triangle) as either “all or nothing” or “black & white.”  There is no stopping the interpretation until it reaches the bottom. For example, a student who is depressed will tell herself after receiving a “B” on a test: “I failed it.  I’m stupid.”  A father who did not handle a situation well will tell himself, “I’m a lousy father.  I’m a failure.”  The event happened and the interpretation of themselves goes to one side or the other.  But a “B” certainly is not failing, but far from it! The father may not have handled a situation well, but that does not mean that he is a horrible father as he has probably done many things well!  In Black & White Thinking, the simple conclusion is that it has to be one or the other.  To conclude that a “B” is not stupid or that a good father can make poor decisions is difficult to comprehend, let alone believe.

People struggling with depression make similar conclusions about themselves.  “I am unloved.”  “No one really cares.” “I am a failure.”  “All is hopeless.” “Nothing will help me.”  When Black & White Thinking is present and its conclusions are believed, the depression gets worse.

We not only feel oppressed by our depression, but we also participate in our depression.  In other words, we not only feel it, but we do it.  We actively (or passively) engage in our depression.  We may wear dark clothes, think depressive thoughts, remain in bed, and basically obey our feelings.  At times, we may not feel as though we have a choice, even though we do.

In order to combat the Black & White Thinking in Depression (or in general), new conclusions based on a different Truth needs to be introduced.  This new Truth is not based on one’s own flawed interpretation, but it is a Truth based on God’s Word.

Take a look at the second Diagram to the right.  Here, we see that with the intervention of God’s Truth, the green ball does not fall to the previous Black & White conclusion, but instead falls a shorter distance.  And what are these new conclusions based on God’s Truth? Let’s go back to the examples.  In both cases, the Truth of God’s Word (based on Rom 2:8, 3:23, 8:1; Jn 3:16) is the following, “I may not have done as well as I would have liked, or maybe even failed, yet I can expect to do poorly at times as ‘All have sinned and fall short.’ But who I am is based on Christ’s actions for me, not on my own actions (grace).  Therefore,  I may have failed, but I am not a failure.  I am loved, worthwhile, blessed, cherished, and adored by Him…not because of what I have or have not done, but because of who He is.”  Or perhaps these Truths may be better for others: “I know I failed or did poorly.  My failures were taken to the cross by Jesus.  Therefore, I do not need to punish myself any further, as my punishment fell on Christ.”  When these Truths become more important than personal truths and conclusions, and when they are trusted and believed more than one’s own truths, there is progress made for those who struggle with Depression.

It sounds simple enough, yet it is difficult for someone who is depressed to think differently as they have been thinking this way for a long period of time.  At times, medication may be necessary to lift the person up to be able to challenge their own thinking successfully.  Other times, medication is not necessary at all.  It may be necessary only having accountability and a list of God’s truths available to rehearse, repeat, and challenge the Black  & White Thinking.

What are some other examples of Black & White Thinking found in Depression?  How about truths that have helped?

Black & White Thinking is not only found in Depression, but it is also found in Anxiety as well.  Next week, we will take a look at Black & White Thinking found in Anxiety Disorders and God’s Truths that will help!

The following is Part 6 in the Black & White Thinker Series.  Click on these links for Part 1 (Intro), Part 2 (Biblical Lens), Part 3 (Grace), Part 4 (Mental Illness?), and Part 5 (Depression).

Anxiousness is something we have all experienced.  We worry about our children, our jobs, or our schooling.  We feel anxious when we have an interview, speak or sing in public, or have some event or activity we are not used to (& sometimes which we do all the time).

I remember the time when I asked my wife to marry me.  I had told her I would propose to her after she received the twelfth rose from me.  So, throughout perhaps two months, I had given her one rose, maybe two at a time until it came to the last few roses. We were at a restaurant in Connecticut and I left her at the table to “go to the restroom.”  I then went to my car’s trunk where I had the final roses and walked back into the restaurant and proceeded on bended knee to ask for her hand.  Why I was so anxious then, I have no idea. I knew she would accept my proposal, yet the anxiety I felt was pretty high, probably because this was the biggest decision of my life (and one of the best!).

High amounts of anxiety that disrupt everyday life are considered anxiety disorders. Often, these high levels of anxieties lead to compulsions to ease the anxieties.  This is where Obsessive Compulsive Disorders (OCD) come in.  Certain fears reign in the heart and ruminate in the mind and the only way to quell the fear is to obey the compulsion.  The fear is an itch that MUST be scratched, and the compulsion is the scratch.

Anxiety occurs because we are fearful.  The greater the fear, the greater the anxiety.  If we are only slightly afraid of spiders, we will avoid them or get others to kill them. If we are deathly afraid of them, we will probably freak out.

Black & White Thinking shows up in several ways with anxiety.  First, Black & White Thinking occurs when the level of fear goes quickly past “slightly afraid” to “Mostly/all afraid” (all or nothing).  The fear becomes so intense that there is only one way that can end it (the compulsion).  It has to be all afraid or not afraid.  The compulsion is completed either right or wrong.  It is either handled perfectly, or it is unacceptable.  An OCD individual who is fearful of germs is compelled to wash in a way that they KNOW will quell the fear (the right way), at least temporarily.  If they do it wrong (the wrong way), the fear intensifies.  There is no settling or “good enough” mentality when dealing with fear.  One cannot simply wash their hands once, it has to be ___ times to be right and to work.

A second way Black & White Thinking is involved in anxieties is with those who struggle with perfectionism (something, I believe, is found more in Black & White thinkers). Perfectionists often struggle with anxiety or depression because their standards are so high (that’s the “all” in “all or nothing”).  They MUST achieve a certain standard and to do less or perform poorly is to fail.  Many Black & White Thinkers will work extremely hard to measure up to their (ALL) standards.  The standards are so high that it produces anxieties trying to meet them, as if these standards were given by a ruthless dictator threatening their lives.  Panic, fear, and stress reign trying to please an insatiable tyrant.  If these high standards have been set for other people, it is very likely they will experience anxieties while they are trying to make the Black & White Perfectionist happy.  This has been known to cause many problems in relationships.

Black & White Thinking may also occur with everyday worries and anxieties.  When we worry, we often think about worst case scenarios.  “Something bad happened to them!” “They could be laying on the side of the road, dead!”  “I’m going to look like a fool!”  “I’m going to fail!” “I’ll be rejected!” Dwelling on worst case scenarios is in itself Black & White Thinking. Worriers reason that if they think of the worst case scenario, at least they will be prepared for the worst.  But they’ve also lost time, energy, and or rest in the present while predicting an unlikely future outcome.

Recognizing that Black & White Thinking is present in anxiety is important so that we see our active involvement in our anxiety.  Anxiety is not simply something that happens to you, but something you can address.  If we know we are actively involved in our worries, we can also be actively involved in our healing as well.  When we feel anxious, we can note (write down) our thoughts and begin to exchange them with the Truth.  Yet our thoughts are not simply the only thing that ought to change, but our hearts as well.  As we experience anxious thoughts, it’s important to recognize that anxiety is fear, and God speaks to our fears.  Replacing our Black & White Thoughts with the truths of God as mentioned in Scripture, and believing them, will be important for change.

If you did a search throughout Scripture, each time the words “fear not” or “Don’t be afraid” are spoken, there is a promise either before or after most of them.  “Fear not, for I am with you” (Isa 41:10).  “Fear not.  I have redeemed you.  I have called you by name” (Is 43:1). “Do not be afraid….for the Lord your God will be with you” (Josh 1:9).  “The Lord Himself will go before you and will be with you.  Do not be afraid” (Deut 31:8).  It is in these promises of his presence and faithfulness to us that we are to take comfort, because they come from a God who is Love and who speaks to us when we are anxious.  They come from a God who will never leave us nor forsake us.  They come from a God who promises that ALL THINGS work together for the good of those who love Him (Rom 8:28).

As we continue the Black & White Thinker Series, we will be moving on to Black & White Thinking in Relationships, such as in marriage and in parenting.  Then we will be concluding the series with a “How to Change if you are a Black & White Thinker” and a “How to Counsel” Black & White Thinkers.

This is part 7 in the Black & White Thinking Series.  Click on these links for Part 1 (Intro), Part 2 (Biblical Lens), Part 3 (Grace), Part 4 (Mental Illness?), Part 5 (Depression), and Part 6 (Anxiety).

Let’s be honest, pride is something all of us have.  I’m not talking about pride as in “taking pride in our work” kind of pride.  No, I’m talking about the self-centered, self-aggrandizing, self-focus, all about me kind of pride.  The kind of self-centeredness that all of us have inside of us, thanks to that inherited sinful nature all of us have received from Adam & Eve.

Our pride and self-centeredness manifests itself in different ways.  At times it occurs in subtle ways that nobody really notices, such as in our unspoken thoughts.  At times it can be disguised in our kindness to others, while we are doing the acts for our own benefit. Other times, it is seen and heard by others in comments, conversations, and actions.

While pride is present in everyone, all of us seem to have one or two areas that seem to be displayed more frequently than other areas.  Authors Paul Tripp & Tim Lane, in their book, Relationships: A Mess Worth Making, describe many areas of pride that are present in our lives.  They are self-centeredness (seeks attention & approval), self-rule (seeks to be right, in control), self-sufficiency (seeks independence), self-satisfaction (seeks pleasure), self-righteousness (seeks to be right in eyes of others), & self-taught (seeks to give opinion). Personally, as I look at this list, I see all of them in me, though self-centeredness and self-satisfaction seem to be more prevalent in my life.

As previously mentioned in other blogs, Black & White Thinkers simplify their judgments into whatever is good/bad, black/white, or right/wrong.  When pride is present, admitting wrong is tantamount to being wrong or bad.  And if you “can’t” be wrong, than you must be right and others are wrong.  When pride reigns in the Black & White Thinker, self-righteousness and self-rule are often the two highest heart struggles on the list dealing with pride.  The need to be right and to be right in other’s eyes lends itself to making justifications, excuses, blaming, etc. for personal actions in order to convince themselves and others that they are in the right (and others in the wrong).  Truth be told, all of us do this, Relational and Black & White Thinkers alike.  However, when pride reigns in the Black & White Thinker’s heart, the justifications, blaming, and excuses are regular occurrences.  Additionally, if being “right” is considered “good” and being “wrong” is considered “bad” (heart), then the tendency to look at self as better and others as worse is demonstrated in bragging, insults, and criticisms (fruit).

Similarly, I had mentioned that Black & White Thinkers are likened to the Pharisees in Scripture who obey the “law” or standards.  That is, anyone who falls short of obeying the law deserves punishment.  The Pharisees started with God’s Law, and then added thousands of other laws on top of God’s laws so that the original laws would not be violated.  When Black & White Thinkers make their own laws or standards in their own homes and then require others to follow them, they can become controlling through criticisms and conflicts, and they may look down upon others who don’t meet their standards.  This occurs in emotionally or physically abusive relationships.  Their laws or standards are high for others, and they can’t admit to being wrong, so their actions and beliefs are justified, excused, or blame is placed elsewhere.

Of course, it is important to note that abusive relationships are more likely to occur when pride REIGNS in Black & White Thinkers, not if pride is simply PRESENT.  The presence of pride in our lives means that we are fallen humanity living in a fallen world.   The reign of pride means that we are completely absorbed in ourselves and we are moving towards what psychologists would call narcissistic.  In order to keep pride from reigning in our hearts, it is essential to recognize that we are indeed wrong (sinful) and that it is OK to be wrong. That doesn’t mean that we are to pursue wrong-doing, of course, but simply to expect it as fallen human beings.  Our wrongness, per se, does not impact our value or worth as humans, but it does help us recognize the great love Christ has for us which is not based on our wrong-doing, but on his love.  This is the path to humility.  As we recognize and believe these things, and we seek Christ, he begins to change us inwardly so that pride does not reign in our hearts.

“God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6, Prov 29:23)

Here’s Part 8 of the Black & White Thinking Series.  I would encourage you, at minimum, to read Part 1 (Introduction), Part 2 (Biblical Lens), and Part 3 (Grace) before reading this blog.  Part 4 (Mental Illness), Part 5 (Depression), Part 6 (Anxiety), and Part 7 (Pride) can be read by clicking the appropriate links.

Whether in the counseling office, at church, or at home, all of us either know a person who thinks more Black & White, or we are one.  Christians are as different from one another as the rest of the world are from each other.  Our shared beliefs in Jesus Christ’s life, death and resurrection, & our trust in His Word unite us together to live out our faith together at a local church.  Yet, how we live out our faith can be very different than the next person.  How we interpret Scriptures, perceive events, and treat our fellow Christians will partly depend on whether our thinking is more Black & White or Relational.  This particular Blog is more about how the Black & White Thinker lives out their faith.

As stated in previous blogs, Black & White Thinkers focus often focus more on the fruit (the actions & behaviors) than they do the heart (motives, desires), although the heart is certainly acknowledged. Typically, in the heart of the Black & White Thinking Christian, the motives tend to be more focused on the importance of obedience to the Word / Law (you can also exchange “law” for expectation or standard) and living a life that demonstrates this.  If you are not obedient, which is right, you are disobedient, which is wrong.  And if you are wrong, consequences are deserved.  And basically, this would be correct.  The Black & White Thinking Christian emphasizes obedience in his or her Christianity, yet may have more difficulty feeling or understanding the relational component that is also important in the Christian faith.  While some acknowledge that Christianity is not about religion, but a relationship, the relationship is often lived out by works, which may tend to lean toward religion.

“I’m a Christian.  I believe all Jesus did for me.  Now, just tell me what to do and I will do it.”  Devotions and service, for example, stem from the desire to be a good (not bad) Christian. Relational individuals will focus more on God’s love for them and their love for God as motivation for doing something for Him, and may tend to de-emphasize the obedience to God.  Black & White Thinking Christians tend to focus more on obedience to God and have difficulty with less concrete things such as the feelings and emotions of faith.  According to Jesus’ words in John (14:15, 23), “If you love me, you will keep my commandments” or “obey me.”  This verse captures the love of a Black & White Thinking Christian towards God…it is demonstrated mostly through obedience.

One of the main concerns of Black & White Thinking Christians in the church and in family life is that grace becomes a license for people to sin and do what they want (see Romans 6:1-2) . This is one of the reasons grace is a difficult concept for many.  If you give grace (a relational concept) to others, then others will take advantage, they won’t learn, and they will be more disobedient.  If fellow Christians live by grace (as opposed to obedience), they will not act regularly according to His Word.  Since obedience is such an important dimension of faith, grace seems to stand in contradiction to obedience.  What the Black & White Thinking Christian needs to comprehend on a greater level is that while remaining true to being obedient to God, it is God’s grace that empowers such obedience. If you haven’t already, please read the Blog on Grace & the Black & White Thinker for more on this…

While recognizing that overemphasizing grace (some call it cheapening grace) and overemphasizing obedience (religion) is a danger to our faith, Black & White Thinking Christians ought to be cautious of not judging others by the standards of obedience. Obedience is certainly important in the life of a believer, but it is not the standard by which others are measured (as good/real or bad/fake Christians).  Christ’s obedience on the cross is the measure of obedience necessary for us to be considered righteous by faith.

One additional caution for Black & White Thinking Christians is to recognize that relationship is just as necessary as obedience.  This relationship between God and us was made possible only through God’s love and grace (“We love because God first loved us” – 1 Jn 4:19), and was never made possible through our own actions.  We will never be able to earn God’s favor, love, or attention through our works.  Therefore, all of us, Relational and Black & White Thinking Christians alike, need to remember to focus specifically on Him and His love and Grace through the cross, and not focus on our own or other people’s works.  Our treatment of others must reflect our relationship with God through Christ, based on His grace and mercy to us, and not on whether others are obedient or not (good or bad Christians).

Finally, I would also argue that paying attention to the vertical relationship with God through Christ will help us to be able to acknowledge our own blindness.  Often, while focusing on obedience to certain standards, we can be blinded to the relational commands in Scripture.  For example, we may speak truth to those who are disobedient,  but we are often blinded to the fact that in speaking truth, we do not speak it “in love” (Eph 4:15). When speaking the truth overshadows the “in love” part, the truth spoken ceases to carry any weight of the Truth (with a capital “T”).

Black & White Thinking Christians are very important to the Body of Christ.  Although I’ve mentioned some weaknesses and cautions, let me share one significant strength as well. The Black & White Thinking Christian’s passion to stand for the Truth and the Word of God is exemplary, and often guides and challenges others around them (hopefully in a good way). Though personal feelings may heavily influence interpretation of a Relational person, feelings are typically submissive to the Truth with Christian Black & White Thinkers. Any feelings that are present are more of a response to Truth (or of other people’s not believing the Truth) than an actual guide for discovering or learning Truth. Without this anchor to the Truth, the Christian faith can easily become watered down if we gave in to the demands of “feel good” culture or even the fears of our hearts.  If we cannot stand with the Truth, we will fall with this world.

There is so much more that can be said of Black & White Thinking Christians that has not been said in this blog.  Hopefully, in reading the series, additional insights can be gleaned throughout that can bring some clarity to our differences in our world views.  My hope is to one day put all this together into a resource for many…

(Note: The Black & White Series is based on observations and conversations with many individuals in the counseling office and beyond, and includes various insights into the Scriptures as well.  While not stating all that is said in these blogs are Truth, the series is meant to be a starting point for further discussion and perhaps help us to understand, love, and live out our faith and relationships better.  That being said, I would love to dialogue with you and hear your thoughts and add to the discussion and one another’s understanding.  So, in that spirit, let me ask you: What other areas do you see are different for the Black & White Thinking Christian?  What challenges or questions do you have that you can add to the discussion?  I hope to hear from you soon!)

Here is Part 9 in the Black & White Thinking Series.  Please click on the respective links for Parts 1-8:  Part 1 (Introduction), Part 2 (Biblical Lens),  Part 3 (Grace),  Part 4 (Mental Illness), Part 5 (Depression), Part 6 (Anxiety), Part 7 (Pride), and Part 8 (Christian).

“You’re always doing that!”  “You never (fill in the blank)!”  “That stupid, #@!*%!”  You probably don’t have to look too far in the distant past (perhaps minutes!) to think about the last time you’ve been angry.  Anger is a universal emotion that all of us feel at different times, some more often than others.  Anger is an emotional reaction or response to situations or circumstances that we find are unfair, unjust, or simply wrong.  Being created in God’s image means that we will experience the emotion of anger as He does, though admittedly, our anger is often tainted by our sin and not as righteous as His.  Throughout the Old Testament, God’s anger and wrath is poured out on humanity for sins against Him and against others.  In the New Testament, we see God’s anger and wrath poured out on His Son for our sins.

There are several themes of anger that are fairly consistent with the Black & White Thinking.  These themes include 1) being right vs. wrong (meeting a standard), and the 2) difficulty of reconciliation.

BEING RIGHT vs WRONG (meeting a standard or expectation)

There are two points that are worth mentioning about rightness and wrongness that are reasons Black & White Thinkers can become angry: 1) What is right and 2) The need to be right.

1. First, anger typically occurs when something happens that we know is not right. Since we are created in God’s image, we essentially are created to become angry at sin (wrong).  If you learn of sexual or physical abuse to children, do you become angry at the perpetrator?  Of course you do.  It is how we are made.  Ultimately, we ought to be angry at sin and evil and at all the things with which God is angry.  Yet, since sin entered the world, our anger has not been totally aligned with God’s anger. Instead of being angry at sin, we are more prone to welcome sin into our lives, and our anger shifts from being angry at the breaking of God’s law (sin) to the breaking of our own laws (expectations or standards).

We don’t need to look much further about anger than the story of Jonah, who, after running from God, finally relented and preached to the Ninevites to repent and turn to God.  After he delivered this message of repentance, he waited, hoping that God would wipe them off the face of the earth.  And when God didn’t give the Ninevites what they deserved, Jonah became so angry, he even wished death upon himself. Jonah was angry at God because God did not meet Jonah’s standard/expectation/law.  God SHOULD have wiped them out, because it’s what they deserved, but He didn’t.

Our anger is not much different than Jonah’s.  We get angry at ourselves because we did not meet our standards for ourselves.  We get angry with others because they did not meet our standards and expectations.  We get angry at God because He did not respond the way we think He should have (BTW, the word “should” is a buzzword to let us know that we have a standard or expectation).  Just this morning I got angry at a driver at my sons’ school for parking in the dropoff lane.  Why?  Because that’s the dropoff lane.  That’s the rule!  And he was breaking it, causing a backup of multiple vehicles waiting for him to follow the rules.  He should have known better!  He should have been more considerate of others!  You get the idea.

So, our anger has shifted from God’s law being broken (sin) to our own laws (standards/expectations) being broken, and when that happens, others deserve our wrath.  Or perhaps, these laws are not our own laws, per se, but societal laws (driving laws, etc.) or even unwritten laws (you have to wait in line with all the other cars when merging from 2 lanes to one).  In all cases, we feel justified because they did wrong according to the laws, and since we believe we are in the right, they are all “idiots.”  And, of course, being in the right can certainly feed self-righteousness.

2. When pride enters the picture (which it does for all of us), the need to be right in our own eyes and in the eyes of others often gains momentum.  Black & White Thinkers think more Right and Wrong or Good & Bad, and when pride reigns in the heart, admitting wrong is equivalent to being bad.  Some Black & White Thinkers feel the need to be right and find their esteem in being right.  When being right becomes more important than anything else, anger is often used to keep others quiet so as to remain under the illusion that they are right.  Anger, then, is used more as a control tactic to silence others and remain in the right…often by being wrong.

DIFFICULTY WITH RECONCILIATION

Anger is typically resolved when there is a good process of reconciliation.  Reconciliation often occurs when there is an acknowledgement of wrong, a seeking forgiveness (which often comes from brokenness for hurting the other person), and then followed by a change in behavior that comes from the brokenness. Reconciliation also occurs when forgiveness is granted combined with the willingness to move forward and work on trust. Granting forgiveness for past hurts may be difficult for some Black & White Thinkers since forgiveness is not a concrete concept to grasp, and to grant forgiveness would seem to “go against” the works related theme, “you get what you deserve” (as opposed to the grace related theme, ‘you don’t get what you deserve’).  Since the other person doesn’t deserve forgiveness and hasn’t earned it, forgiveness will not be granted, and anger can resume.   Individuals who hold to this belief do not grasp that forgiveness can never be earned, but is freely given; nor is it for the other person, but is actually for God (and us!).  Just as we will never deserve God’s forgiveness, others will not deserve ours.  But as we forgive as God has forgiven us, we are released from our anger and freed from resentment.  At minimum, the Black & White Thinker’s form of forgiveness may simply be to just not think about it anymore, but this falls short of actual reconciliation as discussed above, which involves the emotions of hurt, brokenness, and love.  When these emotions are not worked through, anger can remain the dominant emotion.

Is acknowledging wrong and apologizing enough to reconcile and move forward?  For some, yes, because apologizing is a tangible action (words) and corrective actions may be taken to show the other person change. Some may not find a need to apologize, but simply to recognize where they may have been “mistaken,” correct the mistakes, and move forward.  This seems more like a “taking responsibility for actions” type of response (though ‘mistaken’ is not admitting wrong), yet it certainly falls short of “taking responsibility for the relationship” type of response. Some Black & White Thinkers don’t recognize that apologies help heal any brokenness that exists in the relationship.  And some more severe Black & White Thinkers have an extremely hard time even being broken over their sin as they cannot empathize with those they hurt.  This is because these emotions have not been felt themselves for a very long time because they are uncomfortable and painful.

Some additional reasons for anger in the Black & White Thinker include situations perceived as being unfair, anger masking depression, or anger being used as a defense mechanism to protect oneself against hurt.  Protecting against being hurt is learned early in life, and some say causes Black & White Thinking.  Though I won’t say it is a cause, it can certainly be a heavy influence leading Black & White Thinking to increase, and thinking Relationally to decrease.

Anger is a universal emotion that we all experience.  Just as has previously been written in anxiety and depression, Black & White Thinking can certainly be present in anger as well. If you see this thinking in your anger, think some more about the situation.  When does it happen?  What laws/rules are being broken? What expectations do you have?  Then look at your own heart and how you have not met God’s expectations either and are deserving of the same anger (times infinity) you have towards others.  Yet in His love and grace, His anger was poured out on His Son instead of you.  Other people may be wrong, but so have I been wrong…many times.  Thank God for His grace and love on undeserving people like us.

Below is Part 10 in the Black & White Thinking Series.  Please click on the respective links for Parts 1-9:  Part 1 (Introduction), Part 2 (Biblical Lens),  Part 3 (Grace),  Part 4 (Mental Illness), Part 5 (Depression), Part 6 (Anxiety), Part 7 (Pride), Part 8 (Christian), and Part 9 (Anger).

Men are from Mars.  Women are from Venus.  Men are like Waffles.  Women are like Spaghetti.  There is no doubt that men and women are different, yet both men and women can be Black & White Thinkers.  And even though there are some similarities in the sexes with Black & White thinking, there are some differences as well.

SIMILARITIES

To review, Black & White Thinking involves processing events and situations as “all or nothing,” “either – or,” or “right or wrong.”   This type of thinking over-simplifies all the ins and outs of situations and reduces them to basically two choices.  Since there are only two choices (good or bad, right or wrong, etc.), it is important to meet the standard (successful/good), or else you fail (failure/bad).  While standards can be good, setting standards without a measure of grace is unwise.  Black & White Thinking may lead to setting high standards for others and criticizing them when they fail to meet them.  Such interactions will cause others you are close to to feel insecure, lonely, and resentful.  In situations of abuse, Black & White Thinking combined with pride is always present.

DIFFERENCES

Generally, men and women who think or process things in Black & White do so differently because they are created male or female.  Hormones, societal norms, and past events and relationships will certainly influence how one perceives, processes, and performs (acts).  These influences will also impact the amount of Black & White Thinking that is present in the individual.  Typically, the greater the hurt, broken relationships, or trauma of the past, the greater the Black & White Thinking may be in every area of life.  In all cases, when Black & White Thinking is combined with pride, it is about my way, or my will be done in the relationship.  It is important to be mindful of these laws (expectations / standards) as they can harm the relationship and cause hurt feelings, fears, and resentments.

Ladies First

In general, women seem to be more relational (and probably less Black & White as a whole) than men. I believe this is because women were created by God to be Relational. This conclusion is based on the ability and plumbing to give birth and bond with their children through breastfeeding.  In addition, the Creation order and reasons for Woman to be created seems to suggest that woman was created FOR relationship (Gen 3) with man. Therefore, I would conclude that women seem to be created to be more Relational, in general.  So it would make sense that either women are more Relational and less Black & White in their thinking, or, at least, the content of their Black & White Thinking may be more relationship oriented.   For example, in many Black & White Thinkers with whom I have spoken, the Black & White Thinking in women often occurs as “relational laws.”  In other words, your husband MUST love you (love is desired by women, whereas respect is more desired by men) by spending time, serving, etc. That becomes the right way and only way to love, and your husband must do this or a punishment (criticism, withholding sex, etc.) will be given.  Either you love me this way (which is right) or you don’t love me (which is wrong).  Demanding love (instead of desiring it) thus becomes an idol of the heart.  This idol is held on to because she knows she is right, but in holding onto it, she becomes wrong.  This can turn into being controlling and will cause damage in the relationship.

Some questions for female Black & White thinkers: What if your husband was loving you in other ways?  Why are these other ways dismissed as wrong?  What relationship laws have you set in your heart? How do you respond when you don’t get what you want? 

Men, Your Turn

Although the same Genesis account shows us that Adam desired companionship and, I believe, wanted to be IN relationship (It was not good that man was alone – Gen 2:18), man was not created FOR relationship like woman (unless it is a relationship with God), but instead was created FOR work (there was no one to tend the Garden -Gen 2:5, 15).  But to be clear, relationship is important and necessary for men to learn, grow, love, and become like Christ.  In addition, although women were created FOR relationship, they were created to be equal with man, and not FOR man to do as he wishes. If the Black & White Thinker believes that his spouse is created FOR him, to please him and make him happy, he is outside of God’s plan for marriage.  Like women, male Black & White Thinkers also have “relationship laws,” but these laws are not about being loved, but about being respected. When these desires become demands (from desiring respect to demanding obedience), however, the laws will become overbearing to spouses.

Some Questions for male Black & White thinkers: What if your wife is honoring or serving you in other ways?  Why are these other ways dismissed as wrong?  What relationship laws have you set in your heart? How do you respond when you don’t get what you want?

Final Thoughts

The differences above are not meant to be comprehensive, by any means, but outline areas where God has created men and women differently (men desiring respect and women desiring love – see Eph 5 and the book, Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs).  “Relationship Laws” are essentially expectations and standards set for the other person (or maybe for oneself), that when unmet, result in criticisms or “advice” for the other person.  The goal is to make the other person into your image of a perfect spouse (as if they are created to make you happy or fulfilled).  However, our goal is not to get others to meet our standards, but for us to seek after Christ and be changed so that we become like Him (the full image of God).  Future blogs will continue to address other relationship issues that occur in relationships with someone who is a Black & White Thinker.  What would you like to know more about?  Write any questions of comments below…

One of the most read blogs I have written is “When You Are Disappointed With Your Spouse.”  I guess this blog has been read often because in marriage, we are often disappointed.  Our spouses, quite frankly, let us down.  Forgotten anniversaries, thoughtless gifts, unspoken or harsh words, not listening, inactivity in the children’s lives, not romantic, etc.,  are all ways we are disappointed in our spouses.  We’re disappointed because they fail.  They disappoint us because they are sinners.  They disappoint us because our expectations are unrealistic.  And after such disappointments we are left with the task of dealing with our disappointments.

Spouses aren’t the only ones who disappoint us.  If we are honest with ourselves and God, we are disappointed with Him.  It’s not that God sinned against us, but there are times we some feel as though God has wronged us.  The death of a loved one. Sickness.  A lost job.  A wayward child.  A cheating spouse.  Any form of suffering that we feel is undeserved, unwanted, or untimely is a ticket to Disappointmentville.

As we wrestle with our disappointment with God, it’s important to look at a few questions: Why are we disappointed with God?  What did we expect or want from Him? What do we need to do to overcome our disappointment?

First, “Why are we disappointed with God?”  This is an easy answer for most people. We’re disappointed because God didn’t do what we think He should have done.  We conclude He made the wrong choice or a bad decision and if I had a choice, the outcome would have been different…even better.  We might argue, “If I was in charge, this wouldn’t have happened.  A better decision would have been ______.”   Or maybe we might say, “He (She or I)  didn’t deserve this.  He did all of these good things and he should have been rewarded or blessed, not given more suffering!”  Such questions doubt God’s goodness and wisdom and proclaim that we know better or are more wise than He.  Yet these questions are honest questions as we wrestle with pain and suffering outside of our control.

Secondly, “What did we expect or want from Him?”  There are multiple answers to this question, yet perhaps all the answers can be summed up in this: Not this.  If we say that we (or another) didn’t deserve what they we through, we expected Him to be like the boss who is obligated to give what is owed, such as a paycheck for work performed.  If we say we wanted a life without suffering, then we expected heaven on earth.  Or if we say we had dreams and God messed them up, then we expected Him to be compliant with our dreams.  Any time we are disappointed with God, we wanted or expected something from Him, and He did not comply with what we thought would be best.

Finally, “What do we need to do to overcome our disappointment?” In other words, How do we deal with it?  Many have chosen to distance themselves from God for an extended period of time.  Disappointment quickly turns to anger and anger leads to 180 degrees from God and towards self.  This can lead to depression or outright defiance against God. So, what can we do?

First, be committed to work it out with God.  Don’t settle for being disappointed and distanced from God.  Our natural tendencies may be to avoid conflict with God (or others) because we do not want to deal with the pain of the events that led to the disappointment.  But if you aren’t committed to working through this, there may be additional hardships caused by such avoidance (anger, hurt relationships because of anger, etc.).

Second, humble yourself before Him.  Confess your feelings, thoughts, and accusations to Him.  It is not okay to be angry with God, but if you are, tell Him out loud (sometimes we need to hear it expressed out loud).  Then repent.  Remember that He is God and we are not.  Reread Job’s arguments to his “friends” and to God.  He also did not feel as though he deserved any suffering he received. Yet God’s response to Job (Job 37ff) involved Job’s need to repent and humble himself before God.  Without humility, you cannot overcome your disappointment with God.

Being committed to work through the disappointment and humbling ourselves before God puts us in a place for the third step: Challenge your theology.  Challenge your idea of what good means (Mark 10:18).  Is God good all the time (& all the time God is good) (Ps 100:5)?  Can He be good even when I am hurt? Can good come from what is bad/evil (Rom 8:28-29)?  Is God wise (1 Cor 2)? Does He know what He is doing (Ps 147:5, Job 21:22)? Is His way perfect (Ps 18:10)?  Do I know best or does God (1 Cor 2:16, Is 55:8-9)?

Finally, trust Him.  This will be difficult to do if we don’t first humble ourselves and challenge our theology.  In order to deal with our disappointment with God, we must believe that He is greater, wiser, trustworthy, faithful, all-knowing, compassionate and good.  Does God have a plan? Yes.  Do I need to know and understand what God is doing for it to be OK with me (Prov 3:5-6)? No.  Is God good? Yes.  Is what happened good? No. Will He turn it into good? Yes.  How? We don’t know.  Will you trust Him anyway?  It is only when we believe in the character and promises of God that we can deal with our disappointments with God and move forward in our relationship with Him.

I’ve had a conversation with a man who lost his wife to cancer.  He and several children suffered greatly at her death.  As we discussed the loss, we discussed several perspectives.  One, that his wife was taken away from him by God.  The other perspective is that the Lord did not take her, but received her by His grace and made a promise that he will see her again through faith in Christ.  It is because of the character and promises of God that brings hope to the disappointed.

Friends, all of us will be disappointed with God, probably many times in our lives, because He does not do what we want Him to do. Let me encourage you to continue to work out your faith and disappointments and draw near to Him who compassionately hears.  Our ways certainly are not His ways, but God is good, God is Love, and God will not leave you nor forsake you.  And if you need assistance, feel free to set up a time with one of our counselors.  www.foundchristcounsel.org

(If you found this blog helpful and wish to share it and perhaps, help others, please click one of the links below to share!  – Fred Jacoby)

“This is not the way that it’s supposed to be.  My life was not supposed to go like this.  I should be in a different place.  I should be with different people.  I should have been born in a different era, to a different family, in a different country, with different physical traits or mental capacities.  I should have been richer, taller, or skinnier.  I should have a better job, a better spouse, better kids, or better parents.  I should be happier, but I’m stuck in my life and unable to escape the hole.  It is what it is.”

Do any of these thoughts sound familiar?  If so, you may be disappointed in your life.  It’s not that there is only one thing that stinks, but perhaps many things that just aren’t what you expected or desired.  It’s also not that there is anyone else specifically to blame for the disappointment as if someone did something that ruined our lives (though perhaps there are some runners up).  Perhaps it is more a series of events that have unfolded which seem to have brought you to this Life of Blah.  If you’re dealing with general disappointment in how your life has turned out, here are a few things to consider:

1. Life can certainly be difficult when you are in difficult circumstances and have difficult people in your life.  Maybe you feel like you can’t make them happy.  Maybe they cause suffering in your life and you don’t experience the happiness you would like because of them.  Remember this, if you live to please other people, or even to please yourself, you will frequently be disappointed.  Why? Because they will never be pleased 100% of the time.  And if we look inside ourselves, we also see that our hearts are also never satisfied.  We always want more (Read Paul Tripp’s book “The Quest for More” on this topic).  And as we always want more and are never truly satisfied with what we have in this world, we will always be disappointed.
2. Although there may not be any person that has caused such disappointment in your life, there is one constant in all of your circumstances and relationships. To put it bluntly, that constant is you.  What you believe will affect how you perceive your life. How you perceive events in your life will effect how you react or respond to situations.  Disappointment stems from your beliefs.  If you believe you should receive a life without suffering, any struggles will be perceived as unfair, unjust, and unwelcome.  You will be disappointed because you did not receive what you thought you should.
3. You have many options on what to do with this life.  When some people consider that their life simply stinks or is horrible, some people only see two options: 1) Live a horrible life without happiness; or 2) commit suicide (see my blog Considering Suicide if this is what you are thinking).  These are not the only two options.  Life can get better, but it is a series of many decisions over time that you must choose.  One such choice is to choose to live a better life.  Life is not something that happens to you, it is a gift given by God.  So choose to live it.  Make living an active verb, not a passive one.  You can overcome because Christ has overcome for you (John 16:33, I John 4:4).

My mother-in-law has many mottos to live by.  One such motto is this, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.”  And if you don’t get what you want, she’d say, “too bad, so sad.”  This little bit of tough love demonstrates what we need to hear from time to time. We don’t get to choose what happens to us in life, but we do get to choose how we respond.  Disappointment is a typical human emotion brought on by certain desires or expectations that don’t come to fruition, but how we respond will either reflect our faith and trust in God’s will / plan for our lives or whether we are constantly grieving that our will was not done.  I am reminded of the lyrics of Horatio Spafford’s hymn, “It is Well.”  After losing his daughters in a sinking boat in the Atlantic Ocean, he visited the location and penned these words: “When peace like a river attendeth my way. When sorrows like sea billows roll.  Whatever my lot, Though has taught me to say, It is well. It is well, with my soul.”  Horatio’s peace and joy did not come with the right circumstances or the right people in his life, it came because he had the right trust in the One whom is in control and who makes good from the bad.  This is how we deal with the disappointment in life.

For more in the “When You Are Disappointed” Blog Series, click on the Below Links:

When You are Disappointed in Your Spouse

When You are Disappointed in God.

“I can’t believe I did that…again.  I am so stupid! Why can’t I stop!  Why did I say that?  Why did I do that?  You’d think I’d know better.  Loser.  Idiot.  Stupid.”

If we talked to others the way we talk to ourselves, would we be called bullies or abusers?  Self-criticism and self-condemnation are frequent occurrences when we mess up in speech or actions.  The thoughts of messing up or failing quickly turn into name calling and character attacks.  A simple “I can’t believe I did that” turns into “I am stupid.”  The focus goes from a criticism of the action to an attack on the person.  We may then judge ourselves to be incapable and unworthy.  Being disappointed in ourselves often leads to anger towards ourselves.  Anger turned inward often leads to depression.

Being disappointed in oneself is fairly common.  As long as we’re human and imperfect, we’ll mess up.  We’ll fail.  We’ll make poor decisions, and we’ll do it over and over again because we think it’ll be different this time, we forget, or we don’t care.  It’s no wonder that the Scriptures liken us to sheep, the world’s dumbest animals.

Why do we find it so hard to accept that we fail often?  Why is it equally as hard to differentiate between failing and being ‘a failure?’ Losing and being ‘a loser?’  Doing something stupid to being stupid?

If you’re disappointed in yourself often, here are a few things to consider:

1.  Expectations:  What did you expect when you messed up?  Most people would agree that “nobody’s perfect,” but that doesn’t mean they believe it.  Or perhaps we would agree that we aren’t perfect, but we should meet a certain set of standards. We should do better, be better, or perform better means that we shouldn’t mess up, fail, or do a bad job.  We should learn from mistakes and shouldn’t make them over again.  Whenever we do what we shouldn’t, we are disappointed with ourselves because we fail to live up to our standards.
2. Accepting Reality:  Failing is probably the one constant that we fail to accept.  We say, “I can’t believe I did that!”  Well, why can’t you believe you did that?  Do you think that you are incapable of messing up?  Do you expect that you wouldn’t or couldn’t mess up?  We ought to “think soberly” about ourselves and neither think too highly of ourselves nor too lowly, but instead to be realistic (Rom 12:3).  We are not the “me I want to be,” that is, the ideal me.  We have to accept who we are, and that means accepting that we are imperfect beings who make bad decisions at times, who choose to sin, and who fail in actions, words, and relationships.  Accepting this is important.
3. Worth & Grace:  We make “worth statements” when we are disappointed in ourselves.  If we call ourselves names (“Idiot”) or condemn ourselves (“I’m so stupid”), we are judging ourselves and essentially declaring our worth (or worthlessness).  Instead of focusing on the action or decision (“that was dumb” or “I could have done that better“), we may focus on our personhood (“I am so stupid“)… and believe such statements.  We assume such judgments about ourselves are truth, and so our disappointment with ourselves turns into anger, then depression. Yet if our worth were to be found in our actions (successes or failures), not many of us would have much worth in ourselves as we make mistakes, poor decisions, and sin on a daily basis.  Although it’s appropriate to be convicted over sin, our condemnation has fallen upon Christ, therefore we do not need to condemn ourselves (Rom 8:1).  We would also do well to have the same mindset as Paul who states, “I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.  My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me” (I Cor 4:3-4).  He does not judge or condemn himself, but recognizes that responsibility belongs to the Lord.  He has learned to live by grace, which is to give and receive favor that is not based on actions, neither is it earned by successes or limited by failures.  His worth is defined by God’s favor, and not his own actions or words of other people.

I never knew how difficult parenting would be.  I’ve made poor decisions. I’ve been self-centered in many decisions.  I haven’t always loved well.  I haven’t always shown Christ to my children.  I look back and wish I could have a do-over, because maybe it would be different.  And so, I live with regrets and disappointment, knowing that I have failed in many ways.  And yet, even if I could have a do-over, I also believe I would mess up in both similar and different ways.  Why?  Because I am imperfect.  I am a sinner…and God hasn’t completed His work in me yet.  This is hard to accept, but accepting it is a must.

When we deal with disappointing ourselves, identify your expectations (recognizing the words “should” and “shouldn’t” will give you a clue!), accept the fact that you are a work in progress who remains broken, imperfect, sinful, and unfinished (Phil 1:6), and believe that your worth is not defined by your failings or your self-declarations (“I’m stupid”), but through faith in Christ.  Speak the Truth to yourself (Truth is defined by His Word, not your feelings), and stop listening to yourself.  Only then will we begin to overcome our disappointments in ourselves.

If you found this blog helpful, feel free to click on these links for more of the “When You Are Disappointed…” Series.

When You are Disappointed with Your Life

When You are Disappointed with your Spouse

When You Are Disappointed in God

Texting your emotions through emoticons (emoji’s) is easy.  Expressing your emotions well can be a little more difficult.  Working through your emotions, on the other hand (acknowledging, them, allowing yourself to feel them and then express them)…well, this is tough.  We are complicated.  We are physical beings, mental beings, emotional beings, and spiritual beings.  Every part of us interacts with every other part of us and the end result is us.  A complicated mess.  Our emotions alone are complicated as we may feel multiple emotions at the same time.  The death of a loved one can bring about feelings of sadness for us, happiness for them if they are in heaven, fear of moving forward without them, and anger that they are no longer here.

I’ve had numerous conversations with Black & White Thinkers who admit that emotions are often uncomfortable, unwelcome, complicated, and confusing. Depending on how one was raised, emotions may be more like an enemy.  You avoid them, you kill them, or you stuff them deep down inside never to see the light of day.  They are neither welcomed nor something you work through.  As the “All or Nothing” thinking reigns, difficult emotions are often pushed to the ‘nothing’ category.  Negative emotions such as hurt, pain, rejection, fear, loneliness, sadness and grief may be at most acknowledged, but are never allowed to remain on the surface.  Black & White Thinkers typically don’t like the nuances and abstractions (intangibleness) of feelings as they are complicated and confusing.  They will either choose to feel or not to feel, or perhaps simplify by overlooking the multiple emotions and funneling them into one emotion, such as anger. Yet if a Black & White Thinker wants to have healthy relationships, all emotions are necessary to understand, feel, and express in healthy ways.  Why? Because healthy relationships require emotional connections such as compassion, empathy, love, and joy. And these emotional connections with others come only when one works through the difficult emotions themselves.

For Black & White Thinkers, there are some differences in expressing emotions for those raised in relationally detached homes versus those raised in more affectionate homes. Those raised in affectionate homes (positive relationships) seem to function in relationships better as they were allowed to express their feelings and encouraged to work out their feelings within relationships.  Those who have been raised in relationally detached homes (abusive or emotionally stunted relationships) tend to distance themselves from most emotions and are unable to work through them well.  Because of the inability to work through the emotions, the ability to sympathize or empathize lessens, resulting in difficult relationships.

Sadness:  For those who grew up in relationally detached homes, sadness is often seen as being weak or foolish.  You deal with it by “sucking it up” and moving on, not allowing oneself to grieve or feel sadness.  The “pull yourself up by the bootstraps!” mentality is how to cope with sadness.  Any feelings of hurt or sadness may be forced below the surface and never dealt with or is solely expressed only through anger.  For Black & White Thinkers who were reared in affectionate homes, however, sadness is allowed and support is typically offered, though it may not be accepted.  Since Black & White Thinking is typically all or nothing, sadness may also be pushed to the “nothing side” and refused to be felt since it is uncomfortable.

Happiness:  If a Black & White Thinker is raised in a relationally detached home, joy and happiness would likely never be found within relationships, but typically found in either pleasurable activities or through performance in (school)work or sports (ie. success and physical pleasure).  Therefore, hard work and success is often valued and feelings of pride in self-accomplishment would equal happiness. This often frustrates spouses who seek happiness through a relationship with their spouse. Being raised in more of an affectionate home may help a Black & White Thinker recognize the importance of relationships and value people more, leading to happier relationships.  (Note from a Biblical Counselor:  There is nothing in Scriptures that states God wants us to be happy or that that should be our goal.  Happiness is often a result of placing Him first in our lives and relationships.  For more on this, click here!)

Anger:  Anger is easier to feel and express than hurt or rejection.  It’s simpler.  You express it, let it out, and then you feel better…mostly.  Often, anger can be the “go to emotion” for many people.  If you are a Black & White Thinker growing up in a detached home, anger may have been the only emotion that was observed and felt the most.  In physically and emotionally abusive homes, anger is the ruling emotion and the expression of it was likely seen on a regular basis.  Some have vowed never to physically hit others like they had been hit, but the inability to sort out and work through other emotions or recognize the importance of relationships continue to bring about a different kind of abuse.  Emotional abuse.  This is when the emotion of anger continues to reign and the expression of it is used to control another person so that they do what you want.  When anger is expressed poorly, however, the impact on the relationship is profound.  The spouse may begin to live in fear of the person as their anger, intimidation, and control sets the relationship on a disconnected and downward spiral. For Black & White Thinkers who have been raised in affectionate families where abuse was non-existent, anger certainly exists, yet it often does not reign.  Anger is felt when situations are perceived as bad or wrong, and it may be expressed in either unhealthy or healthy ways, but anger may also not be dealt with or it can be ignored. From observation, I would say that most Black & White Thinkers who have been raised in affectionate families are more likely to work out their anger within the relationships than are those who have not been raised in such families.  There are more likely to be apologies and forgiveness for actions and expressed anger, which helps relationships succeed.  (For more on Black & White Thinking and Anger, click here.)

Truth be told, as a more Relational Thinker, I am tempted to do the very same things. Ignore the negative emotions and maybe they will go away.   If Black & White Thinkers and Relational Thinkers are to mature emotionally and relationally, emotions ought to be admitted, felt, processed, and worked through to some extent in order to have healthier relationships.  For Black & White Thinkers raised in detached homes, this would most likely require the help of a trained counselor and a willingness to change.  Most are not willing to change or recognize a need for change unless their relationship with a spouse is either at or past the breaking point, and then it may be too late.  It is not uncommon to see a spouse (typically a wife) leave her Black & White Thinking husband because of his emotional disconnection and abuse, only to find that when the relationship is threatened, the husband is now willing to change.  But the wife has already been too hurt and hardened her heart towards her husband.  Addressing these issues before it gets to the breaking point could save the marriage and allow for a better life and relationships.  Though I have seen some extremely detached Black & White Thinking individuals change to the point of saving their marriages, it required humility, brokenness, the willingness to work through emotions, and conviction brought on by the Holy Spirit.

 For More on the Black & White Thinker, Click on the following Links:

The Black & White Thinker: An Introduction

Black & White Thinking Through a Biblical Lens

Grace & the Black & White Thinker

The Black & White Thinking Christian

Is Black & White Thinking a Mental Illness?

Black & White Thinking in Depression

When Black & White Thinking is Ruled by Pride

Black & White Thinking in Anxiety

Black & White Thinking in Relationships: Men & Women

Black & White Thinking in Anger

DEPENDENCE

To be dependent & needy, is there any worse thing

than to be incapable of handling most everything.

I know that I should do all that I can

because that is what defines the measure of a man.

To be self-reliant and live on my own…

To spend my money or to take out a loan…

To pay it all back or give to the poor

because they all need help from those who have more.

But sooner than later the tables all turned

I can no longer do things I had once learned.

My body’s grown weak. I barely can stand.

I’m forced to redefine the measure of a man.

Ashamed of myself I can no longer be

a motivated, grateful, self-reliant me.

How could life come down to all this?

Frustration and pain, I’m in the Abyss.

Yet what good does it do to question my God

or beat myself with this iron-heavy rod?

When I pity myself I get only worse

and place myself in center, in first.

The reason for being has always been to love

This has been our gift from our God above.

So if I am here to help others to care

My existence, at least, is simply to be there

To give opportunities for others to reach out

and see beyond themselves, beyond their doubts

I am, after all, not only my own

But am here to be used by the Living Stone

If my dependence alone helps others to love

than I hope they succeed by His strength above.

I pray that I can go through all of this well

give glory to God and give thanks in this hell.

May I encourage you as I play this Job role

It’s the least I can do for this life, to Him, I owe.

Author: Fred Jacoby

It’s been 4 years since I’ve written Part 1.  No, it wasn’t that I was unmotivated to write a Part 2, but I noticed that since the original “I’m Just Not That Motivated” had quite a few clicks, I thought it deserved a sequel.  Hopefully a blog sequel will be better than a sequel to the movies.

In the original blog, I explained that we are naturally motivated to do what we want.   Yet when we choose love for God or others, this motivation can certainly carry us a distance. This blog will not be about motivating ourselves to love, but about overcoming the obstacles that prevent us from doing what we ought.

There are times where we know what we ought to do.  It’s practically right in front of us, but it is out of reach simply because there is an obstacle in the way.  Until that obstacle is removed, it is impossible to reach it.  So, we have a choice:  either remove the obstacle, try to go around it, or give up (or delay) doing what we ought.

Our obstacles can be distracting activities (games, social networking, or entertainment keeping us from work), sinful activities (pornography) or even people (keeping us from doing what we ought).  The problem with these obstacles is that they don’t seem like obstacles at all.  We like them. We may even feel we need them. They don’t feel like they’re obstacles because they bring us joy, laughter, and reward. They may even be addicting.  As a matter of fact, whatever we are supposed to do seems more like the obstacle from doing what we want. Yet it looms over us and beckons to be done.  “Oh, I really need to get to that…maybe a few more minutes or a few more chips…or whatever.”  Ten minutes later.  Twenty minutes later.  Thirty minutes later.  And so on….  We delay more and more.  We procrastinate and create a crisis so that we have no choice but to remove the obstacle…or fail entirely.

When the obstacle becomes the main attraction and that which we ought to do becomes the interruption, our esteem plummets as we fail to do what we ought, and at times, our relationships suffer as well.  Sometimes it feels like we just can’t help ourselves.  We’re stuck.  We’re addicted.  We’re unhappy.  And we do it again.  It reminds me of Paul’s words, “I do the things I don’t want to do.  And what I do want to do, I don’t do…  Who will save me from the miserable wretch that I am? Thanks be to God who delivers me through Jesus Christ!” (see Romans 7:14-25).

Removing obstacles is such an easy concept, but so difficult to do because we’ve developed an apparent need for them.  The more important the obstacle is to us the more difficult it is to remove. In addition, our constant use of them, has behaviorally trained us to keep going back.  So, how do we remove these obstacles in our lives?  Here are a few thoughts:

1.  As they say, “admitting it is the first step.”  Admit you have a problem and seek some help and support.  Some of us don’t have the internal motivation or gumption to say “no” to the distraction when it comes and we need help and accountability. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help from God or others.  We were not meant to live our lives alone without help.   If it’s a sin issue, confess it before God and seek His forgiveness and then set out a new course without the obstacle.

2.  Challenge and change your perspective.  We need to see the obstacle as that: an obstacle.  An enemy.  Since the more you love it the more difficult it is to remove, you need to teach yourself to see it for what it is (stay tuned for a future blog, “How to Hate What You Love”).  In C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters, a Senior demon is writing to his nephew (Wormwood) training him on how to help a Christian slide away from God.  Listen to his words, “You can make him waste his time not only in conversation he enjoys with people whom he likes, but in conversations with those he cares nothing about on subjects that bore him. You can make him do nothing at all for long periods. You can keep him up late at night, not roistering, but staring at a dead fire in a cold room. All the healthy and outgoing activities which we want him to avoid can be inhibited and nothing given in return, so that at last he may say, as one of my own patients said on his arrival down here, ‘I now see that I spent most of my life in doing neither what I ought nor what I liked’.  Activities where we waste our time are part of the tactics the enemy uses to distance ourselves from God. We truly need to see these obstacles for what they are.

3. Make the decision to get rid of it permanently and stay committed to this decision. I’m reminded of a friend of mine who, at 50, decided to train for the Spartan races.  I asked how he had the resolve to eat well and train regularly for it.  He said this, “I made the decision to do it and told myself, ‘I will not waiver.’  When I became tempted, I told myself that I already made the decision beforehand and stuck with it.”  He remained firm in his commitment and followed through.  The decision was already made, so future temptations to give in to laziness or other activities were reduced.  He followed through with his training and succeeded!  Job did something similar when he made a covenant with his eyes so he would not look lustfully on women (Job 31:1).  He made a promise or commitment and followed through.  Set a goal for yourself and don’t depart from it.

4.  Decide if there needs to be a Permanent or Temporary Removal. Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial (I Cor 10:23).  Some things need to be removed from our lives permanently (Heb 12:1, Mt 5:30).  These are things that are sinful, idols, and that keep us from a close connection with God.  Other things can best be removed temporarily or best if limited, such as distraction that keep us from a goal.  These obstacles simply get in the way of us doing what we need to do.  We would either need to a) remove them from our location, or b) remove ourselves from their location.  Either way, it is best to keep a distance from distraction.   While you are working, keep your electronic device in a separate room, in the car, or at home.  If at home, limit your time and perhaps set a timer and make the predetermined decision to stick to it.

5. Continue to ask yourself, “Do I want to change?”  Do you want to feel better, succeed, or have better relationships?  Do you want to honor God, do more for Him, and live to love others?  If we truly want to change, we will go beyond minor skirmishes and do all out nuclear war against such obstacles or struggles.  Keep this question in front of you (Do I really want to change?) at all times to help gauge where you are.  Changing is not simply a behavior change, but a heart change.  And only the Lord can change the heart.  Therefore, pray.  Pray something like this: “Yes, Lord, I want to change.  Help me to love what you love and hate what you hate.  Help me to say ‘no’ to the things that keep me from you, and ‘yes’ to the things that honor you.”

Well, there you have it.  Here are some suggestions for removing the obstacles in our lives so that we can do the things we ought to do.  The more we love these obstacles, the harder they are to remove.  And the more we love them, the more likely they are to be idols in our hearts and lives.  Try to go a few hours without them.  One day.  Three days. Seven days. Maybe even one month and see how it goes.  Ask for accountability and help and seek Him during this time.

What other suggestions do you have that have helped you in removing obstacles?

For Black & White Thinkers vs Relational Thinkers, Part 1, click here.

It’s been 6 months since I wrote the first blog on Black & White Thinking.  After receiving some feedback from others and speaking to many people in counseling on Black & White Thinking and Relational Thinking, I thought a few additional thoughts were necessary to gain a better understanding of the two.  I was asked by a few people if I thought that Black & White Thinkers were all wrong, and whether I plan to write more about Relational Thinkers.  Well, I do plan to write more about Relational Thinkers… in the future.  Regarding the other question, I’ll need to do a little explaining about whether Black & White Thinkers are all wrong (FYI – they are not):

It’s important to distinguish between Black & White Thinking and Black & White Thinkers.  Black & White Thinking is a thought process that can be done by everyone.  Often times, those struggling with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and anger have Black & White Thinking.  The either-or and all-or-nothing thoughts are often present in everyone, but Black & White Thinking may not be prevalent in those individual’s lives.  Black & White Thinkers, however, perceive, interpret, respond, and interact to all of life’s situations judging between right and wrong, correcting others, going all in or all out of situations, and typically focus more on actions rather than heart issues.  Black & White Thinkers tend to be more concrete, placing emphasis on what is physical, can be physically observed, facts, figures, laws, standards, details, etc.   Many Black & White Thinkers have a difficult time understanding abstract (and relational) concepts of love, emotions, feelings, grace, etc.  All of this is part of their makeup and is not “wrong,” but different than Relational Thinkers (To declare Black & White Thinkers as wrong would be being Black & White!).  It’s my hope that seeing the differences between the two and identifying which type of thinking is most prevalent inside of you and others will help readers become more like Christ.

But perhaps it would be better to come up with a different term than Black & White Thinkers.  Let’s take a look at another way of understanding Black & White Thinkers vs Relational Thinkers and how a better understanding of each leads us to Christ.

Black & White Thinkers are essentially Old Testament Thinkers (OT Thinkers).  OT Thinkers process events and speak according to certain law, standards, or truths (concrete) as set by God, society, or self.  The observable actions (or inactions) are interpreted, or judged, as being right or wrong.  Many Black & White Thinkers even value people according to what others bring to the table.  If they don’t work or do what they should do, then they are de-valued in the eyes of the OT Thinker.  Any relationship, including a marriage, seems to turn from being lovers to an employer – employee relationship.  The Old Testament emphasized God’s standards and laws that were to be followed, explained how Israel broke the laws and were punished, and how they needed to turn from their wicked ways.  These Laws of works declared that we should obey the laws and when we do, things will go well, but when we don’t, we must make amends, sacrifice, or be punished.  Although there were many laws to follow, the law demonstrated a simple standard to follow and we must do it.  There is little regard for feelings or emotions because they didn’t matter, only actions mattered.  It simplifies life into a Nike slogan, “Just do it.”  The Old Testament, however, is not silent about a God who is Relational and who showed mercy, patience, kindness, and grace; but this is not emphasized as much as it is in the New Testament.  The purpose of the laws was to show that they cannot be obeyed fully, and to show us our need for Jesus.  Like the Old Testament laws, Old Testament Thinkers (often seen as Pharisees in the NT) who simplify their lives by living under standards or a law and impose standards upon others have a need for a Savior.  Jesus in the Gospels, who is the fulfillment of the law, is exactly who Old Testament Thinkers need. This Jesus met all standards and demonstrated the Relational side of God.  While living by the standards / law, he demonstrated continued love and grace to others, and all while holding onto Truth.  Jesus did not condemn or judge others for their actions (though he did call out the Pharisees on more than one occasion), but simply valued them for who they are (created in God’s image) and not by what they did.

Relational Thinkers are less “law and truth” focused, and are focused more on showing love and grace (abstract).  If Black & White Thinkers are more Old Testament Thinkers, the Relational Thinkers are more New Testament Thinkers (NT Thinkers).  Since relationships with other people are of the utmost importance, all words and actions ought to consider relationships more than anything else (for some, considering feelings more is more important than considering truth).   In addition, the importance of emotions and feelings are elevated since they are necessary for good relationships. A Relational focus in the NT begins with Jesus Christ being sent into the world because of God’s love for us and his desire for us to spend eternity with Him.  This Relational focus of love continues in Jesus’ life and death and is also emphasized through Paul’s letters as he instructs his readers to show love and grace to others.  Although the emphasis of the NT may be on Relational matters of love and grace, the NT is also built upon the Truth/laws of the Old Testament.  NT Thinkers who overemphasize love and grace or emotions and feelings miss the necessity of Truth as defined in the OT or seen in the book Revelation.  If truth is considered, NT Thinkers sometimes elevate love and emotion as truth, and downplay the Law or Truths in the OT. NT Thinkers ought to continue reading the New Testament which points to the same Jesus who stands on Truth and who judges the nations according to His Truth.  Although feelings, emotions, and relationships matter greatly, they cannot diminish the importance of Truth.

In Summary:

NT Thinkers place feelings, love, and relationships as priorities and tend to be more sensitive to the emotional needs of people, while OT Thinkers tend to place truth, standards, and conformity to such “laws” as priorities.  OT Thinkers‘ focus on law, standards, and truth which are not anchored in the love and grace of Jesus will result in broken relationships, conflicts, and Pharisaical living.  NT Thinkers’ focus on emotions, feelings, love and grace which are not anchored in the Truths of the coming Jesus and His judgment through the law will result in a license to live by feelings and cheapen grace by continuing to live in sin.  Whether we are more inclined to be OT Thinkers or NT Thinkers, both types of thinking point us to our need for Jesus Christ, who is both Relational (Love/grace) and Black & White (Truth).  Living by Grace/Love and Truth are necessary in our lives.  It’s not enough for us to speak truth into someone’s life, we need to speak it in love.  It’s insufficient to speak in love to someone if we are not speaking truth.  Both are necessary.   When we turn to Christ for our forgiveness, follow Christ as our head, and continue to seek after Him in love and truth, we will begin the journey to become like Him.  Are you ready to get started?

 Other Black &White Thinking blogs:

Black & White Thinking in Depression

Black & White Thinking in Anxiety

Black & White Thinking in Anger

Black & White Thinking Christian

Black & White Thinking Through a Biblical Lens

Grace and the Black & White Thinker

Emotions and the Black & White Thinker

When Black & White Thinking is Ruled by Pride